On Waiting

Back to Stranger in a Strange Land, again, are we? Well, it's no wonder. If you've ever read it, you know one of the greatest tenets in it is about waiting; about how only through waiting can you "grok in fullness" the entirety of a situation, new experience, problem. The idea of waiting is so common to a Martian's way of thinking in the book that "patient" can't even begin to describe it. Waiting is...

I am no Martian. As much as I adore Heinlein's tale and concepts of "Thou Art God", I am not good at waiting. Patience sometimes (ok... all times) stresses me out. My mind has a hard time being peaceful and finding understanding, acceptance and "grokking" in waiting. It wants to fill up with all the bad things that could be, rather than focus on the good things that may be gained from every new understanding.

Today is a day of waiting. Waiting to see how the IVF is progressing; waiting to see if #1 choice actually OFFERS me a job; waiting to see if #2 choice pulls offer because I'm making them wait; aiting to see if I can go on vacation; waiting, waiting, waiting.

I try to be at peace. I try not to take seemingly small bad news and magnify it by 100. But I just can't. I can make it go away for a short time; lose myself in other tasks... but the second I let up on those tasks, the waiting and the worrying and the anxiety come flooding right back.

I keep going to "what ifs" and none of them are ever good. And, of course, right now, my problems seem so gigantic to me and everyone else's so much smaller, that I can't even focus my attention on being comfort to others. Because really, from our perspective our problems are always so huge and insurmountable and nothing compares. I'm not sure if that's ego exactly or more just a matter of fact - when we're in the problem, it's always much harder to see that bigger picture outside of it. Where, sometimes, even being blasted with an obvious "this is WAY worse" it's still hard to see that silver lining on your own cloud. Not that I wish "way worse" on anyone; but the point is that when I'm this low, I find it hard to reach my compassion, my empathy and that starts a whole new cycle of anxiety. I don't WANT to be that person... but waiting makes it so.

We are not alone. But, at the same time, we lack the real understanding of one another. We don't share the fullness of our water brothers. We don't cherish them. And all that makes it difficult to grow closer.

I get some of the meaning in Strange in a Strange Land... I just lament that such understanding may be beyond our grasp. So I try to wait... I try to understand... but I'm again reminded I'm not Martian. I'm only human.