Monday, May 14, 2012

Where We Are and Where We're Going

There's something to be said for achieving something great after an incredible struggle. Sometimes, all you can think is "wow... we did it." And other times you are sort of overcome with genuine fear for that proverbial "other shoe."

It's a hard way to live - especially with so many other changes going on inside and outside your body. All my grand plans for how idealistic I wanted things to be... how "natural" and "perfect" and, well... we all know, it never happens as planned.

And... that's ok. It's ok because life is and always has been mutable and this should not be any different. And as tough as some days have been and as anxious as each pain, each appointment, each conversation has made me... nothing compares to where I'm going to be in another 7 months or so.

For those who know my history, you know what struggles I've put up with, even beyond the infertility. The struggle of being poked and prodded and dealing with any number of physical and emotional pains. This struggle has been no different... with one exception. At the end I will have an incredible blessing to show for it. That makes it all worth it - that makes it so much easier to push through the tough days.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

The Post I Never Saw Coming...

A little over a month ago, I was getting ready for my next (and final) IVF procedures to find out what is wrong with me and try one last time to get pregnant through the Miracle of Science. It was then I realized that I was late... even for me. So, on a whim, (and given I was on a medication which is not pregnancy safe for long term use) I bought a home pregnancy test (HPT).

I woke up the next morning and proceeded to use said HPT. And it instantly changed. I mean... no 2 minutes, no waiting whatsoever. Instant. I sat there staring at it, convinced the test was bad. I texted Wes... who was convinced the test was bad. So... I finished getting ready and headed down to the doctor's office, sans appointment to instruct them that they needed to do a blood test.

I showed up first thing that morning, knocked on the receptionist window, and when the receptionist looked at me confused (remember... sans appointment) stated, "I need a blood test. I think I'm pregnant." They ushered me inside, drew my blood and sent me on my way.

Around lunchtime my cell phone rang. The IVF coordinator stated "So... I hear you took a HPT and it was positive." "Yes," I replied, expecting the answer to come back, "It was wrong." Instead she said "Well... you're VERY pregnant. Uh... wow."

It has been a whirlwind of weeks since that call. We don't have any idea why suddenly it worked for us, on our own. Drugs reset my system; stress reduced from finally coming to a decision about our future; dumb luck?

Whatever it was... I can honestly say the term "miracle" fits here.

For all intents and purposes, the pregnancy is proceeding healthy - fingers and toes and heartbeat and all. Symptoms make it no denying my body is preparing for this great process and busy working on growing a tiny human who Wes and I have waited six very long years for.

And all the nerves and anxieties and fears that accompany being an older mother, with previous issues and a (albeit VERY early) miscarriage under her proverbial belt.

But I'm happy. So unbelievably happy. We were ready to give up. To move on. To find a way to accept that it just wasn't possible. My last appointment prior to this had been full of discussion of "host uterus" and "donor eggs". We had been looking into adoption. Or letting going of a dream of family entirely.

And yet here I am... inundating myself with information on pregnancy and motherhood.

If you've gone through infertility... if you've faced or are facing this seemingly insurmountable problem....

Remember this... it CAN happen. Sometimes with no rhyme or reason or understanding of WHY.

Six years, three doctors... and no answers to that question.

And yet here I am....