And I have been terrible thus far of keeping to that!
But... I have so many ideas and thoughts rolling around and so much going on, it's been a little difficult. I know... terrible excuse. I'll get back to it, I promise. But, in the meantime, we're getting close to that time of year for my annual "One Year" reflection, since the passing of a dear friend. So, as I sort out all the various topics in my brain to write on and get that annual message composed, I'll go ahead now and post the last five years on the topic.
I have a new page dedicated just to Erik. So, without further ado, I present you the last five years of "One Year."
For Erik
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
We Got The Funk
I have spent the last several days languishing in the confines of my house. It's been crappy outside for most of the day, I can't really spend any money right now and my motivation is, to put it simply, in the tubes.
I made the decision to start the PartyLite business for the main reason of feeling like I am contributing SOMETHING to the finances... but I'm not as hopeful or enthused as I would like to be. I guess I just don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to take on this sort of a project. I've never particularly LIKED sales... and, to be perfectly honest, the whole concept is a little intimidating and I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it's going to come to anything at all... Heck, I'm not even sure I'm going to make this first starter show requirement for the kit...... and really, if I can't pull THAT off, what in the world makes me think that I can make this even remotely possible.
I know what you're thinking... "That's not the right attitude to have" "That way of thinking will NEVER make it work." And, well... you're right. But, as the title suggests... in sort of a funk today.
I have literally spent the day staring at the computer screen, catching up on episodes of Glee from the first season. I "forgot" to eat lunch today. I'm lucky I even remembered to get out of my pj's. It's not healthy... it's not productive to that de-stress / positive thinking. But hey, we all have our failures right?
So what's this post really about then? Feeling sorry for myself? Justification for why it's ok to sit around like a lump and accomplish nothing day-in and day-out? Of course not... that sort of self-pitying hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past and certainly won't get me anywhere in the future.
I need something to spark my creative interest... to get me motivated and happy and relaxed again. But, I haven't the foggiest idea what that is. I had hoped planning for the PartyLite would do it, but I am just not feeling it. That, my dears, is a means to an end. An end being a tiny bit of release from my constant financial worry. From my guilt over not finding the right job (even though a part of me knows there are rather good reasons why I've stalled on the search right now). From my doldrums of staring at this stupid computer day after day, hoping that something will magically spur me out of this funk and make me not feel so lonely and worried and angry and irritated and....... you get the point. I'm not in a good place, and quite frankly, I hate it right now.
Depression is a tricky Mistress. It doesn't always leave you crying buckets, or wanting to slit your wrists or tossing fine china around the house. Those are the obvious and "expected" reactions. No... more often than not, it seeps in as this horrible empty, lack of inspiration sort of feeling that just doesn't let go. And, having been the routes of therapy and drugs and even the self-medicated, drinking and acting like an ass, I can honestly say that there aren't a whole lot of ways to really shake it. I get more "therapy" out of writing it out than sitting in front of a "degreed" stranger who tells me it's "ok to feel like this" and "what do I really think about how that makes me feel." Drugs.... well I'm pretty sure the emptiness fighting through a depression is almost preferred to that of being stoned or "faking" emotion because of chemicals made in a lab. And well... that last option, even I know how stupid and unproductive it is to drink yourself to "happy" or behave in a manner which makes others (and maybe yourself) be fooled into thinking everything is ok. Everything is NOT ok... and why in the world must we always pretend it is.
Like it has previously... this will pass. And, I'm ok in that knowledge. Knowing that it's just a matter of finding that peace inside me... finding that inspiration... that creative outlet or whatever to drag myself back up out of this funk and move on and past this latest grumble.
In the words of the great George Clinton:
You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm going round
Ow, we want the funk
Give up the funk
Ow, we need the funk
We gotta have that funk
La la la la la
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, owww!
I made the decision to start the PartyLite business for the main reason of feeling like I am contributing SOMETHING to the finances... but I'm not as hopeful or enthused as I would like to be. I guess I just don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to take on this sort of a project. I've never particularly LIKED sales... and, to be perfectly honest, the whole concept is a little intimidating and I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it's going to come to anything at all... Heck, I'm not even sure I'm going to make this first starter show requirement for the kit...... and really, if I can't pull THAT off, what in the world makes me think that I can make this even remotely possible.
I know what you're thinking... "That's not the right attitude to have" "That way of thinking will NEVER make it work." And, well... you're right. But, as the title suggests... in sort of a funk today.
I have literally spent the day staring at the computer screen, catching up on episodes of Glee from the first season. I "forgot" to eat lunch today. I'm lucky I even remembered to get out of my pj's. It's not healthy... it's not productive to that de-stress / positive thinking. But hey, we all have our failures right?
So what's this post really about then? Feeling sorry for myself? Justification for why it's ok to sit around like a lump and accomplish nothing day-in and day-out? Of course not... that sort of self-pitying hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past and certainly won't get me anywhere in the future.
I need something to spark my creative interest... to get me motivated and happy and relaxed again. But, I haven't the foggiest idea what that is. I had hoped planning for the PartyLite would do it, but I am just not feeling it. That, my dears, is a means to an end. An end being a tiny bit of release from my constant financial worry. From my guilt over not finding the right job (even though a part of me knows there are rather good reasons why I've stalled on the search right now). From my doldrums of staring at this stupid computer day after day, hoping that something will magically spur me out of this funk and make me not feel so lonely and worried and angry and irritated and....... you get the point. I'm not in a good place, and quite frankly, I hate it right now.
Depression is a tricky Mistress. It doesn't always leave you crying buckets, or wanting to slit your wrists or tossing fine china around the house. Those are the obvious and "expected" reactions. No... more often than not, it seeps in as this horrible empty, lack of inspiration sort of feeling that just doesn't let go. And, having been the routes of therapy and drugs and even the self-medicated, drinking and acting like an ass, I can honestly say that there aren't a whole lot of ways to really shake it. I get more "therapy" out of writing it out than sitting in front of a "degreed" stranger who tells me it's "ok to feel like this" and "what do I really think about how that makes me feel." Drugs.... well I'm pretty sure the emptiness fighting through a depression is almost preferred to that of being stoned or "faking" emotion because of chemicals made in a lab. And well... that last option, even I know how stupid and unproductive it is to drink yourself to "happy" or behave in a manner which makes others (and maybe yourself) be fooled into thinking everything is ok. Everything is NOT ok... and why in the world must we always pretend it is.
Like it has previously... this will pass. And, I'm ok in that knowledge. Knowing that it's just a matter of finding that peace inside me... finding that inspiration... that creative outlet or whatever to drag myself back up out of this funk and move on and past this latest grumble.
In the words of the great George Clinton:
You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm going round
Ow, we want the funk
Give up the funk
Ow, we need the funk
We gotta have that funk
La la la la la
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, owww!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Death of the Social Butterfly
I have no idea why that particular title came to mind, but there you have it.
If anyone's been following, you know that in this post I have a variety of "invisible" diseases. The worst of this is gastric reflux... GERD... or as most people know, "heartburn." I've been through a number of surgeries and could go on ad nauseum about the anatomy of my digestive system. And... I thought it was "fixed."
But it creeps back in, at the worst times (not that there's really a GOOD time for this), and makes me feel more than frustrated... makes me feel like crawling under a rock and never coming out again.
Most people's experience with heartburn falls into a category of "indigestion" where you eat something that doesn't agree with you and it feels like your chest is actually burning. More serious sufferers, like me, can actually have heart attack-like pain, which thankfully has not recurred in me recently. However, I woke up at approximately 3:30 this morning, literally choking on stomach acid. Not really the best of wake-up calls, let me tell you. I have spent the day watching what I eat and hoping to find something which will make my stomach stop burning and my throat stop hurting.
And, from a mental / emotional standpoint, this isn't even the worst of it. I have a get-together tonight. Food, fun, friends and booze.
Being a bit of a "foodie" one can imagine social gatherings more often than not are surrounded food. Loving a good glass of wine, many such gatherings are also surrounded by alcohol of some variety.
And now maybe you'll start to see the picture of frustration I have painted my evening with, given my recent early morning wake-up calls.
I'm trying to keep on a happy face about this (positive thinking and all that jazz). I'm trying to make sure there is food available which will be less difficult on my digestive system. I try to tell myself that, not having a glass or two of wine will be fine.
But sometimes, I have a hard time talking myself into it. So best I can do is make the most of the lot I've been given and try not to get myself too down over it. Try not to kill that social butterfly and opt to hide here in the house instead. It's hard... and I know some folks who would say "don't worry" "don't hide" "we love you"... and that's all well and good, but the truth is this may be one of my most frustrating medical condition because it affects me in a very social way... and a way a lot of folk don't understand unless they've dealt with it themselves.
I blog to "get it out there" / "vent my spleen" as it were (if you'll pardon the pun). But it doesn't fix the problem... only reminds me that it's something I will always have to deal with. And maybe that it's time to start taking the more serious measures of accepting there are things I should no longer do / eat / drink in order to keep the symptoms to a mimimum. Because, I'm out of other medical options... and that's a really bad place to be.
If anyone's been following, you know that in this post I have a variety of "invisible" diseases. The worst of this is gastric reflux... GERD... or as most people know, "heartburn." I've been through a number of surgeries and could go on ad nauseum about the anatomy of my digestive system. And... I thought it was "fixed."
But it creeps back in, at the worst times (not that there's really a GOOD time for this), and makes me feel more than frustrated... makes me feel like crawling under a rock and never coming out again.
Most people's experience with heartburn falls into a category of "indigestion" where you eat something that doesn't agree with you and it feels like your chest is actually burning. More serious sufferers, like me, can actually have heart attack-like pain, which thankfully has not recurred in me recently. However, I woke up at approximately 3:30 this morning, literally choking on stomach acid. Not really the best of wake-up calls, let me tell you. I have spent the day watching what I eat and hoping to find something which will make my stomach stop burning and my throat stop hurting.
And, from a mental / emotional standpoint, this isn't even the worst of it. I have a get-together tonight. Food, fun, friends and booze.
Being a bit of a "foodie" one can imagine social gatherings more often than not are surrounded food. Loving a good glass of wine, many such gatherings are also surrounded by alcohol of some variety.
And now maybe you'll start to see the picture of frustration I have painted my evening with, given my recent early morning wake-up calls.
I'm trying to keep on a happy face about this (positive thinking and all that jazz). I'm trying to make sure there is food available which will be less difficult on my digestive system. I try to tell myself that, not having a glass or two of wine will be fine.
But sometimes, I have a hard time talking myself into it. So best I can do is make the most of the lot I've been given and try not to get myself too down over it. Try not to kill that social butterfly and opt to hide here in the house instead. It's hard... and I know some folks who would say "don't worry" "don't hide" "we love you"... and that's all well and good, but the truth is this may be one of my most frustrating medical condition because it affects me in a very social way... and a way a lot of folk don't understand unless they've dealt with it themselves.
I blog to "get it out there" / "vent my spleen" as it were (if you'll pardon the pun). But it doesn't fix the problem... only reminds me that it's something I will always have to deal with. And maybe that it's time to start taking the more serious measures of accepting there are things I should no longer do / eat / drink in order to keep the symptoms to a mimimum. Because, I'm out of other medical options... and that's a really bad place to be.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Processing.... processing...
Honestly... STILL processing, even though I've been inundated with it all day on FB posts and news blurbs.
But, I do have a few things to say. And, I'm gonna preface this with - if you don't like what I have to say here, good for you. But, rather than blast me for it, unfriend me, stop reading me, stop speaking to me... whatever, just don't fill up my blog with hate. Because, as you may have guessed, I'm tired of the hate.
I responded to someone who mentioned the "coincidence" of the announcement of OBL's death. For the record, my cynicism doesn't come from any conspiracy belief that it's not true or never happened. It comes from a belief that, I do often feel our government times things for full impact - whether it happened yesterday or a year ago or six months ago or not at all. And, it's sort of a sad statement that I do feel suspicous in that manner. That "DNA proof" and "burial at sea" automatically make me think "lie" or "half-truth."
(Note: the irony of the below quote's speaker in context to the above is not lost on me)
If the people cannot trust their government to do the job for which it exists - to protect them and to promote their common welfare - all else is lost. Barack Obama
I find myself angry at the "General Population" for reaction to this. I am even more angry at the notion that those who do NOT feel like celebrating a death, regardless of the despicable nature of the dead person's behavior, are somehow un-American and un-patriotic. Also... for more irony... many times these are the same sort of people who claim to be Christian and who decry how horrible Islam and Muslims (love generalities) are for calling for the death of those who are not like them. I am glad those who were unable to find closure from 9/11 are able now to do so with this announcement. I am glad that there is one less inciter to violence against his fellow man. But, I'm not going to dance in the streets. I'm not going to wish there had been a more violent "justice" for him. And those who do and think I'm un-American and un-patriotic not to feel the same - I offer only peace to you. Because that is no way to continue to live your life... and what's more that is far from any sort of spiritual or religious belief I do get behind - whether it's Christ's teachings to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" or the Wiccan Rede "Do as thou will; but any harm none."
Sadly, this doesn't all magically disappear because of the death of one man. And to blatantly act in a manner which is chillingly reminiscent of those in the Middle East after 9/11 only serves to continue to incite more violence.
I had hoped for so long that a great change and Enlightenment was coming for the World. But, unfortunately, mankind just keeps disappointing me; keeps showing they are far from open and ready for real change.
"...We humans have always sought to increase our personal energy in the only manner we have known, by seeking to psychologically steal it from the others--an unconscious competition that underlies all human conflict in the world."
— James Redfield
I'll still hold onto my hope for a greater understanding of each other and a greater change and move towards real peace. It's the one positive that, no matter what happens in my own life, I do still cling to. I'll continue to put out my energy towards a more positive world; a more peaceful world. If you want to think me an idealist and maybe even a little naive, so be it. But don't call me un-American or un-patriotic. Last time I checked, to be American meant to have some pretty big dreams.
But, I do have a few things to say. And, I'm gonna preface this with - if you don't like what I have to say here, good for you. But, rather than blast me for it, unfriend me, stop reading me, stop speaking to me... whatever, just don't fill up my blog with hate. Because, as you may have guessed, I'm tired of the hate.
I responded to someone who mentioned the "coincidence" of the announcement of OBL's death. For the record, my cynicism doesn't come from any conspiracy belief that it's not true or never happened. It comes from a belief that, I do often feel our government times things for full impact - whether it happened yesterday or a year ago or six months ago or not at all. And, it's sort of a sad statement that I do feel suspicous in that manner. That "DNA proof" and "burial at sea" automatically make me think "lie" or "half-truth."
(Note: the irony of the below quote's speaker in context to the above is not lost on me)
If the people cannot trust their government to do the job for which it exists - to protect them and to promote their common welfare - all else is lost. Barack Obama
I find myself angry at the "General Population" for reaction to this. I am even more angry at the notion that those who do NOT feel like celebrating a death, regardless of the despicable nature of the dead person's behavior, are somehow un-American and un-patriotic. Also... for more irony... many times these are the same sort of people who claim to be Christian and who decry how horrible Islam and Muslims (love generalities) are for calling for the death of those who are not like them. I am glad those who were unable to find closure from 9/11 are able now to do so with this announcement. I am glad that there is one less inciter to violence against his fellow man. But, I'm not going to dance in the streets. I'm not going to wish there had been a more violent "justice" for him. And those who do and think I'm un-American and un-patriotic not to feel the same - I offer only peace to you. Because that is no way to continue to live your life... and what's more that is far from any sort of spiritual or religious belief I do get behind - whether it's Christ's teachings to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" or the Wiccan Rede "Do as thou will; but any harm none."
Sadly, this doesn't all magically disappear because of the death of one man. And to blatantly act in a manner which is chillingly reminiscent of those in the Middle East after 9/11 only serves to continue to incite more violence.
I had hoped for so long that a great change and Enlightenment was coming for the World. But, unfortunately, mankind just keeps disappointing me; keeps showing they are far from open and ready for real change.
"...We humans have always sought to increase our personal energy in the only manner we have known, by seeking to psychologically steal it from the others--an unconscious competition that underlies all human conflict in the world."
— James Redfield
I'll still hold onto my hope for a greater understanding of each other and a greater change and move towards real peace. It's the one positive that, no matter what happens in my own life, I do still cling to. I'll continue to put out my energy towards a more positive world; a more peaceful world. If you want to think me an idealist and maybe even a little naive, so be it. But don't call me un-American or un-patriotic. Last time I checked, to be American meant to have some pretty big dreams.
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