I think my life has become a merry-go-round. Not the fun, pretty ponies, childhood memories one... but one of those strange Cthulu-esque, horror movie ones where, try as you might you cannot get off and that clown-killer is running the show.
And clowns are scary. Especially killer ones.
Anyway... now that I've put that disturbing image in your head for the rest of the day... after yet another tearful weekend, I've gone back on my "decision" post.
Some of you reading this (are there still people even out there?) may seriously wonder at my mental state and be calling those men in white coats over to my house right now to give me one of those lovely jackets where the arms cross in front and a bouncy rubber room. "Why?" you may be asking yourself (or maybe not... I mean, who, other than me, talks to blog posts like that?) The answer is simple - I want answers.
I saw a G+ post this morning about people not wanting to know "why" but wanting the answer they want. I want both. I want to know why... but secretly I want that answer to be "oh... your problem is 'X' and we can fix that easily." But the key point here is I WANT TO KNOW.
WB pointed out to me last night that far too often I am a "victim" to my own body. It's true. My body has not treated me kindly in many years. Granted, I've been pretty horrid to it occasionally as well, but usually it's in rebellion for it treating me poorly. My body and I have an incredibly dysfunctional relationship. I'd divorce it if I could, but really, I'm not that desperate to get out of my relationship with it just yet... and Death is sort of permanent (well... as permanent as a believer in reincarnation can believe).
So... the real point is... what is my point here?
I have lined up all my little duckies and we're going to see what falls out. First things first... try to sort out the abnormal test and strange GI symptoms and make sure it's nothing extremely serious. If it is... deal with that as best we can and move along. Second thing, once that's resolved, go through with the mock cycle. Convince my RE to do the tests I've been reading about as far as certain potential immunological issues are concerned. Then, with all those answers in hand / problems resolved, move forward as best I can. If it means another IVF with a different protocol, fine. If it means finding the means for donor eggs, great. If it means putting all this aside and genuinely grieving for my lost fertility, picking up the pieces and working towards an adoption, I'll deal with that.
So many people have posed the question of "have you considered..." I'll again refer you back to my earlier post on having discussions with your "infertile friend." Asking me if I have considered any number of things is like asking a man dying of thirst if he's considered water. If you know me at all, you know I like to be well-informed, especially where my health and options are concerned. Some may even say I'm OVER informed. You know why those type of questions stick in my craw (what IS a craw anyway??)? Because, though well-intentioned, it still comes across as "I must be stupid not to have thought of that." Yes... I'm overly sensitive and emotional about the topic right now. I've isolated my social media network so much that any possible mention of "baby" or "children" will likely not be seen. When you cry yourself to sleep every night over this, maybe you'll understand.
I read a blog post about a month or so ago (and I may have mentioned this before, so bear with me), about all the things this woman will now miss because she has run out of options and has to come to terms with being childless. It's heartbreaking. Even all the "bad" about pregnancy and birth and children... these are still things I would gladly take as my "problems" rather than living a life without the experience.
WB admitted to me that to watch me go through this month after month, cycle after cycle is very painful for him to watch. But, he also admits that he has watched me grieve, rant, get angry, be inconsolable... and then pick myself back up and tackle and face the problem head-on again... knowing full well I may suffer through the same thing, but doing it anyway with a determination unlike any he's seen. He admitted that he knows very little about the whole infertility process and relies on me to make the calls... because I don't give up, I search for my own answers and I learn everything I possibly can in order to find an answer and start our family on my terms.
I am tired of being a victim to my body. I am tired of not understanding my body. I am tired of accepting "this is just the way it is." There IS a reason for this and I WILL find it. Then I will fix it or I will accept and move on.
But... I WILL NOT GIVE UP.