Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I want to be supportive...

But sometimes it's just incredibly difficult. I am probably far more conservative than most of my friends.

I am not in an industry (when I'm working) which gives me a lot of public controversy over benefits or pay or merit reviews...

I likely hold, what most people I know would consider to be, rather archaic views on hot topics such as abortion or The Environment or politics (of ours or other countries) or healthcare or welfare.

What's more, what opinions I do or do not have on a lot of these topics, I don't necessarily care to share or debate or harp on or be "pro-active" about.

Maybe that makes me a bad person in your eyes. Maybe I don't really care enough to care.

But, in our world today, we are inundated to feel the need to care about something. ANYTHING. We tweet; we status; we blog (yes, yes... the irony here is not lost on me)...

"Opinions are like assholes; everybody's got one."

And, strangely... all this talk; all this bluster and bombardment and "sharing" has had one effect one me - I find myself angry. Not at the establishment; not at the circumstances; not for or against a particular stance. I find myself angry at the over-abundance of sharing. I no longer care. In fact, all the sharing has left me in a state of aggravation... so much so that I'm ready to quit all the social networking and blogging and electronic connections to the world. Why? Because I can't take it anymore... I can't take the force-fed opinions wanting me to care so much about things I can't be bothered with right now. Why? Because I have my own little world to worry about that I can no longer worry about everyone elses.

Yes. I'm selfish and I'm mean and I'm a horrible, horrible human being because of it.

But I just can't seem to process all the bad and the negative and the venom that seems to be spewed across the interwebs. And I'm sorry that everyone else in the world is having a hard time of it and that my "little" problems don't deserve the national and international attention of everyone else.

But they're my problems. And I have to deal with them every day. And I can't keep taking on everyone else's.

So if I'm silent or sullen or ignoring... it's not that I don't care... well... ok... maybe it is... but it's really more the fact that I can only hold so much and right now, what I've got pretty much takes the cake.

We don't want your crazy here... we're all full up.

Monday, February 21, 2011


Today was a day for energy.

I did yoga this morning. I ate well and healthy and happy. I meditated and I practiced chi gong.

And.. I feel wonderful.

Energy work has always benefitted me; has always made me feel better emotionally and physically. Cheered me up when I was down. Calmed me when stressed. And overall made me feel physically better all around.

So why don't I do it more?

I have no idea. I have lots of excuses (too busy; too tired; too sore; too... just too). But, the irony is that none of those excuses become important when I actually get off my lazy butt and just DO.

My pains which have plagued me for three weeks are still here, but lessening and I can actually feel the energies going where they need and doing what they should be to make me feel better. And, perhaps most importantly, I FEEL better and happier.

Tomorrow I'll have my first of six acupuncture appointments. I'm hoping that doing this will give me the energy (and the reminder) that energy work and energy healing are among the few things that I am not only good at, but are successful in taking care of my myriad of problems, from depression to physical pain.

I know I can do this... I just need constant reminders TO do this...

Purpose and Intent

I always like to think there is purpose and intent to my writing. Usually there is... but sometimes it's purpose and intent solely for myself.

I suspect this may be a little of that and a little of "so you want to know why I am the way I am?" Considering the fact that I won't be publishing this publicly to let folks know it's here, it's mostly the former, but those who manage to track it down the latter part is for you.

Purpose and Intent are actually integral to how I try to live my life. From a spiritual perspective, I believe purpose and intent is important in everything I do and everything that results from that. If I'm angry or sad or frustrated, I cultivate these things into negativity in my life, which breeds more discontent, anger, sadness and frustration.

But, I admittedly have a hard time letting go. I always have - my memories play tricks on my; my assumptions rule my thoughts; every little hurt sticks with me, real or imagined. I woke up the other morning from a dream in which someone was making me angry... and it took everything in me not to call them up and yell at them for it. Really, it's probably not in the least bit healthy, but it's the way my mind works for some reason and so, rather than try to NOT be that way, I find it easier to let out the negative in writing. It helps me let it go; whatever "it" is. It also helps me to focus on where the real issue is and resolve it, rather than continue the bad patterns.

Right now, I am harboring two major issues. I'll talk about the first one here. The second deserves it's own post and I'm still nto sure I'm ready to talk about it just yet.

Pain. Constant. Nagging. Neverending. Pain.

I can smile through it. I can live life with it usually. I can ignore it or make people believe I am not suffering from it. But I do... every. single. day.

I can probably count on one hand the number of times in the last 7-10 years I have not had a single bit of pain - physically or emotionally. That's not a lot. It varys in degrees; it shifts locations; sometimes it's not physical at all, but that makes it no less terrible or trying.

At the moment I'm deal with pain in my neck, shoulders, arms, back and legs (left side). And neck, shoulders, face and head (right side). It moves, it's dull, it's sharp, it's tingling, it's weakness. But it's been going on for three weeks. Medicine does not work for me. And I apparently have a terrible way of expressing this pain to my doctors. Because few of them can fix it; less of them can figure its cause. But, I suck it up and I try to ignore it and try to find anything which will give relief.

And because I'm not screaming in agony and can move and dress myself and function in a fairly normal way, very few people seem to understand the incredible pain I deal with on a day to day basis. I'm sure the doctors don't take it seriously enough; and friends and family see me and must think either it's "not so bad" or that it's all in my head.

Here's a news flash - even if it IS more mental than physical, that makes it no less a problem and no less painful. And, like my pet peeves response to depression ("Stop being sad / what do you have to be sad about"), telling someone to forget about it or not think about it or just get over it really doesn't help.

I want an answer. I want to know why and I want to know how to get rid of it. No one should have to suffer daily, lose sleep, miss out on events because they are suffering from chronic pain. It is real, regardless of cause and it needs to be taken seriously.

I personally have my pain down to a few ways to deal with it, even if I'm not sure of the cause... energy work, trigger point massage and stretching. It's a start. It means that, if nothing else I can get it to settle down somewhat. It also tells me that the causes aren't going to be resolved necessarily by "traditional" means (medication, surgery, etc.). It's in my muscles, it's brought on my stresses, it's causes by internal issues (adhesions for one) which cannot be "fixed" by most conventional means.

So when I'm moody or anti-social or angry... there's probably a real good reason for it... and nine times out of ten it's pain I'm trying to control.