The Pitter Patter

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to be a mother. More than any "career"; more than any other dream. As crazy as it might sound to some people, I'd be perfectly happy "keeping house", changing diapers, cooking meals, teaching what I know to a little me.

And, each day that I get closer to the potential reality of that, the more scared I become. I've been unemployed since November. I had hoped this would be a good time for me to do all the things I want around the house. And get myself in shape and figure out all the things I need to do to get myself ready for this "big moment" I'm anticipating in my life.

And I have accomplished so little. What's more, all I have done is come to realize there are so many obstacles to my ultimate dream (stay-at-home mom) and so many obstacles for even the start of the dream (being a mom, period).

I'm terrified of this not working... of being a "waste" of time and money and hopes. And every little "broken" piece of me which could get transferred to a little me if it does work. Terrified that I won't be a good mom, that I won't be able to provide for my baby, that I won't be there when I am needed.

I know a lot of these worries are normal. But, they're standing in the way of me being happy for the process and I don't like that.

I want this to work. I have all these ideas of how I want to raise my child. And the joy of doing so.

But I need to stop getting in my own way over it.