I feel better for having a plan. It may not be the perfect plan, but it's a plan nonetheless.
We're going to move forward with the mock cycle starting end of this week. It will not be easy - a whole cycle of all the meds, culminating in a likely rather painful procedure. But, I'll have one of two answers I need to keep moving on. We're also giving one more shot to the IVF - with or without the PGD. Way I figure it is, if the insurance won't pay for it, doing it without, provided the biopsy comes back normal from the mock cycle, pretty much tells me all I need to know. Though the pain of another failure will be near unbearable - I'll have my answer and can proceed with a new plan feeling I've got all the information I can possibly get
The other appt on Friday may be more difficult for me to handle. You see... if you know me at all, you know I've struggled with a lot of GI issues. I'm now having some new symptoms and pains which could potentially point to something quite serious. I'm hoping the primary's theory is wrong; that he's ruling out the "worst case scenario before we look at other things. But it's scary to face, regardless, especially when faced with so much other uncertainty. But I've tried to remind myself - we've been through a lot of bad. A lot of "near tragic"... I can get through this like I got through everything else and we'll just have to take it one step at a time.
It's all I can do anymore - my life has spun out of my control far faster than I care for. But, it is what it is and I just have to learn to roll with (yet more) of the punches it throws my way and make the best with what I've got.
For those who may not quite understand why I'm waspish, aloof, estranged... I'll tell you this much. I blog only about half of what actually goes on in my life on a daily basis. I have been dealing with a lot of struggle.... but some of it I'm only now starting to face head on ... and others I've tried to avoid contemplating. Before you judge or whine or complain about my behavior, know this... you don't know even half of what I am dealing with.... so either love me for who I am, with all my quirks and faults and hardships... or walk away now.
I've discovered something very important lately. One - I have the most amazing partner a person could ask for. It may be difficult for him at times, but he has truly shown me what "unconditional" means; what standing up for and standing by your loved one truly is. On this romantic day of all days... though I am currently 600+ miles away.... I want to tell him each day that goes by, I love him that much more.
I've also discovered the reason why I have remained friends with one very special woman all this time - we "get" each other's crazy. And love each other despite (or maybe because) of it. My sister and more than my sister - you have shown me what friendship means and how a friend deserves to be treated. Thank you.
It's late (ish). I'm tired (very). And I do still have to focus on work tomorrow, despite two glasses of wine. So to bed with me; to maybe forget my troubles for another day or two and enjoy the peace I can find for myself wherever it may be.