A Time to Make the Hard Calls

Well... so there we are then.

My recent lab results are back and mostly normal. One would think "well that's good, right?" I said "mostly."

The one abnormal result is enough for my primary to determine it's time to see a GI specialist.

For those who know me and my history, you know how much this bothers me. What you may or may not know is the extent of it, given everything else going on.

It puts our fertility treatments on hold for an undetermined amount of time. Financially, I'm to the point of "it puts our fertility treatments on hold indefinitely."

I need to come to some realizations that, even if everything else in our attempts to get pregnant succeeded, my overall health and scar tissue issues likely make a "normal","healthy" and "uncomplicated" pregnancy near impossible. Or... at least, extremely painful. I was reminded of that over the last month as I battled some severe pain due to torn, pulling and unforgiving adhesions.

New medical issues cropping up only makes this more certain. I'm not young anymore. And every day, month, year I put this off due to some other issue is that much less chance of it working. This latest news could put a halt on a lot of things I want out of my life - so it's best I face it head on without any other frustrations or complications.

I'm creeping towards my peri-menopause, whether I want to admit it or not. I am not completely ok with it; but I don't think I'll need to be drug there kicking and screaming either. I always said I was the "Crone" in my little Trioka - (probably should post that story's link...). Maybe it's time I accept that and move graciously into the role.

I have been researching other options."Childless" is not one I'm ready to accept yet, but unfortunately finances are an issue with the adoption route I've decided upon. And, I'm not entirely sure how my new medical complications may fit into our "Profile" as adoptive parents. That's another bridge to cross when we get there though. Focus on the task at hand; but keep the ultimate goal in mind as my tether of hope. It wasn't always about being pregnant (though my heart does hurt a big for missing out on those sort of "firsts"); it's about being a mom. And I already feel I have that in me without going through the process of becoming a mom through a biological child.

When I feel most heartbroken, I remember something Wes said to me one sleepless night when a certain infant (well... hardly infant anymore) was in our care for the night. She was fussy and crying and missing mom and would not go back to sleep, so I curled up on the couch with her and sang softly until she was sleeping again. Wes watched me from the top of the stairs for a bit and finally said "You'll make a great mom some day."

I hold onto that. Because I know I have that love to give within me and someday I will be able to share it with our child, even if we're not related to him or her genetically. I just need to plod through one task at a time until we reach that goal.