tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-24297284537083383162024-02-19T02:49:45.530-08:00Only Mealannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-42776827146485986972013-07-02T06:18:00.001-07:002013-07-02T06:18:03.536-07:00In Memorium<a href="http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/delawareonline/obituary.aspx?n=sandra-burr&pid=165572994&fhid=7897#fbLoggedOut">http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/delawareonline/obituary.aspx?n=sandra-burr&pid=165572994&fhid=7897#fbLoggedOut</a><br />
<br />
You often hear horror stories about mother-in-law's who are mean, judgmental, cause issues with the marriage, etc.<br />
<br />
I never had to worry about that. From the day I met Sandy Burr, I knew we weren't just going to be related through marriage - we were going to be friends. <br />
<br />
Someone recently said to me "it seems you were very close to your MIL... how come?" And I realize I couldn't exactly answer that question. Was it because she didn't fit that "stereotype" of a monster-in-law? Maybe... but it was more than that. I felt comfortable talking to her about anything; we laughed and joked. The simple fact that for so long she was the "only woman" in the lives of her son and husband could have made it very uncomfortable for me; but instead she viewed it as a "comrade in arms" - now two of us could gang up on those guys instead of being on the receiving end of their teasing. <br />
<br />
When Wes and I got engaged, I wanted to make sure that both moms felt included in the planning. It wasn't easy, since Sandy and my own mother each lived 2 hours away, but I made sure to include them. Talked about the types of cake, shared ideas on our theme, our colors, what we wanted for toasting glasses or cake toppers, what I was going to wear / use from my own parents wedding (like the tiara from my mothers veil and the cake topper they had)... Sandy was as interested and excited about the planning as my mother was and that made me happy. I remember the day we went to look at toasting glasses and I couldn't decide between the Celtic knot champagne glasses or the Scottish Quaich (a single cup/bowl with handles that was shared between the married couple). Sandy made me leave the store while she made a purchase... and came out with both. When I cracked a joke at my father-in-law's expense while they were ordering the tuxes ("I'm a "Senior"" (explaining to the woman his name was the same as Wes')... I responded with "You certainly are."), she laughed the hardest. <br />
<br />
The summer before we were married, I ended up in the hospital twice for my esophageal issues. My folks made plans to come down and stay for a few days so they could spend time with me there and comfort / keep my mind occupied. But Sandy and Wes Burr came over as well. That meant a lot to me. When Wes couldn't take me to an appointment down in Baltimore, his folks drove up to take me down to the appointment, then back home and Sandy helped take care of me that day, even declaring at one point that I was not a very patient patient and "reprimanding" me to take it easy while I was recovering. <br />
<br />
We had the same taste in books and music and TV shows. <br />
<br />
When I was out in Pittsburgh and miserable out there by myself, Sandy was one of the people I called when I was feeling particularly down and frustrated. She helped get us back on our feet financially, so I could come back home with her son and not have to worry about things. <br />
<br />
And then the first cancer came. I knew (possibly even before her son) that she was going for some testing. I didn't know at first what it was for, but it didn't take me long to figure out. And through her treatments and hair loss and numerous appointments I tried to be there for her as best I could, joking and helping keep a smile on her face. She was one tough woman and when the treatment showed to be working we breathed a collective sigh of relief.<br />
<br />
And she cheered us through each infertility treatment... supporting me through each failure and each successive attempt. And when we finally succeeded, she smiles and cried with the rest of us.<br />
<br />
Then the second cancer came. I remember the day we found out, Wes and I were both in tears, wondering if she would even see her granddaughter born. The last months of my pregnancy were tough on me, but Sandy still called me at least once a week to see how I was doing, how the baby was doing... all the while going through her own treatments. And I held out hope that not only would see Morgan born, but she'd be around for a long time to watch her grow up.<br />
<br />
And in December... she was there with the rest of the family to welcome her first granddaughter and hold her shortly after her birth. <br />
<br />
Morgan seemed to grow leaps and bounds and all her little outfits were grown out of almost as soon as we got them. So during one visit Sandy decided we were all going to Babies R Us and buying new clothes. Wes and his dad wandered off with the baby and Sandy and I started picking out clothes. Morgan was only about two or three months old at the time, and Sandy was so excited she wanted to go over to the toy section next. I laughed and said we didn't need to do that, since Morgan wasn't really playing with toys just yet and we had plenty of time to spoil her with new toys.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, no long thereafter we realized the treatments did not work. The tumor was larger and inoperable. My biggest regret right now is the fact that I didn't let her go and buy the store out of all their toys like she wanted.<br />
<br />
It's weird how one's mind focuses in on something so insignificant as "baby toys" and holds onto that as their biggest regret.<br />
<br />
But the truth is, it's not even about the toys. It's everything - Sandy won't see her first birthday, her first recital, her first day of school, first dance........ the list goes on. <br />
<br />
If you've read any of my blog, you know basically how I feel about Life and Death - the Afterlife and Rebirth/Reincarnation. So... I know Sandy will never truly leave us. And, in some way, she won't miss all these things. But sometimes the concept of the "incorporeal" and the "guardian angels" doesn't cut it for me. I wanted Morgan to grow up knowing all of her grandparents - something I did not get a chance to do. I wanted her to be excited about going to see Grandma Sandy, with whom she could do no wrong and be spoiled rotten. <br />
<br />
The day after Sandy's passing, we returned from their home (which felt strangely empty without here there in the kitchen, telling me stories about the broken fork or how her grandmother made this or that from scratch) and I went about my evening routine of putting Morgan to bed. She was particularly restless and kept pulling away while I was nursing, sitting straight up in my lap to look at a corner of the nursery, wave and "talk". I had to laugh. I knew Grandma Sandy was there, waving and smiling and distracting my baby just so that she could say "hi." <br />
<br />
My heart is heavy with missing her. And I know I can never do justice to her memory. But I'm going to try my best, because she deserves that and more.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-38816677470281745402013-01-29T10:31:00.002-08:002013-02-22T19:59:43.920-08:00*heavy sigh* "I have been up all night," I thought to myself, "I wonder when it really is time to call the doctor?"<br />
<br />
My induction had been scheduled for Tuesday, December 11th. So, of course, Friday, December 7th, I start contracting like crazy. Uncomfortable enough that I cannot sleep. Finally, around 5am, I give up and call the doctor's line. Within 15 min, the doctor on call calls back and, after hearing how far apart they are and how long it's been going on, suggests it's time to go to the hospital. I wake up Wes "Honey, Dr. W says it's time to go to the hospital, wake up." Incoherent mumble, I take as "ok". I go downstairs to pee for the millionth time and then back up to get dressed and grab my bag.<br />
<br />
Wes... is still asleep.<br />
<br />
"Hon... I'm not kidding. This is not a drill. The doctor says go to the hospital." That sort of gets him moving. Though slowly. *grin*<br />
<br />
We get to the hospital (after making him stop to grab a quick bite). I'm taken into a triage room. Doctor on call comes in to examine me.<br />
<br />
"You're only 2 cm dilated. You can go walk around the hospital for 2 hours, then come back and we'll check again."<br />
<br />
... Walk? Two hours? /sigh So... we walk. All over the damn hospital. For two hours. I go back to triage.<br />
<br />
"You're... 2 cm dilated. Go home."<br />
<br />
Back home we go. Contractions had settled down, so we chalked it up to "false alarm." I could have walked more around the house to see if we could get them going again, but I was damn tired. Off to bed I went, with instructions to Wes to make sure he eats something and wake me up at 4.<br />
<br />
I wake up on my own a while later, and proceed to walk around the house. Contractions don't seem to be coming any faster/closer... but definitely harder.<br />
<br />
"Nurse said to come back if they get more intense... they ARE more intense." Back we go... 12 hours from the first time we went in.<br />
<br />
"You're 2 cm dilated. The doctor on call can give you something to help you sleep OR you can walk for 2 hours and come back."<br />
<br />
I was already there... I chose to walk again. At this point, they were coming faster and quite painful. It was all in my back - and like they say, back labor SUCKS. As we walked down the first corridor, a woman on her cell phone looks at me and says "You in labor? Try the stairs in the lobby... that's what did it for me."<br />
<br />
So... down the hallway, up the stairs, pace the hallway, down the stairs, finish the trip to the other side of the hospital, reverse the direction and repeat.<br />
<br />
It got the point where the contractions were coming hard enough I had to keep stopping and leaning on a chair to rest and catch my breath. Passerby looked at us sympathetically... and we'd smile and continue on our way.<br />
<br />
At the hour and a half mark, I was on my way back towards triage when something "popped". I stopped as two women (one very pregnant as well) passed us. "Uh... uh oh."<br />
<br />
"Did your water just break," commented the one woman as they turned back around.<br />
<br />
"Uh... I don't know." "Well... you're not wet." (strangers in hospitals make odd observations I realized). "Well, no," says I. "But I do have a pad on." (Let me interrupt to say... if it had REALLY broke... a pad would have done zilch... just sayin').<br />
<br />
Back to triage. Nurse on duty: "You're back early." "I think my water broke." Nurse looks at me slightly skeptical... "Well, let's check." Back up on the table I go. She checks. "Well... you're still not really dilated, but it looks like your waters are at least leaking... you'll be staying, we just need to do a test to confirm." Test comes back positive for amniotic fluid... I have earned myself a hospital stay!<br />
<br />
I get admitted. Contractions are really coming hard and somewhat painful now. Nurse in L&D says "Do you want an epidural?" Me: "Uh... YES.""When do you want me to call the anesthesiologist?" "Five minutes ago?" She laughs and goes to get the doctor.<br />
<br />
If you have never had an epidural before (I have coincidentally for a previous surgery, so I knew what to expect), let me just say it's a tad nerve wracking. They are sticking a needle... into your spine. You have to stay very still. This is quite a task when you're having contractions. And... it still hurts a bit. But, once it's in and the medicine is flowing... AH... Better living through chemistry, as my father-in-law would say.<br />
<br />
At this point, there was a lot of "wash, rinse, repeat." I was hooked to monitors to check on baby's heartbeat, my BP, my contractions. I was checked every couple hours by a nurse or a doctor. Wes slept (like the dead, I might add). I dosed as I could but mostly just rested waiting for the Big Show.<br />
<br />
At one point, the next day (Sunday), the doctor on call came in and decided things just were not moving at all (they had me on Pitocin, but the baby was not moving down, I was dilating very slowly and I think this doctor was honestly just tired of waiting. LOL). She declared she was breaking my waters. I am thankful I did not see the instrument used to do so until AFTER she did it. Numb legs or not, I may have gotten up and run away. BUT - there was no pain, just an odd "popping" sensation. And then I was wet. VERY VERY wet. Wes, strangely fascinated, couldn't seem to look away, despite the fact that he declared it quite... aromatic. And sort of gross looking. Nurses crawled out of the woodwork to change me, change the bedding, and clean up. It was pretty darn amazing how fast they work. At that point, I kept leaking a lot and they had to change the pads under me every so often. But still... no pain.<br />
<br />
Now the baby is too high and can't come down because there is no fluid cushioning her. So... they add fluid, increase the pitocin and put on an internal monitor. At this point, the on call doctors also switched.<br />
<br />
Wes informs me that the troops have started to arrive. However at this point things have started to change. I'm having very bad pain in my back on my left side. I finally give in after crying to Wes that I "just can't do this" and let them call the anesthesiologist back in. He pushes a stronger dose of medicine right into the epidural line and rolls me over to my left side. I instantly start to feel better. He leaves; and I instantly start to feel lightheaded.<br />
<br />
"Uh... didn't the nurse say I was to let her know if I was lightheaded?" Wes runs out to tell her, but she was on her way in... the monitors showed my BP rapidly dropped. Back over to my right side, pushed a TON of fluids into me and propped me up some. BP stayed lower, but not as dangerous as it was. I decided I didn't want to see the rest of the company who was waiting for me.<br />
<br />
I was scared. The last time a medication caused that sort of reaction, the next reaction was vomiting and having trouble breathing. The pain came back on the left side and the next hour or so was spent trying to keep my BP up, while at the same time getting me semi on my left side to get the medicine to the right spot. We finally managed it and I started to feel much better.<br />
<br />
I finally asked Wes to bring my mom in. I knew the baby was going to not be much longer, and there was just something about wanting to have my Mommy there when I wasn't feeling the best. She came in, surprised as how little pain I was having. I explained to her that I wasn't feeling any pain, but that the contractions were hard enough I still had to breathe through them. It was nice having her there for a few minutes; the BP reaction really frightened me and it calmed me back down to have here there. But, I also knew it was about time to get down to business.<br />
<br />
When she left and the doctor came back in to check on my progress he said to us there was a 75% chance he'd have to do a c-section. This was the last thing I wanted to hear after going through all this and knowing how my body reacted to surgeries. He left after increasing the pitocin again and said he'd be back to check on me.<br />
<br />
"80% chance of a c-section," the next time he came in. I wanted to cry, but held it together... "Well, at least I'd get two more weeks on my disability to be home with her if they did a c-section," I told Wes.<br />
<br />
The third time the doctor came in I expected to be wheeled to the OR. "Well," he says, "We're gonna push now."<br />
<br />
Wait... we're gonna WHAT? Yup. He decided he was going to let me try to push. She had come down far enough that he thought we might still be able to deliver her vaginally.<br />
<br />
Let me just say... it wasn't the contractions (once I got the epidural and the back pain under control). It wasn't even the pressure and the pushing. The "gross" factor of giving birth doesn't phase me too much (though I was a little embarrasedabout some of it; overall, I've been through enough medical stuff that bodily functions in the arena of a medical process does not really bother me too much anymore). What really got me was holding my breath. Yup. I had to hold my breath for ten seconds while bearing down. Hardest thing I may have ever had to do in my life. It sounds silly, but there you have it. Hardest part of labor for me was holding my breath for those 10 seconds while at the same time pushing a small human being out of me.<br />
<br />
Forty-five minutes later (after hearing the "here's her head, dad. Do you see?" and getting to touch her crown as she started to emerge), I gave one final push and she was out. Doctor and nurses were all amazed because, as a first time mom, they said they didn't usually have such a small amount of time actually pushing. Apparently sometimes that phase alone takes hours.<br />
<br />
But then we had one final little scare... they whisked her away from me to clean her up and get the meconium out of her mouth & lungs. I heard these words, but I didn't know what that meant. All I knew was that my little girl was on the far side of the room, I couldn't turn to see her because of how I was hooked up and I was still working with the doctor for the delivery of the placenta and I couldn't hear her cry.<br />
<br />
I could hear the pediatricians and nurses talking about needing to get her to cry. I could hear a bit of a whimper like a small mewling kitten. But I did not hear that big lusty cry you hear in the "movies"<br />
<br />
They had Wes come over and take a picture of her on his phone, so he could show me, but all that did was make me want to hold her more. I started to cry a bit... I was scared again. Wes held my hand. But then finally a nurse brought her over to me to see if I could get her to latch and maybe give a good cry then. And finally she did. And it was the most beautiful sound I have ever heard in my life.<br />
<br />
There is nothing like those first few moments holding your newborn. Nothing I write here can even begin to explain how I felt. But, these pictures come close:<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_Vh_jGRbZRwPNs_lKSiIafR11PWV3dW0xTrdF8iFZDAye-fSoqVekWbnPtHAaxUc1QaCkfZLXfsRAmQlN0eFaaGxRZb-Nd_p0b71fTlwXA8-cV1h3OWKtK6YDP9D9uFqa4sOUo4AE9hI/s1600/DSC00649.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_Vh_jGRbZRwPNs_lKSiIafR11PWV3dW0xTrdF8iFZDAye-fSoqVekWbnPtHAaxUc1QaCkfZLXfsRAmQlN0eFaaGxRZb-Nd_p0b71fTlwXA8-cV1h3OWKtK6YDP9D9uFqa4sOUo4AE9hI/s320/DSC00649.JPG" width="180" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGIPOomSDTcH_wYyN3rF9-npjj-KG_vdtx_TMQIUa3C7e08yMsYr7fqLsK77qBi5k376E7pTIiBGSAzMaLWEk6iTW1nTdtMCh-yNj2iHmCf7eFmFlDjs8rE-mZGdmr7ntQAZxqaN9e99E/s1600/DSC00643.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGIPOomSDTcH_wYyN3rF9-npjj-KG_vdtx_TMQIUa3C7e08yMsYr7fqLsK77qBi5k376E7pTIiBGSAzMaLWEk6iTW1nTdtMCh-yNj2iHmCf7eFmFlDjs8rE-mZGdmr7ntQAZxqaN9e99E/s320/DSC00643.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
At 3:17 pm on December 9th, 2012, we welcomed Morgan Amelia Burr into our lives. She had already wormed her way into my heart the last nine months, but now I could share her with the rest of those I love.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-6070026728268620152013-01-14T18:13:00.007-08:002013-01-14T18:19:57.425-08:00Ok... still not Morgan's "birth story" but this one needs attention tonight.<br />
<br />
This has the potential to be a trigger. Please do not read if you're easily upset. <br />
<br />
<br />
<a name='more'></a>I read a post this morning about a woman who lost her 22 day old baby to currently unknown causes. The doctors suspect a possible GI type issue - bowel rupture or something similar.<br />
<br />
If you know my history, you know how deeply upsetting this sort of thing could be for me. Add to that some extreme fussiness after Morgan feeds the last few days and we have a volatile mix for one very upset mama.<br />
<br />
It's hard. Babies do not come with manuals. There's no real "normal"... every child, like every person, is unique and different and bound to react in a variety of ways to a variety of things. What may be a concerning behavior in one child, may be something completely benign in another. And, there is no way to tell.<br />
<br />
I was reminded tonight though that the best we can do is value each moment; treasure the times we do have as precious; and try not to focus too much on the "what if's" of this thing we call Life.<br />
<br />
Thank you for that reminder...<br />
<br />
Life is precious. Life is fleeting. Whether it is "controled" by a higher Being, by "Fate" or by dumb luck, we only get the moments we're going to get and so we need to savor each of them.<br />
<br />
Pitiful cries, painful screams, precious smiles, giggles and coos; sleepy yawns and warm cuddles.<br />
<br />
Each of these is important and treasured.<br />
<br />
Some of you following know my yearly dedication to Erik. Some of you new followers, can find the dedication under the <a href="http://onlyme-alannariva.blogspot.com/p/for-erik.html" target="_blank">For Erik</a> link. My life was made richer for having known him, poorer for having lost him. My only regret was no valuing our moments together more.<br />
<br />
Morgan Amelia Burr has been long awaited in this family. She is more precious to me than anything has ever been and I never thought I could feel so much love for anyone. Every moment with her is new and beautiful and uniquely ours. And I'd rather those moments be treasured and remembered as the precious gifts they are, rather than full of worry for what happens next.<br />
<br />
I was blessed by the Spirit and the Universe with her in my life. And I will remember that and treasure each moment more, rather than worry for moments which may never come.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-16996268709617478832013-01-09T06:41:00.003-08:002013-01-09T06:41:52.308-08:00September 2012 was the last time I wrote.<br />
<br />
Wow... yeah... being pregnant makes time get away from you in those last months. Being a mom doubles that...<br />
<br />
I intend to write here when I can - document the wonders of Motherhood, so my wee little brain doesn't forget them.<br />
<br />
Because they're important. Because that time goes so fast and I don't want to forget a single moment of it.<br />
<br />
I plan on starting with Morgan's birth story. Two things you should know here, dear reader:<br />
1. I'm starting here because my last trimester was very difficult for me and stressful and filled with pain and doctor's visits and anxiety. I don't want to remember that... I want to leave it behind now that Morgan is finally here.<br />
<br />
2. I will not include ALL the details, but be warned, I'm also not going to sugar coat it all either. Labor and birth are a messy business. Given my medical history and some of the late pregnancy complications, my story is also full of some anxiety and worries. These are important for me to remember though - and maybe even important for anyone who wants to know everything about everything (I wish I had known some of this; it may have made it less stressful on me).<br />
<br />
But... it IS a beautiful story, IMO. Because, in the end, at 3:17pm on December 9th, 2012, we were blessed with the arrival of Morgan Amelia Burr. Our lives have been changed and turned upside down... and I couldn't be happier about that fact.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-46604863098922845982012-09-09T11:13:00.002-07:002012-09-09T11:13:48.435-07:00Possible trigger. You have been warned. <br />
<br />
There are any number of reasons I haven't written a lot.<br />
Some are personal; some logistical. But at any rate, I haven't so there you have it.<br />
<br />
But we'll try to make up for that a little in this post.<br />
<br />
Overall, pregnancy has been good to me. Headed into my third trimester and aside from expected issues, this has been going fairly well. Not necessarily smoothly and certainly not easily (making a human Bean is really hard work. I mean... REALLY hard), but overall no major issues.<br />
<br />
I had my biggest scare this past Friday. I woke up with a sudden very sharp chest pain. Now, for those who know me, you probably also know this is not unfamiliar territory for me given my GI history. But, good baby-maker I currently am trying to be, I called my doctor's office from work and explained what happened and did they want to see me or was this another case of "normal but scary."<br />
<br />
I was told to go to Labor & Delivery (L&D) as soon as possible.<br />
<br />
Not quite what I wanted to hear, but given my esophageal spasms sometimes mimic a heart attack, I understood the concern.<br />
<br />
L&D checked me and Bean out. She was fine (though a smidge ornery). I was starting to have my heart race and overall not feeling well. L&D doctor opted to send me to regular ER since this was obviously a medical, not OB issue.<br />
<br />
I still wasn't too concerned. Chest spasms are scary, hospitals can make my pulse race and, well... I'm 27 weeks pregnant. Breathing issues are not uncommon.<br />
<br />
But ER started to become concerned when I had to tell them a few years ago my mother had clots in her legs and they could not determine what caused them.<br />
<br />
I painful IV stick, blood work, pee sample, EKG, ultrasound of both legs, check of all vitals and a chest X-ray later, docs were almost ready to rule out everything serious and chalk it up to GI (as I suspected and send me home). But one more consult and suddenly we were having conversations about the merits of a CT scan vs risks to check my lungs for a clot there.<br />
<br />
I admit... I started to get a little panicky. This pregnancy was so hard to get to this point, I didn't want to take any chances. But... I couldn't very well walk out of there if *my* life was at risk either. Bean wouldn't fare too well at all without her life support system.<br />
<br />
After a very lengthy conversation with the doc where I shared my concerns, my feelings on my GI history and overall opinion of the matter, he did agree that, while they couldn't rule out a clot 100% without a CT scan, he didn't think I LOOKED like someone experiencing a pulmonary embolism, he would agree with my assessment that it was GI.<br />
<br />
So... home I went. Confident that I had done the right thing, and agreeing that if anything changed, I'd come right back to the ER.<br />
<br />
Had dinner. Tried to rest. Heart started racing. Took BP and pulse. BP normal... but pulse was 101 resting. Continued to try to rest. Took again. 108. Took 20 min later. 121. In tears, had WB take me back to L&D.<br />
<br />
Bean checked out fine again, but they opted to register me and get me a room.<br />
<br />
Bean SERIOUSLY unhappy with being strapped to a bunch of monitors (ow the kicks).<br />
<br />
OB doc went through the whole series of questions again and examined me. WB asked questions about the risks of the CT scan. OB explained and I started to feel better that this might be a better choice to just do it. OB went out to find my chart from earlier in the day to compare numbers.<br />
<br />
WB looked at me, looked at what the monitors were doing and asked a very simple question: "What are you thinking right now?"<br />
<br />
I started to explain that maybe I should just do the scan, though I didn't want to, I still thought it was GI, I felt dumb for being there again... then I started to cry. And backed up - No... I was lying... I was scared. All I could think about was Erik. And how I didn't want Bean to end up in jeopardy or with no Mommy because I was being stubborn.<br />
<br />
This is the sort of things that start to go through your head when suddenly there's another little person very much dependent on you for everything.<br />
<br />
And this is why I'm culling the herd, removing the drama and going back to a thought process of "who really needs to be in my life right now and for what reasons?"<br />
<br />
The OB doc returned. She couldn't find my earlier chart (it wasn't uploaded into the main computer yet), so she couldn't compare numbers.<br />
<br />
My pulse rate was back down under 100. Another discussion on couldn't rule out 100%, but I didn't LOOK like someone who was having a lung clot issue. I opted once again to pass on the CT scan and just go home.<br />
<br />
I had 4 contractions while I was there, so she wanted to do an internal exam just to make sure everything was still good and I wasn't actually in pre-term labor. Also... ow. That was not a fun exam by any means. But it wasn't labor, everything was right where it was supposed to be. Go Bean - You're much better at handling this than your mom.<br />
<br />
Follow-up with my regular doc tomorrow could result in them wanting to rule out the clot anyway. I'm ok if that's what they opt to do. After two days of resting, (and a horrid night of nothing but heartburn) I'm even more convinced this was a GI and probably anxiety attack series of episodes and not my lungs.<br />
<br />
It's a chance to take, I realize. But I'm just taking things as they come and trying to reign in my anxieties.<br />
<br />
It's funny (or maybe not) how you don't realize the underlying thoughts which you process at times. I did not realize how much Erik's death still weighs on me; affecting everything I do or think when it comes to health things. How much I let it run my life with fear, rather than being rational about things and working through them. I guess I will never fully be able to process that. I just have to learn how to keep fear and anxiety from getting the better of me...alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-61215423081626752532012-06-11T16:24:00.001-07:002012-06-11T16:24:27.709-07:00One Year - Control & Hope<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">One year – and what a year it’s been since last I wrote
of you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">It sometimes seems my heartaches could fill oceans. And
years like this, I know my tears surely could. Yet one year, year upon year,
all I can think is that I got beyond the heartache of losing you, I can get
through all the rest.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">It hurts sometimes to think about that call that night.
The surreal feeling of it all; the numbness; the anger taken out on others (and
the never saying “I’m sorry” for that... so I’ll say it now. I’m sorry. I’m sorry
I yelled; I’m sorry I wasn’t more comforting for you. I’m sorry…). But like all
pains, it does fade. It does move into a place of memory where it doesn’t hurt
quite so much.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">One year – this year – has seen me through a lot of
tough times, a lot of anger, a lot of heartache, a lot of loss. Some I had no
control over; some my control only goes so far and then I have to realize that
it needs to be given over to others to remedy… and I have to learn to let it go
and be at peace with a lack of control. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">This year’s “theme” is two parts – Control being the
first.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;"> I control me. I
control my feelings. I control my actions. I control my words. I own them, for
better or for worse. But I cannot control those things in others. Though I can
control how I choose to deal with feelings of being wronged, I cannot control
the act in others. So, I accept that lack of control and move one for what is
best for allowing me to control myself. Even if that means walking away. I own
walking away… I control and accept that.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">Last summer, right around this time, as a matter of
fact, I was headed to my second IVF treatment. I remember thinking the timing
was not lost on me. I took it as an omen… you were watching over me and mine
and if we were going to succeed, this was the time. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">And succeed we did. I was certain you had “intervened”
on this one. And before I knew it, we’d be welcoming our little blessing into
the world. And two weeks later those feelings were replaced with another
heartache as we lost that little blessing. Three little blessings, if truth be
told. I have never really written much publically about that time – and won’t
really go into it now either – but that heartache was piled upon day after day
and week after week for a variety of reasons and I was certain the downward
spiral would never end.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">And that brings us to the second part of my theme –
Hope.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">Somehow, I found that strength within me again. I owned
my feelings and pushed through them to try again… and again… and headed down
the road that I needed to go in order to have that family I have so long
dreamed about. Maybe you were still walking by my side as you have often done
these last seven years (and well before that)… or maybe you pushed me to find
that strength within myself. But I did it. And I held onto Hope, where Hope was
rapidly looking to abandon me. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">And these last few weeks, I’ve looked at that picture
on my desk of you and thought how I wish you were here to see where that Hope
has gotten me. I still falter in the “control”… but Hope… Hope has pushed me
this far, and though I fear a great deal that things continue to go well, Hope
has brought me to believing I will welcome that little blessing before the year
is out. Though I wish Uncle Erik could be around to share this joy with us… I
know he will be in spirit there to comfort and guide and love as much as he has
been these last seven years.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">I’ve started to learn a very important thing about
“family” – real family. They aren’t afraid to speak up and speak out. They
aren’t afraid to show you their love; their support. They will cry with you and
hold you and see you through. They will ask after you, when they know times are
particularly tough, even if you don’t want to talk about it, they will still
show you they’re thinking of you – every day, day after day; One Year… year
after year after year after year…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">Even Death cannot stop the loving arms of Family around
you. I see it in the sunrise, I see it in the children around me, I see it in
the smile of my sister-and-more-than-my-sister, I see it in a simple texted
word from our Beautiful Love of the Woman. But most of all, I see it in the man
who has stuck by me the way a friend must. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">(I almost made it through this missive without tears…
almost).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">But, Erik, I still see it from you… in all these things
and people and more. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">I always knew this writing was more a reflection for me
than necessarily a “memorial” for you… but, without your Life and your Death, I
may never have grown past where I was to where I am headed. And that is why I
continue to write, year after year… to remind myself of what I’ve lost… but
also what I’ve gained these seven years past. And year upon year, I continue to
see all the signs you leave for me, letting me know you’re thinking of me…</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">Well
I know they say all good things <br />
Must come to some kinda of ending<br />
We were so damn good, I guess we never stood a chance<br />
Go on find what you’ve been missin'<br />
When that highway's tired of listenin'<br />
You’ll see I’m not that easy to forget...<br />
<br />
When a new moon shines through your window,<br />
Or you hear a sad song on the radio,<br />
And you don’t know why, but you just start to cry...<br />
Or your driving round on a sunny day<br />
And outta nowhere comes a pourin' rain,<br />
And a memory hits you right out of the blue...<br />
That's just me <br />
Thinking of you<br />
<br />
I’m not gonna try to stop you,<br />
Doesn’t mean that I don’t want too;<br />
If I know you, you’ve already made up your mind.<br />
So go on and go if you're really leavin'<br />
Put a million miles between us,<br />
But you still feel me like I’m right there at your side<br />
<br />
And when a new moon shines through your window,<br />
Or you hear a sad song on the radio,<br />
And you don’t know why, but you just start to cry...<br />
Or you're driving round on a sunny day<br />
And outta nowhere comes a pourin' rain,<br />
And a memory hits you right out of the blue...<br />
That's just me <br />
Thinking of you<br />
<br />
And I’m thinkin' about the road your on,<br />
I’m thinkin' about you comin' home,<br />
I’m wondering if you've got your radio on...<br />
<br />
And when you find your way to another town,<br />
And someone tries to lay you down<br />
And a feelin' hits you right out of the blue...<br />
It's me<br />
Thinking of you<br />
<br />
That's just me <br />
Thinking of you.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Verdana","sans-serif"; font-size: 9pt; line-height: 115%;">(- Thinking of You, Christian Kane)</span></div>alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-65804176676580717222012-05-14T10:40:00.000-07:002012-05-14T10:40:05.458-07:00Where We Are and Where We're GoingThere's something to be said for achieving something great after an incredible struggle. Sometimes, all you can think is "wow... we did it." And other times you are sort of overcome with genuine fear for that proverbial "other shoe."<br />
<br />
It's a hard way to live - especially with so many other changes going on inside and outside your body. All my grand plans for how idealistic I wanted things to be... how "natural" and "perfect" and, well... we all know, it never happens as planned.<br />
<br />
And... that's ok. It's ok because life is and always has been mutable and this should not be any different. And as tough as some days have been and as anxious as each pain, each appointment, each conversation has made me... nothing compares to where I'm going to be in another 7 months or so.<br />
<br />
For those who know my history, you know what struggles I've put up with, even beyond the infertility. The struggle of being poked and prodded and dealing with any number of physical and emotional pains. This struggle has been no different... with one exception. At the end I will have an incredible blessing to show for it. That makes it all worth it - that makes it so much easier to push through the tough days.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-34468869662098522132012-05-10T10:04:00.001-07:002012-05-10T10:04:41.483-07:00The Post I Never Saw Coming...A little over a month ago, I was getting ready for my next (and final) IVF procedures to find out what is wrong with me and try one last time to get pregnant through the Miracle of Science. It was then I realized that I was late... even for me. So, on a whim, (and given I was on a medication which is not pregnancy safe for long term use) I bought a home pregnancy test (HPT).<br />
<br />
I woke up the next morning and proceeded to use said HPT. And it instantly changed. I mean... no 2 minutes, no waiting whatsoever. Instant. I sat there staring at it, convinced the test was bad. I texted Wes... who was convinced the test was bad. So... I finished getting ready and headed down to the doctor's office, sans appointment to instruct them that they needed to do a blood test.<br />
<br />
I showed up first thing that morning, knocked on the receptionist window, and when the receptionist looked at me confused (remember... sans appointment) stated, "I need a blood test. I think I'm pregnant." They ushered me inside, drew my blood and sent me on my way.<br />
<br />
Around lunchtime my cell phone rang. The IVF coordinator stated "So... I hear you took a HPT and it was positive." "Yes," I replied, expecting the answer to come back, "It was wrong." Instead she said "Well... you're VERY pregnant. Uh... wow."<br />
<br />
It has been a whirlwind of weeks since that call. We don't have any idea why suddenly it worked for us, on our own. Drugs reset my system; stress reduced from finally coming to a decision about our future; dumb luck?<br />
<br />
Whatever it was... I can honestly say the term "miracle" fits here.<br />
<br />
For all intents and purposes, the pregnancy is proceeding healthy - fingers and toes and heartbeat and all. Symptoms make it no denying my body is preparing for this great process and busy working on growing a tiny human who Wes and I have waited six very long years for.<br />
<br />
And all the nerves and anxieties and fears that accompany being an older mother, with previous issues and a (albeit VERY early) miscarriage under her proverbial belt.<br />
<br />
But I'm happy. So unbelievably happy. We were ready to give up. To move on. To find a way to accept that it just wasn't possible. My last appointment prior to this had been full of discussion of "host uterus" and "donor eggs". We had been looking into adoption. Or letting going of a dream of family entirely.<br />
<br />
And yet here I am... inundating myself with information on pregnancy and motherhood.<br />
<br />
If you've gone through infertility... if you've faced or are facing this seemingly insurmountable problem....<br />
<br />
Remember this... it CAN happen. Sometimes with no rhyme or reason or understanding of WHY.<br />
<br />
Six years, three doctors... and no answers to that question.<br />
<br />
And yet here I am....alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-60674727875827212892012-04-18T06:12:00.001-07:002012-04-18T06:12:30.979-07:00Dine In for CharityI know I haven't posted in a while and I promise... I will soon. Very soon. Things have just been super-duper hectic the last couple weeks.<br />
<br />
In the meantime, I was at my doctor's this morning and saw a poster for an event Union City Grille was doing in Wilmington, DE.<br />
<br />
http://www.unioncitygrille.com/community.html<br />
<br />
Dine In for Charity.<br />
<br />
April 25th their charity is Resolve: National Infertility Association. If you happen to want to get out and eat (and who DOESN'T like to eat?), I would like to recommend support for this organization that night. Unfortunately their website doesn't give much detail, but I think the flyer in my docs office mentioned something like 20 or 25% of the bill will be donated to that night's charity.<br />
<br />
So... if you can... go.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-31561820968805904032012-04-04T11:55:00.001-07:002012-04-04T11:55:40.368-07:00Straight Talk or Why some words scare the crap out of us...A few years ago, I sat in an exam room at the <span class="st"><em>Helen</em> F<wbr></wbr>. <em>Graham Cancer Center</em> at Christiana Care terrified. I had an unusual reaction to Penicillin which resulted in lots of blood tests. Some of which came back with abnormal levels of red and white blood cells and platelets. It was determined at that time that I should be referred to a hemotologist / oncologist to figure out the problem.</span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span><br />
<span class="st">The doctor walked in and I had enough time to think "she's my age" when she looked at me and stated "First of all - you don't have cancer."</span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span><br />
<span class="st">I was always quite grateful to her for that simple statement. That acknowledgement that there is TYPICALLY only one reason someone is in her office and it's a tough battle to fight. It never really was determined what was causing my abnormal counts, but in subsequent tests the numbers went back to normal and it was chalked up to a very rare and unusual inflammatory reaction to the penicillin.</span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span><br />
<span class="st">Four years later and I'm fighting multiple odd symptoms once again. But, I'm going through fertility treatments, I'm under a lot of stress from a variety of things and my body is pretty much all out of whack. So when I went into my primary's office the last thing I expected to hear was "carcinoid syndrome." It was almost the exactly opposite feeling from being in that oncologists office. I sad there dumbly, not sure what to do think or what those words meant. But it sure didn't sound good. </span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span><br />
<span class="st">First of all, before I continue my story, let me put your fears to rest... by all accounts it appears I DO NOT have carcinoids. But look it up. And look it up in it's more advanced phases and you may begin to understand the new emotional roller coaster I've been traveling. </span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span><br />
<span class="st">All fertility efforts were put on hold. The last month or so has been running between doctor's offices and the hospital for tests. My fertility specialist would not proceed until we had an answer. And answers have not been forthcoming. I'm currently wearing a heart monitor, though, for all purposes, it does not appear to be my heart.</span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span><br />
<span class="st">This has been my life for 20 years. This will be my life for 20 and more. You'd think I'd be used to it by now.</span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span><br />
<span class="st">But it's hard to not be comfortable in your own body. It's hard to carry on life day-to-day in pain or frustration. It's hard to get past the problems of others when your life is consumed by this. This is what I fight against every day.</span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span><br />
<span class="st">To end on a happier note: I did see the fertility doctor on Friday. We have decided to proceed finally because the big scary diagnoses seem to be out of the way. Because of the cyclical nature of my current symptoms, we're going to proceed with "hormone" or "auto-immune." He recognizes I'm not "normal" by any stretch of the imagination and require some "outside the box" thinking to reach a conclusion. He's placed other options at my feet, which are under consideration. But I'm taking it one day at a time. Trying to find an answer, so that I can determine my path forward. Trying to reach acceptance of my own life; so pardon me if I'm sometimes seem unconcerned with the lives of others.</span><br />
<span class="st"><br /></span>alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-61422086593076710622012-03-16T16:59:00.000-07:002012-03-16T16:59:17.660-07:00Tests, Tests and more ... you got it... testsFor every test that comes back "normal" one would think I'd be happier. But I'm not. It makes me more frustrated. It makes me want to shake the doctors and say "What the hell is wrong with you that you don't know what is wrong with me???"<br />
<br />
My primary is baffled. My abdominal ultrasound (which I was sure was going to come back with "OMG... what the HELL is THAT??) was "normal." The blood work, the physical exam, my BP, my heart my lungs...<br />
<br />
If I didn't know that my body does such wacky things sometimes, I would almost be ready to believe the hype "it's all in your head." Except it's not. I could almost believe the "flutters" are anxiety or stress or "in my head." But the sudden flush, so bad my cheek hurts? SOMETHING is going on.<br />
<br />
Now that we've almost completely eliminated a lot of the "absolute worst" case scenarios, determining (at least as far as my GI is concerned) there are no strange and rare tumors growing in my major abdominal systems, we're back to square one. I guess, in a way it is a relief to not have to face a "syndrome" which was looking pretty bleak as far as "if we find it, there's little hope." Heck, we didn't even seem to find the precursor to the syndrome. Alleluia and pass the peas.<br />
<br />
But... no one seems to know WHY this is happening. OR if it's related to my infertility. I just want a damn answer so I can move on.<br />
<br />
I've now set my primary to investigating my endocrine system. Or... my adrenals at any rate. I guess we start there. Reproductive hormones appear "normal", so it's time to look at the rest of the process. I'm running out of time and I hate that feeling. It's not at all conducive to this "relaxed state" I'm aiming for.<br />
<br />
I may give this last set of blood work a go and if it doesn't show anything just chalk it up to "my body is screwing, let's move on." Which, sadly, may result in a final failure of the IVF. But I don't have time to keep going with this guessing game.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-48493041580969687472012-03-15T13:07:00.000-07:002012-03-15T13:07:40.023-07:00One step forward...And that proverbial, two steps back.<br />
<br />
I get an answer I feel pretty good about and then the "just in case" test makes me a wreck for the next two days. It's frustrating, it's terrifying... but most of all it's too often becoming "status quo" in my life. I thought I was getting ready to come out of my shell a bit; not live my "hermit life" quite so much. But, it's just not about to happen anytime soon, I fear.<br />
<br />
It's just wearying. It's even more emotionally draining some days than all the hormone therapies put together. And, that horribly "ironic" thing about it is that worst case or not... stress is ONLY going to make my symptoms worse and more frequent.<br />
<br />
Plain, white rice is once again one of the few things I can eat without an incredible amount of discomfort. Plain, white rice is one of the WORST things for me to be eating from a fertility standpoint. It's either that or just give up on the eating thing altogether right now. So, I eat what I can, suffer through the pain of it and give myself a "treat" of rice now and then to just give my body a break.<br />
<br />
More doctor's appointments and tests scheduled. I want an answer... but I do want the answer I want. And each step forward towards getting that answer, seems followed by the terrifying possibility of two steps back and an answer I don't want.<br />
<br />
It's time for my happy ending, dammit. All of them. All of my dreams, all of my hopes and all of my happiness. I'm ready Universe. It's time to send it my way.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-23633521584270231022012-03-08T07:41:00.000-08:002012-03-08T07:41:10.971-08:00'Round and 'round we go...I think my life has become a merry-go-round. Not the fun, pretty ponies, childhood memories one... but one of those strange Cthulu-esque, horror movie ones where, try as you might you cannot get off and that clown-killer is running the show.<br />
<br />
And clowns are scary. Especially killer ones.<br />
<br />
Anyway... now that I've put that disturbing image in your head for the rest of the day... after yet another tearful weekend, I've gone back on my "decision" post.<br />
<br />
Some of you reading this (are there still people even out there?) may seriously wonder at my mental state and be calling those men in white coats over to my house right now to give me one of those lovely jackets where the arms cross in front and a bouncy rubber room. "Why?" you may be asking yourself (or maybe not... I mean, who, other than me, talks to blog posts like that?) The answer is simple - I want answers.<br />
<br />
I saw a G+ post this morning about people not wanting to know "why" but wanting the answer they want. I want both. I want to know why... but secretly I want that answer to be "oh... your problem is 'X' and we can fix that easily." But the key point here is I WANT TO KNOW.<br />
<br />
WB pointed out to me last night that far too often I am a "victim" to my own body. It's true. My body has not treated me kindly in many years. Granted, I've been pretty horrid to it occasionally as well, but usually it's in rebellion for it treating me poorly. My body and I have an incredibly dysfunctional relationship. I'd divorce it if I could, but really, I'm not that desperate to get out of my relationship with it just yet... and Death is sort of permanent (well... as permanent as a believer in reincarnation can believe).<br />
<br />
So... the real point is... what is my point here?<br />
<br />
I have lined up all my little duckies and we're going to see what falls out. First things first... try to sort out the abnormal test and strange GI symptoms and make sure it's nothing extremely serious. If it is... deal with that as best we can and move along. Second thing, once that's resolved, go through with the mock cycle. Convince my RE to do the tests I've been reading about as far as certain potential immunological issues are concerned. Then, with all those answers in hand / problems resolved, move forward as best I can. If it means another IVF with a different protocol, fine. If it means finding the means for donor eggs, great. If it means putting all this aside and genuinely grieving for my lost fertility, picking up the pieces and working towards an adoption, I'll deal with that.<br />
<br />
So many people have posed the question of "have you considered..." I'll again refer you back to my earlier post on having discussions with your "infertile friend." Asking me if I have considered any number of things is like asking a man dying of thirst if he's considered water. If you know me at all, you know I like to be well-informed, especially where my health and options are concerned. Some may even say I'm OVER informed. You know why those type of questions stick in my craw (what IS a craw anyway??)? Because, though well-intentioned, it still comes across as "I must be stupid not to have thought of that." Yes... I'm overly sensitive and emotional about the topic right now. I've isolated my social media network so much that any possible mention of "baby" or "children" will likely not be seen. When you cry yourself to sleep every night over this, maybe you'll understand.<br />
<br />
I read a blog post about a month or so ago (and I may have mentioned this before, so bear with me), about all the things this woman will now miss because she has run out of options and has to come to terms with being childless. It's heartbreaking. Even all the "bad" about pregnancy and birth and children... these are still things I would gladly take as my "problems" rather than living a life without the experience.<br />
<br />
WB admitted to me that to watch me go through this month after month, cycle after cycle is very painful for him to watch. But, he also admits that he has watched me grieve, rant, get angry, be inconsolable... and then pick myself back up and tackle and face the problem head-on again... knowing full well I may suffer through the same thing, but doing it anyway with a determination unlike any he's seen. He admitted that he knows very little about the whole infertility process and relies on me to make the calls... because I don't give up, I search for my own answers and I learn everything I possibly can in order to find an answer and start our family on my terms.<br />
<br />
I am tired of being a victim to my body. I am tired of not understanding my body. I am tired of accepting "this is just the way it is." There IS a reason for this and I WILL find it. Then I will fix it or I will accept and move on.<br />
<br />
But... I WILL NOT GIVE UP.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-1857193761911515492012-03-04T05:29:00.000-08:002012-03-04T05:29:44.124-08:00A Time to Make the Hard CallsWell... so there we are then.<br />
<br />
My recent lab results are back and mostly normal. One would think "well that's good, right?" I said "mostly."<br />
<br />
The one abnormal result is enough for my primary to determine it's time to see a GI specialist.<br />
<br />
For those who know me and my history, you know how much this bothers me. What you may or may not know is the extent of it, given everything else going on.<br />
<br />
It puts our fertility treatments on hold for an undetermined amount of time. Financially, I'm to the point of "it puts our fertility treatments on hold indefinitely."<br />
<br />
I need to come to some realizations that, even if everything else in our attempts to get pregnant succeeded, my overall health and scar tissue issues likely make a "normal","healthy" and "uncomplicated" pregnancy near impossible. Or... at least, extremely painful. I was reminded of that over the last month as I battled some severe pain due to torn, pulling and unforgiving adhesions.<br />
<br />
New medical issues cropping up only makes this more certain. I'm not young anymore. And every day, month, year I put this off due to some other issue is that much less chance of it working. This latest news could put a halt on a lot of things I want out of my life - so it's best I face it head on without any other frustrations or complications.<br />
<br />
I'm creeping towards my peri-menopause, whether I want to admit it or not. I am not completely ok with it; but I don't think I'll need to be drug there kicking and screaming either. I always said I was the "Crone" in my little Trioka - (probably should post that story's link...). Maybe it's time I accept that and move graciously into the role.<br />
<br />
I have been researching other options."Childless" is not one I'm ready to accept yet, but unfortunately finances are an issue with the adoption route I've decided upon. And, I'm not entirely sure how my new medical complications may fit into our "Profile" as adoptive parents. That's another bridge to cross when we get there though. Focus on the task at hand; but keep the ultimate goal in mind as my tether of hope. It wasn't always about being pregnant (though my heart does hurt a big for missing out on those sort of "firsts"); it's about being a mom. And I already feel I have that in me without going through the process of becoming a mom through a biological child.<br />
<br />
When I feel most heartbroken, I remember something Wes said to me one sleepless night when a certain infant (well... hardly infant anymore) was in our care for the night. She was fussy and crying and missing mom and would not go back to sleep, so I curled up on the couch with her and sang softly until she was sleeping again. Wes watched me from the top of the stairs for a bit and finally said "You'll make a great mom some day."<br />
<br />
I hold onto that. Because I know I have that love to give within me and someday I will be able to share it with our child, even if we're not related to him or her genetically. I just need to plod through one task at a time until we reach that goal.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-29701006182646797522012-02-26T06:16:00.000-08:002012-02-26T06:16:52.259-08:00First round of tests for new medical snag in the road are completed.<br />
Just waiting for results and what the doctor has to say.<br />
<br />
If it's favorable, I get a medical clearance from him and return to my RE to finish the mock cycle / last IVF.<br />
<br />
If it's not... well I guess we'll burn that bridge when we get to it.<br />
<br />
I've finally brought myself around to the idea that the important thing here is that I am a mom... not necessarily that I am pregnant. Though a little part of my "dream" dies with that thought (there are things I will miss not being pregnant - some good, some bad - but still miss), I am finally to a place where I can consider other options.<br />
<br />
I contacted an adoption agency to get more information. Based on some of my criteria, I know this is going to end up a very pricey endeavor. But... in the end... it's all worth it, right?<br />
<br />
So much is hinging on these test results though right now, it's hard to think beyond them. To our last IVF chance (or at the very least some final "why me?" answers); to our steps following if this last IVF doesn't work.<br />
<br />
One day at a time, I suppose...alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-21186724156654979382012-02-22T13:12:00.000-08:002012-02-22T13:12:18.568-08:00Tick TockAnd just like that, the plan comes to a screeching halt.<br />
<br />
It is what it is. I can do nothing about it, but go along for the ride and hope that things get resolved quickly and in a favorable light.<br />
<br />
I need this news like I need another hole in my damn head. I understand the need, but it doesn't frustrate any less.<br />
<br />
Plod along, deal with each problem at a time, tackle these new issues like I have in the past and pray that it's all a needless precaution and I can quickly get back on target.<br />
<br />
It doesn't mean I don't want to just sit here and cry, though.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-70093323548014851262012-02-14T18:24:00.000-08:002012-02-14T18:29:01.866-08:00Valentines DayI feel better for having a plan. It may not be the perfect plan, but it's a plan nonetheless.<br />
<br />
We're going to move forward with the mock cycle starting end of this week. It will not be easy - a whole cycle of all the meds, culminating in a likely rather painful procedure. But, I'll have one of two answers I need to keep moving on. We're also giving one more shot to the IVF - with or without the PGD. Way I figure it is, if the insurance won't pay for it, doing it without, provided the biopsy comes back normal from the mock cycle, pretty much tells me all I need to know. Though the pain of another failure will be near unbearable - I'll have my answer and can proceed with a new plan feeling I've got all the information I can possibly get<br />
<br />
The other appt on Friday may be more difficult for me to handle. You see... if you know me at all, you know I've struggled with a lot of GI issues. I'm now having some new symptoms and pains which could potentially point to something quite serious. I'm hoping the primary's theory is wrong; that he's ruling out the "worst case scenario before we look at other things. But it's scary to face, regardless, especially when faced with so much other uncertainty. But I've tried to remind myself - we've been through a lot of bad. A lot of "near tragic"... I can get through this like I got through everything else and we'll just have to take it one step at a time.<br />
<br />
It's all I can do anymore - my life has spun out of my control far faster than I care for. But, it is what it is and I just have to learn to roll with (yet more) of the punches it throws my way and make the best with what I've got.<br />
<br />
For those who may not quite understand why I'm waspish, aloof, estranged... I'll tell you this much. I blog only about half of what actually goes on in my life on a daily basis. I have been dealing with a lot of struggle.... but some of it I'm only now starting to face head on ... and others I've tried to avoid contemplating. Before you judge or whine or complain about my behavior, know this... you don't know even half of what I am dealing with.... so either love me for who I am, with all my quirks and faults and hardships... or walk away now.<br />
<br />
I've discovered something very important lately. One - I have the most amazing partner a person could ask for. It may be difficult for him at times, but he has truly shown me what "unconditional" means; what standing up for and standing by your loved one truly is. On this romantic day of all days... though I am currently 600+ miles away.... I want to tell him each day that goes by, I love him that much more.<br />
<br />
I've also discovered the reason why I have remained friends with one very special woman all this time - we "get" each other's crazy. And love each other despite (or maybe because) of it. My sister and more than my sister - you have shown me what friendship means and how a friend deserves to be treated. Thank you.<br />
<br />
It's late (ish). I'm tired (very). And I do still have to focus on work tomorrow, despite two glasses of wine. So to bed with me; to maybe forget my troubles for another day or two and enjoy the peace I can find for myself wherever it may be.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-37030942974675316902012-02-11T11:32:00.000-08:002012-02-13T08:06:30.596-08:00*tap, tap* Is this thing on?So, how's this work?<br />
<br />
After a night of nothing but tears, I keep coming back to "but I don't know for SURE my eggs are bad."<br />
<br />
It's a guess... it means that every IVF is a shot in the dark and likely to lead to more heartbreak.<br />
<br />
But I. Don't. Know.<br />
<br />
It's that unknowing which makes me want to push on... to find an answer and hopefully get lucky along the way.<br />
<br />
We're going to progress with a mock cycle in order to get an endometrial biopsy. It won't answer the egg question, but it will at least help answer the "are we even timing this right / is there an implantation issue?"<br />
<br />
The egg issue becomes more complicated. More for financial reasons than anything else.<br />
<br />
For those of you who haven't the vaguest idea of the process of infertility treatment, let me share some numbers for you. If you don't have stupendous insurance, most insurance companies pay very little or even nothing at all for actual IVF treatment.<br />
<br />
When we started this process, the company W worked for actually HAD stupendous insurance. But when he switched jobs, that would go away entirely unless I kept up with COBRA. Considering the cost of COBRA vs the cost of fully out of pocked, we opted to keep only me on that insurance. At our expense.<br />
<br />
So let's look at a cycle ON the COBRA for all our out of pocket expenses:<br />
Monthly COBRA (regardless of whether I'm in a cycle or not it must be paid every month): $742.24<br />
Cost of prescription pre-natal vitamin - (copay) $10/month<br />
Cost of prescription folic acid - (not covered) $20/month<br />
Cost of IVF medications & supplies (copay) approx. $100/cycle<br />
Doctor's visit copays $10 x approx 5-6 visits per cycle<br />
Close to $1000 for one cycle month (not counting non-cycle month costs)<br />
There was also an administrative fee at the very beginning around $350, I think.<br />
<br />
<br />
Now... remember... I was also unemployed during a lot of this time or working as a contractor which required me to take time off for bloodwork, ultrasounds, retrieval and transfer.<br />
<br />
Cost for a cycle completely out of pocket: $20,000+<br />
<br />
We're getting a bargain, right?<br />
<br />
So now we're coming down to choices. Insurance will not pay for donor eggs (my BEST chance to conceive). Cost if my clinic has a ready donor: $22,600 (though it's POSSIBLE my insurance pays for my portion of this (around $6100, minus my copays, etc. So our portion then becomes $16000-1700). Cost if they do NOT have a donor and we need to go to an agency? Closing in on $30,000.<br />
<br />
Donor eggs are out unless we put ourselves in debt.<br />
<br />
To get the answer of "can my eggs even have a hope to survive?" we need to do what's called a PGD or embryo biopsy. Reading the jargon of medical insurance, I can't say for sure if there is or is not a circumstance in which this is covered. Let's assume not. Two cycles (mock cycle to check uterine lining and "real" cycle for transfer w/ biopsy) plus the cost of the biopsy ($1500 to my provider; $3500-4000 to an outside lab).<br />
So roughly another $7500 out of pocket.<br />
<br />
When you ask us to go out somewhere and we turn you down... it's not because we're mean or we don't like you... we can't afford it.<br />
<br />
I saw some pages with PayPal donating buttons... I thought "Hmmm... good way to defray some costs... but how does that work from a financial/tax/legal point of view?" That thought was almost immediately followed up with - "Do I really want to beg my family and friends for financial help, which we may never be able to repay and air all this laundry to more than just the 6 or 7 people who probably read my blog?"<br />
<br />
I don't know. I'm lost. Add onto this some potentially further bad news (or at the very BEST some "What the hell is wrong with me NOW" news) and I have to wonder what my great purpose is here in this world that the Almighty thinks it's worth keeping me around.<br />
<br />
In my lowest last night, I came across a blog of a woman who is now facing the possibility of a life without children. She had a list of "things I'll never get to do"... it was truly heartbreaking. I don't WANT to be there. I don't want to face that. But, as I read somewhere else, when is enough, enough? How do you get yourself past this and move forward, especially, like me, you don't feel satisfied that you have all the answers yet as to "why."<br />
<br />
Maybe I hold in my wallet the solution to all of it and that $310M will be mine tonight... a girl can dream, right?alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-10919897877265429872012-02-11T04:42:00.000-08:002012-02-11T04:42:39.521-08:00A day full of heartbreakYesterday was not a good medical day. It was an even crappier "attempt to work" day.<br />
<br />
I'm struggling... I'm faltering and I will admit that.<br />
<br />
All of the little petty annoyances from earlier in the week actually served as a reminder of how difficult this particular struggle is and, though I have found some who can genuinely sympathize, we are alone in our togetherness.<br />
<br />
And, some days, when the news seems most dire, when it's piled with other medical issues, other financial issues, other realizations that maybe just maybe you really have passed the "Mother" phase in your life and moved straight onto the "Crone".... all those petty little annoyances serve to remind you just how alone you are on the day-to-day struggle with your own emotions and your own body.<br />
<br />
I spent most of my night crying... and by the look of it, a lot of today will be spent that way too.<br />
<br />
I can't take any more bad new Universe. I know you think I'm strong enough to handle it, but I'm really not and I need a break. I can be rational and talk my way through Reason... but inside Fear is taking over and Heartbreak is making just thinking a struggle.<br />
<br />
If it's going to be over, send me the means to accept it. If it's not, send me the means to make my dream happen and take away this struggle once and for all.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-78292486708903348372012-02-11T04:35:00.000-08:002012-02-11T04:35:08.489-08:00<div class="MsoNormal">I’ve started to read a lot of blogs by women dealing with infertility. It’s heartbreaking sometimes, not just because their stories are sometimes sad and frustrating, but because I read them and all I can think is “yes… this is what I’m going through.” In a way, though, it does help sometimes. Really knowing there is someone else out there who is doing this because of an overwhelming desire which can’t always be put into words; someone who knows the pain of the shots and the procedures and the hormonal changes… and most of all the struggle of emotions through each cycle, holding onto hope only to have it lost.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">There is a whole community of women out there, connected by this invisible thread of the internet. And though the reasons may be different (or unknown entirely), we each have this common bond of wanting to be a mom so badly and finding it such a struggle.</div>alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-28287529674854461382012-02-06T12:08:00.000-08:002012-02-08T10:10:26.691-08:00All The WordsHad a bit of a cry last night. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and my thought process is... "My hair is grey. My scars are hurting. I'm closing in on 40. I'm old. My eggs are old. I'll never have a baby and that's why."<br />
<br />
It makes looking in the mirror hard some days. <br />
<br />
Days following often are filled with ways to put my situation in a positive light again.<br />
<br />
Today's search came across this: <a href="http://www.chancetohope.org/p/blog.html">http://www.chancetohope.org/p/blog.html</a>. It's basically a "here's WHAT to say."<br />
<br />
Yes. This, people. Pay attention here.<br />
<br />
If you Google what NOT to say to an infertile man or woman, you get a lot of Top "X" things. And, yeah... just a quick glance through them, I have heard a vast amount of them. And you know what? They aren't necessarily meant to be mean or hurtful (though, some people can be that way, the majority of folks aren't doing it intentionally), but they are. They may not be intentional... but oftentimes they are not thought through either.<br />
<br />
And I think that's where a lot of my bitterness has come from over the last year. <br />
<br />
This process is hard enough as it is without feeling like you're being judged, doing something wrong or just plain stupid because you didn't think of X, Y, Z to get pregnant. This falls into the same pet peeve I have over people who, when faced with someone who has depression, responds with "well just stop being sad."<br />
<br />
Infertility is a medical condition like any other medical condition. No matter how well intentioned your "advice" may be, really think before you put it out there to someone going through this. Because it's not as simple as "it will happen" or "just relax and stop stressing over it." And, to be perfectly honest, you just sound like an ass when you tell us this.alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-84821619800390745972012-02-06T06:42:00.000-08:002012-02-06T08:11:51.840-08:00Why We Are StrongThanks to a friend, I have been put in touch with a lovely woman who is starting this journey of IVF. And, reading about where she is and where she's going, I am reminded that, when faced with adversity we have two options - Be strong or give in.<br />
<br />
I will not give in. Even if I ultimately come to the conclusion that this process should end... I have to remind myself that it is not me giving up and giving in. Sometimes nature is just cruel and that's ok... that's not my fault.<br />
<br />
It has led me to repost something I posted on one of the fertility forums when someone asked how do we pull ourselves out of the depression, anger and frustration a failed cycle (or repeated failed cycles) places us.<br />
<br />
<i>After my chemical, I also started a pretty bad spiral downwards.<br />
<br />
DH and I did go to a therapist at the time and after talking to us both for a while she pointed out one very important thing to me. It seems a "no duh" now, but I do realize it's a trap I (still) fall into:</i> <i><br />
<br />
It's not my fault.</i> <i><br />
<br />
It's hard to remember this sometimes and put a lot of blame and pressure on ourselves that somehow we've done something wrong, that it's our fault we have issues getting pregnant, that we're somehow "bad" or "less" because of it.</i> <i><br />
<br />
But... it's NOT OUR FAULT.</i> <i><br />
<br />
She wanted me to remember this. To make this my mantra. She wanted me to get out and do other things I love, to exercise or meditate and get my mind to a better place and my bodies own endorphins doing their job. </i> <i><br />
<br />
This last BFN seems to be hitting me pretty hard on occasion. Probably the hormones still in my system, but I feel fairly bi-polar some days, and DH has been worried.</i> <i><br />
<br />
But I just try to tell myself that 1) I'm allowed to feel bad; I'm allowed to grieve and 2) I have not done anything to make this occur. It's not my fault.</i> <i><br />
<br />
I don't know if that will help; and from experience I know it doesn't make all the bad feelings go away. But it does keep pulling me back from that edge of darkness and makes me continue to explore our options... or even someday accept no options at all. I don't like to think about it... but it doesn't send me into hysterics anymore either.</i> <i><br />
<br />
Just my two coppers worth...</i>alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-7082517006732716332012-02-03T06:13:00.000-08:002012-02-03T06:13:10.528-08:00A Little PoliticsYeah, yeah... I know... I don't usually do this.<br />
But <a href="http://xfinity.comcast.net/articles/news-general/20120203/US.Birth.Control.Religious.Fight/?cid=hero_media" target="_blank">this article</a> has prompted me to write about it, as it actually is somewhat relevant to my situation.<br />
<br />
I do genuinely understand some upset and push-back from religious run organizations. For the same reason I understand religious run hospitals wishing to refuse to do abortions. But, I think we should likely make something clear... to my knowledge (and I fully admit I do not currently have proof to back up this statement, but will endeavor to research it and get back to you on this), there ARE certain circumstances where the Church (and we're speaking specifically of the Catholic Church) does give dispensation for reasons to be on birth control (I'm not sure if there are similar dispensations for abortion... again... need research). Now, granted, this may be a case of those crazy American bishops/priests/etc. "forgiving" things they aren't supposed to.<br />
<br />
When I was diagnosed with endometriosis, after the surgery to remove what the doctor found, the recommendation was that I go on The Pill. I was probably around 16 or 17 at the time. My doctor at the time was very religious (though not affiliated with a religious hospital) and my mother, being a good Catholic was concerned about this from a religious point of view. Was allowing me to be on birth control against the Church's "mandate" against birth control? It was decided that, to save me from continued pain and also to attempt to prevent infertility later on in life, birth control in this situation was acceptable.<br />
<br />
Let's take a step back for a moment. Take a look at your medical insurance. Look up the medical policy on "infertility" and also the policy on abortion. Go ahead... I'll wait. <br />
<br />
I'm willing to bet that if you do you'll most likely find what I did.<br />
<br />
A policy that covers nothing or next to nothing for "infertility" treatments; but that covers "elective abortion."<br />
<br />
Now, if you're not remotely religious, this post probably doesn't effect you at all. In fact, you're probably saying "so?"<br />
<br />
But, if you're religious or, even if you're not, but you've suffered through fertility issues, you may be exactly as livid as I am about this little piece of information (and, btw... if your insurance policy covers both and more, good for you and you better darn well find a way to keep hold of that policy).<br />
<br />
Birth control pills CAN and ARE used for things other than to prevent unwanted pregnancies. In fact, in some cases, they can help to ensure the ability to procreate later. Abortions, regardless of your religious belief, are sometimes necessary in life-saving situations and in situations which could help assure the ability to procreate later in life. Fertility treatments are necessary for some couples who, for one reason or another, are unable to conceive on their own.<br />
<br />
Our health care system is broken. When my insurance company is ruling my treatment, rather than my doctor, when my government is telling me what is or is not necessary or "right" for me, the system needs fixed. And, while I do respect the fact that some people feel very strongly about what goes on in my uterus, the simple fact is, that in the end, this will be between me and my God.<br />
<br />
If we're going to mandate certain things to prevent procreation (even if that is the "side effect" of a necessary procedure), let's make sure it's equally mandated for folks who WANT to have children. I'm angry that my dream may have to come down to a decision based on "I can no longer afford to continue this process."<br />
<br />
I guess this makes me Pro-Life-Choice. Or something.<br />
<br />
(Author's note: I *know* some folks probably don't agree with me. That's fine. I don't need to hear your arguments, so please refrain. I've said it before, I'll say it again... the whole situation is extremely emotionally charged for me and if you can't understand this, move along and keep your opinions to yourself. Because I'm tired of fighting; I'm tired of defending. Unless you're standing in my shoes, you can't understand...)alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-25349203901797518882012-02-01T08:48:00.001-08:002012-02-01T08:48:54.441-08:00A Little Slice of Crazy<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:DontVertAlignCellWithSp/> <w:DontBreakConstrainedForcedTables/> <w:DontVertAlignInTxbx/> <w:Word11KerningPairs/> <w:CachedColBalance/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
DefSemiHidden="true" DefQFormat="false" DefPriority="99"
LatentStyleCount="267"> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="0" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Normal"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="heading 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 7"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 8"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="9" QFormat="true" Name="heading 9"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 7"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 8"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" Name="toc 9"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="35" QFormat="true" Name="caption"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="10" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Title"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" Name="Default Paragraph Font"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="11" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtitle"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="22" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Strong"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="20" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="59" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Table Grid"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Placeholder Text"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="1" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="No Spacing"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Revision"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="34" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="List Paragraph"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="29" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Quote"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="30" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Quote"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 1"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 2"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 3"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 4"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 5"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="60" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Shading Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="61" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light List Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Light Grid Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="63" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 1 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="64" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Shading 2 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="65" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 1 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="66" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium List 2 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="67" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 1 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="68" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 2 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="69" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Medium Grid 3 Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="71" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Shading Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="72" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful List Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="73" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Colorful Grid Accent 6"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="19" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="21" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Emphasis"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="31" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Subtle Reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="32" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Intense Reference"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="33" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" QFormat="true" Name="Book Title"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="37" Name="Bibliography"/> <w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="39" QFormat="true" Name="TOC Heading"/> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style>
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin-top:0in;
mso-para-margin-right:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt;
mso-para-margin-left:0in;
line-height:115%;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;}
</style> <![endif]--> <br />
<div class="MsoNormal">There does come a time in this whole process when you have to ask yourself “is it worth it?” </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">After a year of trying through IVF, the only “success” I had lasted maybe a week. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I know some folks out there just don’t really “get” my state of mind after all of this. They may say they “understand”… but unless you’ve been where I am, you can’t possibly understand.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You can’t know how certain fears grip you out of the blue and make you question every little thing as “is that was went wrong?” </div><div class="MsoNormal">You can’t know how torn up I am over the success of others. How even the most well-intentioned “help” and “comfort” hurts more than if I was just left alone. How certain events and places and people I have started to avoid like the plague, either for fear that it will upset me or cause another failure or make me more angry than I already am.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I have deliberately started sequestering myself. Sometimes to avoid people; sometimes to avoid situations; sometimes to avoid the mere possibility of trouble or distress.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And I know that there are folks out there who are probably angry or offended or hurt… but I am not going to apologize. As a friend put it to me recently “if they can’t understand why, screw ‘em. You don’t need them.”</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s sad but it’s true. Very few people I know can possibly relate to what I face day to day. And it’s not that my life is so much more terrible than others. It’s just that it’s terrible enough for me that what I really need from my friends right now is patience, and, if not understanding, at least acceptance that I am going through a trauma like any other trauma and certain things are going to trigger fears, insecurities, anger, sadness. The last thing I need is judgment. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I am coming to a few realizations with regards to the whole situation. These are very hard for me. They make me feel “less” in so many ways. I was told recently, in response to that statement, that I was “less” if I were comparing myself to views of a 100 years ago (actually, I think he said 500, but even at 100 it’s technically inaccurate… maybe the concept of women barefoot and pregnant died out sometime in the 60’s and 70’s. So I’ll acquiesce that my views may be around 50 years outdated; but not much more than that, really). </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Realization #1 – It is HIGHLY unlikely that I will be able to conceive a child with my own genetic material. The cynic in me says “maybe that’s a good thing, given your genetics.” However, you can see how even this line of though can lead to feeling “less” or “broken.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Realization #2 – It is possible that I am not even able to carry a child. Potential implantation and inflammation issues aside, I already know my insides are pretty screwed up from my previous surgeries and the adhesions which exist. Though I am reassured repeatedly that these will not be an issue to pregnancy, I’ve often wondered if there weren’t an incredible hindrance and potential cause of continued infertility issues. A new chiropractor I saw recently inadvertently raised the question in my mind again when he stated that things are likely all attached to other things on my insides because of the adhesions. It doesn’t make it an impossible task… but it does cause a lot more issues to consider.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Realization #3 – Given the above two realizations, I may only have a few options left to me. Most of which are cost prohibitive. We won’t even get into my rant on finances being a roadblock to pregnancy. But there you have it. One of my greatest desires of my life blocked because of a lack of money. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">So, I come into 2012 with some very difficult decisions ahead of me; some of which break my heart each time I think of them; others which hold the potential for more disappointment and heartache. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I will not lie. I am asking a great deal from the people in my life lately, particularly those I have called “friend.” My mood changes from second to second and I admit it is hard to predict what could set me off. So, if I have refused you or your invitations, if I seem short in my responses (or don’t respond at all), if I seem ungrateful for your “advice”, please take into consideration that I am going through an awful lot right now. That in any given month, I’m pumped full of drugs which increase my hormone levels beyond what my body is used to, cause me horrid side effects and pain and bruising… and all too often end in disappointing news and one more step further from my dreams.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I don’t need anyone to really “understand” what I am going through. I don’t EVER want someone to have to go through this. What I do need is understanding that I am in a very delicate place right now. Certain events over the last year have made me a much more fearful person; have made me question “is THAT what cause the cycle to fail?” or “have I done something wrong?” If you can’t understand that, if you’d rather be offended by my refusals or annoyed by my anxiety and issues, well I’m not sure I need people like that around me right now anyway. Best of luck and blessings to you, but don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. I will say I recognize this is 100% me and how I feel; not that someone has been deliberately mean to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal">I am trying to minimize the amount of blame I lay at my own feet. I am trying to get my anxieties about certain things under control. But I am not going a good job of it right now and I don’t need people in my life who will add to that. I am incredibly imperfect and I need to relearn to accept that in myself. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">If anyone does have something specific they want to ask me about or need to tell me, please feel free to email me. </div>alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2429728453708338316.post-42781332746407893902012-01-24T07:56:00.000-08:002012-01-24T07:59:22.960-08:00Lack of Faith<div class="MsoNormal">Ever just have “one of those weeks?” Yeah… we all do… I just wish mine didn’t seem so incredibly frequent sometimes. Can’t the bad news just spread out a bit?<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Freya had another seizure this morning. I’m dealing better with each one, but it’s still frustrating and scary and upsetting. Add to that weird flushing in my face, possible bad news tomorrow, financial issues and looming jury duty and I really would rather just go back to bed and pretend this week isn’t happening.<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I had a discussion around “faith” this weekend with someone whom I very much admire for her unwavering faith. I used to have that. I don’t know exactly what changed or when… but I don’t anymore. And I can’t get it back. I’ve tried. Some (with faith) may say I haven’t tried hard enough… or maybe I tried “too hard” instead of just listening. And that’s fine – I respect that. But, the truth is, it was there and now it’s not and it’s a very difficult thing to re-gain when every time I try it seems the Universe kicks me where it hurts the most.<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I can say “oh if THIS happens, I’m sure I’ll find my faith again” but the reality is that I have a hard time believing it’s not all just dumb luck anymore. “Mean”, “bad” people seem to walk around this earth unscathed and living the life. Yes, yes… their “afterlife” is going to be horrid and they’ll “get theirs” in the end (if one believes in such things).<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Pregnancy (a phenomenon I have started to realize is a complete mystery that it happens at all… one almost HAS to believe is Divinely achieved) happens to teens, abusers, drug addicts and women who just don’t want them and use abortion as birth control instead… and yet me, who has wanted nothing more in my entire life than to be a mom, can’t seem to manage it, even with medical intervention making it nearly impossible to fail.<br />
<br />
And yet… it fails. Again and again and again.<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And I want to believe… I want to genuinely say “if it works this time, God, I’ll believe.” But a little nugget in my brain says even that isn’t enough and maybe it would help and maybe it wouldn’t and what have I done so horrible that I can’t have faith or family or happiness…<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Yes… it’s a “beat me up” session – I’ve had that kind of week and it’s only Tuesday.<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">From day to day my “belief” changes. Maybe I haven’t lost my faith in God. I don’t really know. I do still feel there is something bigger out there… I just don’t know that I believe He/She/It has any great influence on our day-to-day lives. That sort of makes me sad.<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">What’s more, I KNOW I don’t believe in organized religion anymore. Again, I don’t know when that happened or why… but I seriously doubt I will never return to a Church of any denomination. And maybe that is what makes me a “bad person” who “bad things” happen to. I don’t have the answers. I just know that I’m weary of it…<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">God – if you’re listening – please answer my prayer in a positive light. Please give me something to make this week better. I can’t promise it will make a huge difference in my views; but I can promise it will give me pause, which may be all I really need to get back on track.</div>alannarivahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13757343906588070781noreply@blogger.com1