Thursday, June 9, 2011

Lost in a Sea of People

So, one of the things on my mind lately is sort of a bigger "where am I in the world" question.

I'm in a weird place right now. Ten years ago, I had a large circle of friends and acquaintances, who were relatively the same place in life. Even though we spanned a wide range of ages, we all still seemed to be "on the same page" as it were with interests and jobs and relationships. And those who weren't exactly the same place, were close enough in one or the other that it didn't seem to matter too much.

Fast forward five years. Some of those people were starting families, others getting married, still others, content in their "single" lifestyles and not planning any changes to that in the near future. Houses bought, jobs changed, interests morphed.

Though the years, from back in my high school days, I've always felt I was slightly "out of synch" with those around me. I had a lot in my life which forced me to grow up faster than maybe I was ready for. Now I'm not the only one... but at the time it seemed those who moved at that same pace I did were the ones I was most close to... easiest to identify and empathize with.

It's no secret that I've had a lot of medical issues in the last several years. Or that, some of these issues, have prevented me from taking that next step in evolving my life into something else. Now,  mind you, I'm deliberately not using the word "maturity" here - reason being is that my chosen path doesn't have to be the way everyone evolves.... in fact it shouldn't be... but it's how I've specifically chosen to move forward. It's neither more nor less mature than other choices... just different.

And this is where that "roads diverged in a yellow wood" sort of feeling has started to come for me. I've made a very specific choice of which road I want to take. I've place a lot of emotion and hope and desire into this. Imagine, making a big life choice like that and then having someone say to you "nope... I'm sorry... that path is not open to you, you have to take the other one, like it or not."

I'm in a weird place right now. I'm no longer in the single; married, no kids; long term commitment phase of my life. Nor am I in the new family; established family phase. I'm in limbo. Worse... I'm in limbo with no foreseeable resolution; particularly not one I can control anymore. I've made a decision... and face the very real possibility of being told I have no choice... turn back now... dead end... detour.

Wes is in the same spot, and while I certainly can't speak to his own thoughts and emotional state on this one, I can say that we're together in our alone-ness in this matter. To be so close to the one person who should be able to help you through this and still be miles apart is tough on us both. And, because that wide circle of friends is now divided between the two lives we're moving away and towards, neither of us has anyone to really help us through this. It's left us out of sorts; feeling alone; feeling anti-social. What's worse is that, while I know rationally we are not the first nor the last to feel this sort of thing, in my opinion, it's almost a "you need to be at the EXACT same place in order to help each other through." And how many times does THAT ever happen in one's life?

It's all perception for the most part and the rational side of me recognizes that. But, perception is a large part of how we humans live. We are constantly placing our own interpretations, meanings, emotions onto the people around us and reacting based on that, not necessarily based on the facts. We can't help it... it's why we're human. We all have felt those weird miscommunications that we just can't seem to sort out or know how to fix. Most of the human race has trouble with the concepts of empathy and sympathy - the differences between, when each is appropriate and when each hurts more than is intended. Communications are far more than "Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus." We are all from a different planet of "Me" and speak varying degrees of languages and dialects and it's amazing to me we ever find common ground with anyone long enough to form bonds.

I'm being a bit over-the-top here and I realize that... but it's to prove a point. We are all so very different, with so many different experiences to make up our lives, that finding those bonds we find through the years is a miracle in itself.

I do have those bonds. Some have lasted through years of ups and downs and changes and paths. Some are still relatively new, still testing out the waters and flowing and diverging through the debris and rocks in the river. I know that this will pass, I'll move into whatever phase or path I move into and the turbulence I feel now will pass by... making those strong bonds even stronger. And separating the proverbial chaff from the wheat as they say.

I miss my large and diverse groups... but I am also ok with stepping onto new paths and growing each friendship as it needs to grow, not as I force it to grow. It's difficult... but it happens eventually.

I've had Stranger in a Strange Land on my brain the last couple of days, so I leave you, Dear Reader, with this. It has it's own meaning to me, which fits here in my opinion. But hopefully, you'll take your own path from it as well. Grok?

“Love” is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.
-Jubal Harshaw, Stranger in a Strange Land

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