Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Lack of Faith

Ever just have “one of those weeks?” Yeah… we all do… I just wish mine didn’t seem so incredibly frequent sometimes. Can’t the bad news just spread out a bit?

Freya had another seizure this morning. I’m dealing better with each one, but it’s still frustrating and scary and upsetting. Add to that weird flushing in my face, possible bad news tomorrow, financial issues and looming jury duty and I really would rather just go back to bed and pretend this week isn’t happening.

I had a discussion around “faith” this weekend with someone whom I very much admire for her unwavering faith. I used to have that. I don’t know exactly what changed or when… but I don’t anymore. And I can’t get it back. I’ve tried. Some (with faith) may say I haven’t tried hard enough… or maybe I tried “too hard” instead of just listening. And that’s fine – I respect that. But, the truth is, it was there and now it’s not and it’s a very difficult thing to re-gain when every time I try it seems the Universe kicks me where it hurts the most.

I can say “oh if THIS happens, I’m sure I’ll find my faith again” but the reality is that I have a hard time believing it’s not all just dumb luck anymore. “Mean”, “bad” people seem to walk around this earth unscathed and living the life. Yes, yes… their “afterlife” is going to be horrid and they’ll “get theirs” in the end (if one believes in such things).

Pregnancy (a phenomenon I have started to realize is a complete mystery that it happens at all… one almost HAS to believe is Divinely achieved) happens to teens, abusers, drug addicts and women who just don’t want them and use abortion as birth control instead… and yet me, who has wanted nothing more in my entire life than to be a mom, can’t seem to manage it, even with medical intervention making it nearly impossible to fail.

And yet… it fails. Again and again and again.

And I want to believe… I want to genuinely say “if it works this time, God, I’ll believe.” But a little nugget in my brain says even that isn’t enough and maybe it would help and maybe it wouldn’t and what have I done so horrible that I can’t have faith or family or happiness…

Yes… it’s a “beat me up” session – I’ve had that kind of week and it’s only Tuesday.

From day to day my “belief” changes. Maybe I haven’t lost my faith in God. I don’t really know. I do still feel there is something bigger out there… I just don’t know that I believe He/She/It has any great influence on our day-to-day lives. That sort of makes me sad.

What’s more, I KNOW I don’t believe in organized religion anymore. Again, I don’t know when that happened or why… but I seriously doubt I will never return to a Church of any denomination. And maybe that is what makes me a “bad person” who “bad things” happen to. I don’t have the answers. I just know that I’m weary of it…

God – if you’re listening – please answer my prayer in a positive light. Please give me something to make this week better. I can’t promise it will make a huge difference in my views; but I can promise it will give me pause, which may be all I really need to get back on track.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Funny how things change so quickly...

I re-read that last post... and I still feel some of those frustrations, but I'm moving past.

First of all... after a whirlwind interview process, I am employed again. I love the job (though it is a little slow going lately) and I think this company holds a lot of good things for me.

I had my transfer. One very good hatching blast according to the doctor and embryologist.

It's positive and I need to keep focusing on that, even though there were some things just before transfer which make me a little nervous as to the success. But... we'll move along.

Keeping a separate log of any "symptoms" I have because being able to compare sometimes keeps the crazy down during my 2ww. I just hate the waiting. I wish I knew now whether or not it worked. And will keep working.