Woke up at 10pm in a panic last night... completely forgot to give my shot. Doctor's office says that it doesn't matter, but of course, I'm super paranoid now. Plus I went in for my ultrasound today and apparently there was a cyst or fluid or *something* outside my left ovary. /sigh Must. Not. Stress.

I'm at a loss with this recruiter. I want to know if the company has made a decision, but I cannot seem to get hold of the recruiter at all. She must be checking her email or voicemail or something, because she's definitely posting on LinkedIn... is it so hard to write back to a client with a "no word yet" just to acknowledge I've contacted you???

The holidays are upon me and as has been the case for the last few years, they're making me melancholy. Because I'm not already moody enough. ;-) I'll get through like I do every year... but if the Divine could throw a little Christmas spirit or holiday miracles my way, I'd be grateful...

I'm going to try to write more often... even if it's just a stupid little blurb like this...

A little slice of crazy

It's hard to deal with all the stresses and emotions that come with being me right now as it is. Lack of job, money stresses, inability to get pregnant... but just for shits and giggles, let's throw in some meds which really mess with a hormonal state I'm still getting used to, a sick dog, the holidays and ... oh yeah... throw in a "normal" bout of depression and anxiety to boot.

How I hold myself together on a day-to-day basis, I'm still sure I'll never know. It's been a sort of cry fest week in the Burr household. But I'm still here. I'm still holding on. Still toughing it out.

The phrase goes "God never gives you more than you can handle" or something to that effect. Followed with... "I just wish He didn't have so much faith in me..." It's true... I seem to be able to handle a lot. I've had folks tell me through the years they don't know how I've managed to deal with "X" ("X" of course being any number of things I've struggled with, typically involving my health). The truth is, I don't really handle it "well." I just realize it comes down to two choices - deal with it or don't. And "don't" would require me to consciously make the decision that it's not worth it anymore; to give up; to give in and to end it all. I have always sort of thought that was a cowards way out. You leave too much behind for everyone else to clean up and, well... some part of me just cannot bear to do that. No matter how hard it gets for me to deal... I can't bring myself to force others to deal because I chose not to. Maybe that's strength... or maybe that's just that peacemaker nature of mine (sometimes also known as rolling over and being a bit of a doormat) where I just can't stand to burden others with anything. I don't want to upset the apple cart, the status quo... I want everyone to like me and to be happy and to get along.

I've become enough of a realist over the years to know that's never really going to happen... but I still can't bring myself to be the ultimate cause of so much strain and stress on others. I'm not sure if that makes me a good person... or if that just makes me a different type of coward. Either way... I appear strong and "dealing" because really, in my world, that is the only option.

I've entered the 4th IVF cycle. I want to believe this will work. But I'm having a terrible time with the stresses of it this time around. If there is a God, please don't just give me the strength to deal... give me some relief of the stresses; give me some reason to hope and keep trying; give me the one thing I'd like most for the holidays this year - have a little less faith in my ability to "handle" and let me finally know what success feels like.

Peeves

I have a pet peeve. Ok... I have several... and this particular topic probably fits into a bigger category than "pet peeve" implies. I have an Elephant Peeve. Or not... that just sounds gross.

At any rate... here's today's little bitch (and I don't mean me... I'm, quite frankly, a big bitch and I realize that)... I don't really care what your political leanings, religious beliefs or personal creeds are, but what happened to common courtesy? Why does it appear to me that the human race is increasingly showing the worst of humanity? What happened to "thinking before you speak" or even "do unto others?" (ok... yes maybe that last has too much religious connotation for some, but really... is it THAT difficult to accomplish?

I have friends from all walks of life, all backgrounds, skills, religions and political affiliation. I've stated before why I don't share my political beliefs most of the time... but maybe the reality of why is because sometimes, I'm just really on the "don't want to offend anyone" path.

Let's start with something very simple.

Whether you're a presidential candidate, a member of the armed services or just a guy on the street with a big mouth and an opinion, "get a job" shouldn't come out (in writing, in photos, in speeches) as an answer to ... well to anything. I can almost guarantee that you know squat about the person or people you are directing that to. It's insulting to assume that someone who does not have a job is simply "lazy". Do those people exist? Sure. Are they "milking the system"? I'm sure some are. But, if you don't know the circumstances 100%, STFU.

I'm tired of people carelessly commenting on the lives of their "fellow man."

You see folk posting about "bullying" all the time... but I seriously doubt that some of them consider that careless comments can be just as hurtful as someone who's pushed you down in the dirt.

Let me make a few things clear:
- ALL shapes are beautiful. Don't tear someone down because YOU think they're too skinny or too fat or too anything.
- ALL colors are beautiful. It's what makes up the world.
- ALL religions (and no religion) is valid. You are not better than someone else because of what you believe in. You're better when you BEHAVE better and treat people with respect.
- I would LOVE a job... please, PLEASE tell me where I can find one right now. And please don't suggest I'm lazy because I won't take ANY job, but actually prefer to search for a job in my field, and utilize the money I PAID INTO while I do so in order to supplement my income.
- Lastly, please do not point out my flaws, in any way, shape or form. Even if you think it's to help me; even if you think it's to sympathize. I know what my flaws are. I deal with them every damned day. I already feel a failure and don't need your help having it pointed out to me.

If you really want to know what it is to be my friend, stand by me, love me... and consider what your words may be doing to my self-esteem when you comment on what you think you know about me.

(This ramble brought to you by the words "sick" and "tired" and a complete lack of patience anymore).

Being Stuck

Well, it's been a bit since I've posted about this. Honestly, I haven't been ready; I haven't been dealing; I haven't been happy about it.

My next IVF cycle technically starts tomorrow. We're on a different regimen this time and I'm anxious. The one drug they are giving me (Lupron) seems to have a history of bad hormonal reactions from a lot of what I've heard. I'm hoping that my trend of being the exception, not the norm, continues with this one in a positive light... because I'd really rather not deal with that on top of everything else going on in life.

Being unemployed is hard (obviously). But add to that about a million other little things which make me feel a tiny bit useless each time one occurs and you rapidly have a problem. Add hormonal wackiness that my body is just not used to, constant pain that I've dealt with for years, acid reflux rearing it's head again... and it's a wonder I manage to keep myself together on a day-to-day basis.

I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling that with some people I repeat myself over and over and I'd get more understanding from the wall. I'm tired of feeling back-stabbed, lied to or just ignored.

But I'm most tired of the apparent lack of concern because people are either too "afraid" to ask the dreaded question "How are you?" (when they know the answer is likely not positive) or who just don't care. Or, sometimes worse, who care, but who don't seem to understand the fact that, asking is fine and great and helps remind me I'm loved... but lecturing me on ways to fix my life does very little to make me feel better. I know I have blessings, I know I should exercise, I know, I know, I know...

Here I am, facing more injections, more pain, more bruising, more changes in mood and changes to my body which are not comfortable in the least. Facing more potential disappointment and tears and early morning doctor appointments and blood draws and ultrasounds and procedures and best rests... all the while trying to find a job to keep us out of financial straights - a job that won't mind all the potential interruptions of the above - and to keep a roof over our heads and our bills paid and ....

You get the point. At least I hope you get the point. Because honestly, what I need right now are friends who can help hold me up; not who manage (deliberately or not) to push me down or just turn their back.

_____ Behaving Badly

So, what do you do when people you expect better from are behaving badly? In theory, a real friend would speak up, explain how and why the person in question is effing up and make suggestions to help them fix it. But what do you do when you've attempted that route and are either "wrong", "interfering" or just written off entirely and ignored?

How many times do you try before you just need to give up for your own sanity? How often do you attempt to repair a broken relationship before it just becomes apparent that, maybe, the best answer is to walk away, regardless of how much it may hurt?

When do you admit to yourself that it's entirely possible you've been fed a line for too many years to count, allowed to believe the best in someone when they repeatedly prove that may not be the case, or realize that something, somewhere, somehow changed in the relationship, and no matter how much you are told to the contrary it hasn't, that it is just time to move on, move past and give up?

"Fool me once" as the saying goes... but fool me over and over and over again and it becomes apparent I've either become a masochist at some point or, in truth, you are not who you've led me to believe all this time. It hurts; it's hard to accept; but it's driving me deeper into a frustration I don't need at this time in my life. The effort has become far more than the rewards could ever be and that is sad, but sometimes the only recourse left is to walk away. You don't need me anymore, if you ever did, and I need to not be hurt any longer. I am not here as a friend of your convenience; I am not your mother to teach you right from wrong; but most of all, I am not putting up with it any longer.

I thank you for the times we had. But I can no longer hope for the times we could have. You have spoiled that; you have messed up too many times and ignored all chances to make amends for the hurts you've caused. The future of the relationship is now on you... like trust, my friendship has now become something you must EARN, not merely something you're given.