I've deliberately not talked about this cycle as much as the last time for a variety of reasons... main one being that to do so sometimes sets me up for a big disappointment. And I'm not ready to do that again.
But, as the, we'll call it mid-cycle, starts to approach I do have a few thoughts. The first one being that, after all these years, you'd think that doctors would have a more specific idea of "good" and "bad" based on blood work and such. But... since we are all so very different, "good" and "bad" is extremely varied from woman to woman. It's frustrating, sure... but it is what it is and I'm not going to change that. And maybe that's ok. After all, Mankind has come a long way medically towards "godhood" and I'm not entirely sure having so much control and knowledge about how to make "miracles" happen is a good thing. Sometimes, it really is better to have hope and let the Divine do what the Divine does best - amaze with the miracles of Life.
Despite a host of stresses this time around (2nd attempt, interviews, finances, personal things), I actually feel calmer. I'm not sure why... maybe having enough other things to keep in line is better than having nothing but time to think about it. Or maybe I'm just hardwired to managed several stresses at one time, rather than try to be all Zen and calm all the time. :)
I do feel far more emotional this time... moody even. Could be the drugs affecting me more; could be my body responding differently; could even just be that a second attempt is making me more aware of things around me. I feel the need to hermit; to hide away and do nothing more than cuddle with my partner. It was nice to get out for a bit yesterday, but certain things were so much harder to deal with than usual. I fought to stay as long as we did, just so I could see folks I hadn't seen in a while and I felt far "needier" for touch than I usually do. Which is a funny thing to feel when you also just want to run and hide from everyone and not speak or listen or be around people at all.
Then, of course, there's the timing of the whole thing. I didn't necessarily want to attach significance to the timing of this IVF to the anniversary of Erik's death. But, for whatever reason I did, and maybe that's the positive I've tried to hold onto. The idea that, he's watching over me this time, giving his help where he can; attempting to aid me in this miracle I've been trying so hard for in the last 5 years. When you've come to this weird spiritual place I've come to with regards to Death and Life and Cycles and the "Hereafter," I suppose it's not hard to start attaching significance and hoping for meaning in such things.
This is going to be a month of changes, there is no doubt. Hopefully all of them will be good, but one never really knows. For as many years as this has been a month of mixed blessings, I hope that this year it pushes the balance just slightly towards the "good" again. I think there are many other than myself who would feel that way too.
To quote Heinlein once again "Waiting always fills."
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