Jumped the Hurdle

Not sure if anyone is still out there (well I know one person is... so thank you. LOL), but a little update on this progress.

Yesterday was... interesting. I don't do anethesia well. And by that I mean, I have a bad reaction to what they normally give people (Versed) and other stuff doesn't work as well on me as on others. So, I was awake for part of that procedure. Not too terribly bad, I was relaxed enough that I didn't care, but sometimes I think that makes things harder for me to get over afterwards. I'm very achey/crampy today and just feel "off", despite sleeping most of yesterday afternoon.

Seven eggs were retrieved. So now we hit the second hurdle... how many will actually be "good" and how many will fertilize. Every little step in the last few days has been with trepidation and each phone call to the office voicemail to find out the status is nerve-wracking.

Wes got worried because he didn't hear from me all morning (sometimes his phone chat whigs out on him, so I wasn't getting messages, even though he thought I was). It's sweet and endearing and sad all at the same time that we've been through so much together in a considerably short time, that an hour "radio silence" is concerning to him.

Two more hurdles to go in this process... and the best I can do is just keep hoping and praying and trying to be positive through it. It's hard some days, when I'm not feeling well, when I'm tired and the weather is sucking the life out of me... but somewhere I have to find a little nugget of hope; of brightness; of positive and cling to that until I can nurture it into something greater.

To The Universe

I had thought earlier to ask certain people I know to send their good energy, thoughts, prayers, etc., etc., etc. in my direction tomorrow. But something just kept me from it...

The week of shots is now culminated to my day of retrieval. This could be my first major hurdle in determining whether or not a child is even possible. My greatest fear will be "I'm sorry... there was nothing to retrieve and fertilize."

But, strangely, despite this fear, I have an overwhelming calm as well. Truth is... after 5 years, I may finally have an answer of "yes" or "no." And certainly, a "no" answer will be devastating and difficult... but at least I'll know.

The second hurdle will take place within the next five days and the third within two to four weeks from that.

But I can get through this. I've been trying to put my own positives out to the Universe and now we'll see if I can reap what's been sown.

To my Guardian Angel... I thought of you a lot today, which tells me you're nearby, watching... either to celebrate and support through the next stages or to hold and comfort if things do not go as I'd hope. Thank you... thank you for being with me at these little and big moments, when you're most needed. I just wish it could be in person.

If you're reading this and following along, spare a thought for me around 10:15 tomorrow. But, if nothing else, put some good and positive energy out to the Universe... not just for me, but for all the little and big hopes the world needs right now.

Having "needs"

I don't really consider myself a "needy" person. I'm fairly self-reliant; I've managed to pull myself through an awful lot in this short time I've been on Planet Earth. But, sometimes... more than anything else, I do just need a hug or a touch or a kiss on the forehead. A tangible show that I'm not alone, I'm not as useless as I sometimes feel and I'm validated when I'm feeling emotional or needy.

I don't necessarily consider this "hormonal" or "girlie" or gender-related in any way.

We all need this sort of contact from time to time. Words can only get one so far. I've always said it's easy to say "I love you" and far more important to show it.

I am feeling needy today. I am feeling a failure in everything I try and useless and broken and hurting in ways I can't even begin to describe. It's not the hormones (though I'm sure they're not helping this situation), it's not because I'm a girl. It's not because I'm incapable of seeing logic or reason or moving on and past and up.

It's because I need something extremely basic at this very moment. Touch. I need to know I'm genuinely not alone in this.... and the only way to get that is with a touch.

Ever have that moment when you "just want your mommy?" Yeah... that's the basics of this post - that maternal instinct that always seems to manage to take over and know just when you need a touch... no words, no lecture, nothing but a simple touch. Mothers are great at it... others can be, but it usually takes a mother to really understand what is needed without you ever having to say a word.

And I'm just so alone right now and can't get what I need.

Random Thoughts

So, in thinking this morning in the shower about Able-Bodied Girl (let me finish my thought, you pervs) and about her thoughts on "no-poo" (ok... this took a very odd turn)... I was wondering... what does one DO with all those little itty bitty pieces of soap one has left? Seems such a waste to throw them out, but they're becoming less useful to actually USE. Suggestions?

IVF process moving right along... sadly with considerable pain. For the ladies, think of the worst PMS cramping you've ever had.... now multiply that by 12. I slept poorly last night and, combined with some of my "usual" digestion" issues, I've been in discomfort most of today.

And... oh goody... I need to give myself a morning injection. My incredible fear of needles has made Wes give my evening injections, but I need to give one in the AM the next two days around 7-7:30ish. Anyone feel like coming over and jabbing me with a syringe? /sigh  I seriously hope I can do this without passing out or getting ill.

The first hurdle...

Well... I've officially started the IVF injections.
And yes... I cried.
Not because it hurt in anyway (no more than a stick for a blood draw), but just the anxiety of the whole thing and (as the lovely Mrs. Dennis pointed out "lots of baggage with that first step"). I'm not sure which of us was more nervous - him for having to stick me (I have a serious needle phobia and cannot even think about doing it without feeling sick to my stomach) and me for getting stuck.

But... here I am on my way to this new adventure. I can only hope it has a happy ending.

The Girl with the Stars in Her Eyes

I am an apologetic, starry-eyed optimist.

And I don't give a rat's ass what you think.

For a few years now, I've been decrying myself a cynic... but in truth, I'm only cynical in my view of what I expect from the majority of people. People seem to rarely change in the great grand scheme of things... and when I am suprised now and then by my low expection of my fellow man proven wrong, it's a pleasant sort of surprise, rather than another disappointment.

But the world as a whole? The Universe and all it's mysteries? The planet's ability to adapt and adjust and change and persevere?

Starry. Eyed. Optimist.

Why, you ask? Preservation of my sanity for the most part. Because, if I were to believe otherwise, then I would not even bother to get up in the moring. I wouldn't bother with all the hardship and trial I'm going through to try to have a baby, or find a job, or pay my bills (I mean... if the world ends in 2012, what the hell is the point of trying).

It's late and I'm tired, so I'll leave this little blurb with probably one of my favorite quotes from one of my (new) favorite TV shows:

The Doctor: You lot, you spend all your time thinking about dying, like you're gonna get killed by eggs, or beef, or global warming, or asteroids. But you never take time to imagine the impossible. Like maybe you survive. This is the year 5.5/apple/26, five billion years in your future, and this is the day... Hold on...
[He checks his watch, and through the window the sun suddenly flares]
This is the day the sun expands. Welcome to the end of the world.

Invisible

The title of this post is stolen from a Facebook status update going around:

"Please put this as your status if you or someone you know has an invisible illness (like Lupus, Diabetes, Crohns, PCOS, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Kidney Disease, Epilepsy, MS, Depression, Bipolar, M.E, Autism/Aspergers, Fibromyalgia, RSD..etc). Do it for all who have an invisible illness. It's a daily struggle feeling sick on the inside while you look fine on the outside."

As a sufferer of many of these, I can wholeheartedly relate and oftentimes feel as though, because some people just don't understand, that I get looked at as a hypochondriac or a complainer or worse.

I've been told by some that I am a very strong person; that I can withstand so much and still manage to pull through. They are right... I do pull through. But oftentimes folks don't see the inner struggle, the nights laying awake or crying myself to sleep. I've heard the line - "God only gives you as much as you can take; I just wish He didn't have so much faith in me." And sometimes it's true... I often wonder where that breaking point is... and when I'm going to hit it.

It's hard to pick yourself up every day, when eating is a trial, when every movement is painful, when your dreams are dashed because of invisible illnesses, when just managing to get through a day without breaking into tears for "no good reason" is difficult. What's worse is having people look at you or make snide (or supposedly "funny") remarks about it.

How do you explain to someone that Depression is an illness; a disease - when their only perception of it is to "stop being so sad?"

How do you explain that it's embarrassing to socialize around food when you never know what's going to set you off and leave you in pain or (sometimes worse) running for the nearest facility?

How do you politely refuse activites because you know that you move too slow and each of those movements are so painful you can't think?

How do you explain that one of your greatest hopes is to have a child... yet everything in your body seems to conspire against that?

I'm not wasting away; I'm not pale or "gray" or bedridden; I have no external, physical evidence that I am sick. But a day doesn't go by when I am not in some sort of pain - physical or mental.

I just wish those who never had to deal with such things could have it for just a few hours... to understand where some of us come from, day in and day out. We are strong... but sometimes we just need a little bit of propping up to help keep us going.

Pitter Patter Part 2

Today has been spent on the phone with doctor's office, pharmacy, insurance, doctor's office...

It's real. Despite any moral/ethical contentions I may still hold; despite my fears and doubts; despite all the unknowns... I'm about to embark on one of the last attempts to get pregnant.

I have a series of prescriptions coming down the pike, including (as soon as I can get this sorted out with my insurance company and my doctor's office) a series of injectable medications. Injectable. Sent to my house. Which I have to give myself. With read needles.

How in the world am I going to manage this when I can't even watch them draw blood without passing out? How am I going to actually manage to stick a needle in myself... and not once.... but several times a week.

I feel queasy just thinking about this.

I've put off the instructional video, even though I knew it was up on their website from the beginning of this process. I can't even think about watching a video on how it's to be done without feeling a bad fluttering in my stomach.

This is something I've wanted so bad for so long... and now it's here and I can't get past a little needle.

It's a silly thing, I know, but it terrifies me. What's more is that little nagging voice which tells me if this doesn't work and we still WANT to do this... I may have to go through the whole process again.

I am honest to goodness terrified of what the next few months may hold for me (for us, really). So many big decisions still ahead. So many opportunities for failure. So many opportunities for success (and... really, I'm not always sure which terrifies me more!). It will all be worth it in the end, I know this... but right now it just overwhelms me; leaves me wondering if I'll be a good mom, if I'll ever really be "ready" for this, if we'll be able to "afford" another mouth (or two or three) in this house. I know most of these are fears all new moms face... but coupled with having to take such an active role in making it happen (beyond just "having fun" which works for most people)... it just leaves me with a lot of time to think about it all and question.

The Pitter Patter

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. More than any "career"; more than any other dream. As crazy as it might sound to some people, I'd be perfectly happy "keeping house", changing diapers, cooking meals, teaching what I know to a little me.

And, each day that I get closer to the potential reality of that, the more scared I become. I've been unemployed since November. I had hoped this would be a good time for me to do all the things I want around the house. And get myself in shape and figure out all the things I need to do to get myself ready for this "big moment" I'm anticipating in my life.

And I have accomplished so little. What's more, all I have done is come to realize there are so many obstacles to my ultimate dream (stay-at-home mom) and so many obstacles for even the start of the dream (being a mom, period).

I'm terrified of this not working... of being a "waste" of time and money and hopes. And every little "broken" piece of me which could get transferred to a little me if it does work. Terrified that I won't be a good mom, that I won't be able to provide for my baby, that I won't be there when I am needed.

I know a lot of these worries are normal. But, they're standing in the way of me being happy for the process and I don't like that.

I want this to work. I have all these ideas of how I want to raise my child. And the joy of doing so.

But I need to stop getting in my own way over it.

My Greatest Weakness

Junk food. Fast food. "Comfort Food."

I know that I shouldn't be eating all these things... but I do; they make me feel comforted when I'm down. They don't, however, help me towards my weight loss goal or my healthier habits goal or my "if I want to be pregnant I need to start taking care of myself" goal.

But... some days (weeks) when I'm having a particularly bad time of it (pain, sick, depressed, frustrated) I just can't seem to find the willpower to avoid them. And then I binge eat bad foods - McD's, desserts, pastas covered in butter and salt, fried foods. And then, my brain feels better... but my scale (and sometimes my tummy) say otherwise.

And then I get into another vicious cycle... none of it would be so bad if I would exericese. But exercise hurts when I'm sick or in pain and makes me winded when I'm not (Catch 22 being overweight).

I need a way to break this cycle... but every time I think I've done it, I lapse back into the bad habit and get frustrated... starting it all over again.