Monday, June 27, 2011

Yes, yes... quit the lecturin'....

I don't need YOU to tell me I haven't been writing; I can see it for myself.

But, truth is, nothing really exciting is happening / worth writing about right now. I'm in that dreaded 2ww I mentioned here, and so really it boils down to me trying to remain calm, relaxed and most of all... patient. All of that = pretty boring.

I was to start work today at the new job, but as some of you know I didn't. My procedure last week has left me incredibly uncomfortable (read = in a lot of pain yesterday) and I decided that it wasn't worth it to push things and feel bad. Instead I contacted the recruiter and indicated that, as I had feared, this was the reason I didn't want to start prior to the holiday anyway. He told me to rest up and he'd talk to the client and for me to plan to be in on the 5th. So far so good... it's almost 2pm and no call yet to say "they changed their minds about you; don't bother coming in."

So I'm back to waiting and trying to be patient and relaxed and (how's that workin' out for ya?) just making sure that when I do get there I am in tiptop shape and ready to work.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Decisions made for me

I'm not typically keen on having decisions made for me, but sometimes that's the way it goes.

I've said for a couple weeks now that that CP job was a good, solid second. And I stand by that. But, I won't say I'm excited about taking this position. Honestly, if it weren't for the need of additional cashflow, I doubt I'd have taken the job at this time.

But, there is so much else going on in life right now that maybe this truly is a blessing in disguise. A job I don't necessarily have to feel committed to, that should be fairly easy / stress-free and that is closer to home / doctors / etc.

But, like I said, I can't get excited about this. So, while I do appreciate congratulations and all, I really am "settling" as far as I'm concerned.

I just need to remind myself... it's about having a job, not having a career and not to get too down on myself because of it.

Friday, June 17, 2011

On Waiting

Back to Stranger in a Strange Land, again, are we? Well, it's no wonder. If you've ever read it, you know one of the greatest tenets in it is about waiting; about how only through waiting can you "grok in fullness" the entirety of a situation, new experience, problem. The idea of waiting is so common to a Martian's way of thinking in the book that "patient" can't even begin to describe it. Waiting is...

I am no Martian. As much as I adore Heinlein's tale and concepts of "Thou Art God", I am not good at waiting. Patience sometimes (ok... all times) stresses me out. My mind has a hard time being peaceful and finding understanding, acceptance and "grokking" in waiting. It wants to fill up with all the bad things that could be, rather than focus on the good things that may be gained from every new understanding.

Today is a day of waiting. Waiting to see how the IVF is progressing; waiting to see if #1 choice actually OFFERS me a job; waiting to see if #2 choice pulls offer because I'm making them wait; aiting to see if I can go on vacation; waiting, waiting, waiting.

I try to be at peace. I try not to take seemingly small bad news and magnify it by 100. But I just can't. I can make it go away for a short time; lose myself in other tasks... but the second I let up on those tasks, the waiting and the worrying and the anxiety come flooding right back.

I keep going to "what ifs" and none of them are ever good. And, of course, right now, my problems seem so gigantic to me and everyone else's so much smaller, that I can't even focus my attention on being comfort to others. Because really, from our perspective our problems are always so huge and insurmountable and nothing compares. I'm not sure if that's ego exactly or more just a matter of fact - when we're in the problem, it's always much harder to see that bigger picture outside of it. Where, sometimes, even being blasted with an obvious "this is WAY worse" it's still hard to see that silver lining on your own cloud. Not that I wish "way worse" on anyone; but the point is that when I'm this low, I find it hard to reach my compassion, my empathy and that starts a whole new cycle of anxiety. I don't WANT to be that person... but waiting makes it so.

We are not alone. But, at the same time, we lack the real understanding of one another. We don't share the fullness of our water brothers. We don't cherish them. And all that makes it difficult to grow closer.

I get some of the meaning in Strange in a Strange Land... I just lament that such understanding may be beyond our grasp. So I try to wait... I try to understand... but I'm again reminded I'm not Martian. I'm only human.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

On being a woman...

I've deliberately not talked about this cycle as much as the last time for a variety of reasons... main one being that to do so sometimes sets me up for a big disappointment. And I'm not ready to do that again.

But, as the, we'll call it mid-cycle, starts to approach I do have a few thoughts. The first one being that, after all these years, you'd think that doctors would have a more specific idea of "good" and "bad" based on blood work and such. But... since we are all so very different, "good" and "bad" is extremely varied from woman to woman. It's frustrating, sure... but it is what it is and I'm not going to change that. And maybe that's ok. After all, Mankind has come a long way medically towards "godhood" and I'm not entirely sure having so much control and knowledge about how to make "miracles" happen is a good thing. Sometimes, it really is better to have hope and let the Divine do what the Divine does best - amaze with the miracles of Life.

Despite a host of stresses this time around (2nd attempt, interviews, finances, personal things), I actually feel calmer. I'm not sure why... maybe having enough other things to keep in line is better than having nothing but time to think about it. Or maybe I'm just hardwired to managed several stresses at one time, rather than try to be all Zen and calm all the time. :)

I do feel far more emotional this time... moody even. Could be the drugs affecting me more; could be my body responding differently; could even just be that a second attempt is making me more aware of things around me. I feel the need to hermit; to hide away and do nothing more than cuddle with my partner. It was nice to get out for a bit yesterday, but certain things were so much harder to deal with than usual. I fought to stay as long as we did, just so I could see folks I hadn't seen in a while and I felt far "needier" for touch than I usually do. Which is a funny thing to feel when you also just want to run and hide from everyone and not speak or listen or be around people at all.

Then, of course, there's the timing of the whole thing. I didn't necessarily want to attach significance to the timing of this IVF to the anniversary of Erik's death. But, for whatever reason I did, and maybe that's the positive I've tried to hold onto. The idea that, he's watching over me this time, giving his help where he can; attempting to aid me in this miracle I've been trying so hard for in the last 5 years.  When you've come to this weird spiritual place I've come to with regards to Death and Life and Cycles and the "Hereafter," I suppose it's not hard to start attaching significance and hoping for meaning in such things.

This is going to be a month of changes, there is no doubt. Hopefully all of them will be good, but one never really knows. For as many years as this has been a month of mixed blessings, I hope that this year it pushes the balance just slightly towards the "good" again. I think there are many other than myself who would feel that way too.

To quote Heinlein once again "Waiting always fills."

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Lost in a Sea of People

So, one of the things on my mind lately is sort of a bigger "where am I in the world" question.

I'm in a weird place right now. Ten years ago, I had a large circle of friends and acquaintances, who were relatively the same place in life. Even though we spanned a wide range of ages, we all still seemed to be "on the same page" as it were with interests and jobs and relationships. And those who weren't exactly the same place, were close enough in one or the other that it didn't seem to matter too much.

Fast forward five years. Some of those people were starting families, others getting married, still others, content in their "single" lifestyles and not planning any changes to that in the near future. Houses bought, jobs changed, interests morphed.

Though the years, from back in my high school days, I've always felt I was slightly "out of synch" with those around me. I had a lot in my life which forced me to grow up faster than maybe I was ready for. Now I'm not the only one... but at the time it seemed those who moved at that same pace I did were the ones I was most close to... easiest to identify and empathize with.

It's no secret that I've had a lot of medical issues in the last several years. Or that, some of these issues, have prevented me from taking that next step in evolving my life into something else. Now,  mind you, I'm deliberately not using the word "maturity" here - reason being is that my chosen path doesn't have to be the way everyone evolves.... in fact it shouldn't be... but it's how I've specifically chosen to move forward. It's neither more nor less mature than other choices... just different.

And this is where that "roads diverged in a yellow wood" sort of feeling has started to come for me. I've made a very specific choice of which road I want to take. I've place a lot of emotion and hope and desire into this. Imagine, making a big life choice like that and then having someone say to you "nope... I'm sorry... that path is not open to you, you have to take the other one, like it or not."

I'm in a weird place right now. I'm no longer in the single; married, no kids; long term commitment phase of my life. Nor am I in the new family; established family phase. I'm in limbo. Worse... I'm in limbo with no foreseeable resolution; particularly not one I can control anymore. I've made a decision... and face the very real possibility of being told I have no choice... turn back now... dead end... detour.

Wes is in the same spot, and while I certainly can't speak to his own thoughts and emotional state on this one, I can say that we're together in our alone-ness in this matter. To be so close to the one person who should be able to help you through this and still be miles apart is tough on us both. And, because that wide circle of friends is now divided between the two lives we're moving away and towards, neither of us has anyone to really help us through this. It's left us out of sorts; feeling alone; feeling anti-social. What's worse is that, while I know rationally we are not the first nor the last to feel this sort of thing, in my opinion, it's almost a "you need to be at the EXACT same place in order to help each other through." And how many times does THAT ever happen in one's life?

It's all perception for the most part and the rational side of me recognizes that. But, perception is a large part of how we humans live. We are constantly placing our own interpretations, meanings, emotions onto the people around us and reacting based on that, not necessarily based on the facts. We can't help it... it's why we're human. We all have felt those weird miscommunications that we just can't seem to sort out or know how to fix. Most of the human race has trouble with the concepts of empathy and sympathy - the differences between, when each is appropriate and when each hurts more than is intended. Communications are far more than "Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus." We are all from a different planet of "Me" and speak varying degrees of languages and dialects and it's amazing to me we ever find common ground with anyone long enough to form bonds.

I'm being a bit over-the-top here and I realize that... but it's to prove a point. We are all so very different, with so many different experiences to make up our lives, that finding those bonds we find through the years is a miracle in itself.

I do have those bonds. Some have lasted through years of ups and downs and changes and paths. Some are still relatively new, still testing out the waters and flowing and diverging through the debris and rocks in the river. I know that this will pass, I'll move into whatever phase or path I move into and the turbulence I feel now will pass by... making those strong bonds even stronger. And separating the proverbial chaff from the wheat as they say.

I miss my large and diverse groups... but I am also ok with stepping onto new paths and growing each friendship as it needs to grow, not as I force it to grow. It's difficult... but it happens eventually.

I've had Stranger in a Strange Land on my brain the last couple of days, so I leave you, Dear Reader, with this. It has it's own meaning to me, which fits here in my opinion. But hopefully, you'll take your own path from it as well. Grok?

“Love” is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
-Jubal Harshaw, Stranger in a Strange Land

Monday, June 6, 2011

I am Woman; Hear me ROAR!

Writers write.. and I must be a crappy one because I don't. LOL

But, like I said last post, there's just so much rattling around in this head. So, today, we shall start with the job ponderings. I'll sum up the other thoughts tomorrow maybe.

So, as some of you know, I've been out of work since November. I just started my PartyLite Business with my starter show this past week and quickly reached my goal for the kit. Today I will complete the process and we should have a site up and running before you know it!

But, sadly, at this moment at least, that's not going to scratch the surface of what we really need to make as a household income. I'm about to start NJ unemployment and that will be good, but I do still need a job. And, in the last week, I was hit with three interviews. Nothing practically since November and now three in one week. And one of them was completely surprising.

At the risk of jinxing myself, it's basically a job tailored to my resume, by people I've worked with in the past. I don't have a solid offer yet, but I'll be honestly surprised if something doesn't come of it. The interview was less, tell us how great you are for this position and more "I'll tell you how perfect you are for this job I have in mind specifically for you." Not only is that a wonderful little ego boost, but also means a lot as far as what people I've worked with think of me and my abilities and reminds me that, while I need a job and don't necessarily WANT a career (what with all this baby and stay-at-home-mom talk, you may have guessed that), having a job / career that I do love goes a long way to my other goals of having the ability to pay off debt and save in order to achieve that stay-at-home status.

So then I interviewed for the second position this morning. A project controls position that is very heavy-handed on the administrative side. A "safe" job. A "familiar" (mostly) job. A... stagnant job. It's a contract without a known "to hire" set to it. It's less money (though GOOD money... still less than the aforementioned "tailored" job would be). It would have no security, no loyalty, no pizazz. Like I said... very safe and comfortable. And... I don't think I want safe and comfortable right now. I want to branch out; I want an opportunity to try new things, to be innovative, to feel like I'm really making a difference to the company and my coworkers. To impress. To grow. To challenge.

So, maybe I shot myself in the foot by expressing that I had another potential opportunity on the table (not a lie exactly... but not the truth either) and that they'd need to do better than what they're considering offering. Especially since that offer was LESS than what I had talked to the recruiter about when I took the interview.

And, at the end of the day, I may end up sitting here, bemoaning my financial status, turned down by two jobs because of the risk I just took. But right now? That risk feels good. It feels empowered. It makes me realize that I made a conscious decision of which job I WANTED... and I'm determined to make that happen. And, maybe I'll lose that risk.... but I really honestly think I'm ok with that right now. I think that says a lot about where I am in my life right now. I've also come to realize my potential in the job market and that I don't have to just take anything... I'll take what I WANT and what is best for me.