Friday, March 16, 2012

Tests, Tests and more ... you got it... tests

For every test that comes back "normal" one would think I'd be happier. But I'm not. It makes me more frustrated. It makes me want to shake the doctors and say "What the hell is wrong with you that you don't know what is wrong with me???"

My primary is baffled. My abdominal ultrasound (which I was sure was going to come back with "OMG... what the HELL is THAT??) was "normal." The blood work, the physical exam, my BP, my heart my lungs...

If I didn't know that my body does such wacky things sometimes, I would almost be ready to believe the hype "it's all in your head." Except it's not. I could almost believe the "flutters" are anxiety or stress or "in my head." But the sudden flush, so bad my cheek hurts? SOMETHING is going on.

Now that we've almost completely eliminated a lot of the "absolute worst" case scenarios, determining (at least as far as my GI is concerned) there are no strange and rare tumors growing in my major abdominal systems, we're back to square one. I guess, in a way it is a relief to not have to face a "syndrome" which was looking pretty bleak as far as "if we find it, there's little hope." Heck, we didn't even seem to find the precursor to the syndrome. Alleluia and pass the peas.

But... no one seems to know WHY this is happening. OR if it's related to my infertility. I just want a damn answer so I can move on.

I've now set my primary to investigating my endocrine system. Or... my adrenals at any rate. I guess we start there. Reproductive hormones appear "normal", so it's time to look at the rest of the process. I'm running out of time and I hate that feeling. It's not at all conducive to this "relaxed state" I'm aiming for.

I may give this last set of blood work a go and if it doesn't show anything just chalk it up to "my body is screwing, let's move on." Which, sadly, may result in a final failure of the IVF. But I don't have time to keep going with this guessing game.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

One step forward...

And that proverbial, two steps back.

I get an answer I feel pretty good about and then the "just in case" test makes me a wreck for the next two days. It's frustrating, it's terrifying... but most of all it's too often becoming "status quo" in my life. I thought I was getting ready to come out of my shell a bit; not live my "hermit life" quite so much. But, it's just not about to happen anytime soon, I fear.

It's just wearying. It's even more emotionally draining some days than all the hormone therapies put together. And, that horribly "ironic" thing about it is that worst case or not... stress is ONLY going to make my symptoms worse and more frequent.

Plain, white rice is once again one of the few things I can eat without an incredible amount of discomfort. Plain, white rice is one of the WORST things for me to be eating from a fertility standpoint. It's either that or just give up on the eating thing altogether right now. So, I eat what I can, suffer through the pain of it and give myself a "treat" of rice now and then to just give my body a break.

More doctor's appointments and tests scheduled. I want an answer... but I do want the answer I want. And each step forward towards getting that answer, seems followed by the terrifying possibility of two steps back and an answer I don't want.

It's time for my happy ending, dammit. All of them. All of my dreams, all of my hopes and all of my happiness. I'm ready Universe. It's time to send it my way.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

'Round and 'round we go...

I think my life has become a merry-go-round. Not the fun, pretty ponies, childhood memories one... but one of those strange Cthulu-esque, horror movie ones where, try as you might you cannot get off and that clown-killer is running the show.

And clowns are scary. Especially killer ones.

Anyway... now that I've put that disturbing image in your head for the rest of the day... after yet another tearful weekend, I've gone back on my "decision" post.

Some of you reading this (are there still people even out there?) may seriously wonder at my mental state and be calling those men in white coats over to my house right now to give me one of those lovely jackets where the arms cross in front and a bouncy rubber room. "Why?" you may be asking yourself (or maybe not... I mean, who, other than me, talks to blog posts like that?) The answer is simple - I want answers.

I saw a G+ post this morning about people not wanting to know "why" but wanting the answer they want. I want both. I want to know why... but secretly I want that answer to be "oh... your problem is 'X' and we can fix that easily." But the key point here is I WANT TO KNOW.

WB pointed out to me last night that far too often I am a "victim" to my own body. It's true. My body has not treated me kindly in many years. Granted, I've been pretty horrid to it occasionally as well, but usually it's in rebellion for it treating me poorly. My body and I have an incredibly dysfunctional relationship. I'd divorce it if I could, but really, I'm not that desperate to get out of my relationship with it just yet... and Death is sort of permanent (well... as permanent as a believer in reincarnation can believe).

So... the real point is... what is my point here?

I have lined up all my little duckies and we're going to see what falls out. First things first... try to sort out the abnormal test and strange GI symptoms and make sure it's nothing extremely serious. If it is... deal with that as best we can and move along. Second thing, once that's resolved, go through with the mock cycle. Convince my RE to do the tests I've been reading about as far as certain potential immunological issues are concerned. Then, with all those answers in hand / problems resolved, move forward as best I can. If it means another IVF with a different protocol, fine. If it means finding the means for donor eggs, great. If it means putting all this aside and genuinely grieving for my lost fertility, picking up the pieces and working towards an adoption, I'll deal with that.

So many people have posed the question of "have you considered..." I'll again refer you back to my earlier post on having discussions with your "infertile friend." Asking me if I have considered any number of things is like asking a man dying of thirst if he's considered water. If you know me at all, you know I like to be well-informed, especially where my health and options are concerned. Some may even say I'm OVER informed. You know why those type of questions stick in my craw (what IS a craw anyway??)? Because, though well-intentioned, it still comes across as "I must be stupid not to have thought of that." Yes... I'm overly sensitive and emotional about the topic right now. I've isolated my social media network so much that any possible mention of "baby" or "children" will likely not be seen. When you cry yourself to sleep every night over this, maybe you'll understand.

I read a blog post about a month or so ago (and I may have mentioned this before, so bear with me), about all the things this woman will now miss because she has run out of options and has to come to terms with being childless. It's heartbreaking. Even all the "bad" about pregnancy and birth and children... these are still things I would gladly take as my "problems" rather than living a life without the experience.

WB admitted to me that to watch me go through this month after month, cycle after cycle is very painful for him to watch. But, he also admits that he has watched me grieve, rant, get angry, be inconsolable... and then pick myself back up and tackle and face the problem head-on again... knowing full well I may suffer through the same thing, but doing it anyway with a determination unlike any he's seen. He admitted that he knows very little about the whole infertility process and relies on me to make the calls... because I don't give up, I search for my own answers and I learn everything I possibly can in order to find an answer and start our family on my terms.

I am tired of being a victim to my body. I am tired of not understanding my body. I am tired of accepting "this is just the way it is." There IS a reason for this and I WILL find it. Then I will fix it or I will accept and move on.


Sunday, March 4, 2012

A Time to Make the Hard Calls

Well... so there we are then.

My recent lab results are back and mostly normal. One would think "well that's good, right?" I said "mostly."

The one abnormal result is enough for my primary to determine it's time to see a GI specialist.

For those who know me and my history, you know how much this bothers me. What you may or may not know is the extent of it, given everything else going on.

It puts our fertility treatments on hold for an undetermined amount of time. Financially, I'm to the point of "it puts our fertility treatments on hold indefinitely."

I need to come to some realizations that, even if everything else in our attempts to get pregnant succeeded, my overall health and scar tissue issues likely make a "normal","healthy" and "uncomplicated" pregnancy near impossible. Or... at least, extremely painful. I was reminded of that over the last month as I battled some severe pain due to torn, pulling and unforgiving adhesions.

New medical issues cropping up only makes this more certain. I'm not young anymore. And every day, month, year I put this off due to some other issue is that much less chance of it working. This latest news could put a halt on a lot of things I want out of my life - so it's best I face it head on without any other frustrations or complications.

I'm creeping towards my peri-menopause, whether I want to admit it or not. I am not completely ok with it; but I don't think I'll need to be drug there kicking and screaming either. I always said I was the "Crone" in my little Trioka - (probably should post that story's link...). Maybe it's time I accept that and move graciously into the role.

I have been researching other options."Childless" is not one I'm ready to accept yet, but unfortunately finances are an issue with the adoption route I've decided upon. And, I'm not entirely sure how my new medical complications may fit into our "Profile" as adoptive parents. That's another bridge to cross when we get there though. Focus on the task at hand; but keep the ultimate goal in mind as my tether of hope. It wasn't always about being pregnant (though my heart does hurt a big for missing out on those sort of "firsts"); it's about being a mom. And I already feel I have that in me without going through the process of becoming a mom through a biological child.

When I feel most heartbroken, I remember something Wes said to me one sleepless night when a certain infant (well... hardly infant anymore) was in our care for the night. She was fussy and crying and missing mom and would not go back to sleep, so I curled up on the couch with her and sang softly until she was sleeping again. Wes watched me from the top of the stairs for a bit and finally said "You'll make a great mom some day."

I hold onto that. Because I know I have that love to give within me and someday I will be able to share it with our child, even if we're not related to him or her genetically. I just need to plod through one task at a time until we reach that goal.