Wednesday, February 1, 2012

A Little Slice of Crazy


There does come a time in this whole process when you have to ask yourself “is it worth it?” 


After a year of trying through IVF, the only “success” I had lasted maybe a week. 


I know some folks out there just don’t really “get” my state of mind after all of this. They may say they “understand”… but unless you’ve been where I am, you can’t possibly understand.  You can’t know how certain fears grip you out of the blue and make you question every little thing as “is that was went wrong?”
You can’t know how torn up I am over the success of others. How even the most well-intentioned “help” and “comfort” hurts more than if I was just left alone. How certain events and places and people I have started to avoid like the plague, either for fear that it will upset me or cause another failure or make me more angry than I already am.


I have deliberately started sequestering myself. Sometimes to avoid people; sometimes to avoid situations; sometimes to avoid the mere possibility of trouble or distress.


And I know that there are folks out there who are probably angry or offended or hurt… but I am not going to apologize. As a friend put it to me recently “if they can’t understand why, screw ‘em. You don’t need them.”
It’s sad but it’s true. Very few people I know can possibly relate to what I face day to day. And it’s not that my life is so much more terrible than others. It’s just that it’s terrible enough for me that what I really need from my friends right now is patience, and, if not understanding, at least acceptance that I am going through a trauma like any other trauma and certain things are going to trigger fears, insecurities, anger, sadness. The last thing I need is judgment. 


I am coming to a few realizations with regards to the whole situation. These are very hard for me. They make me feel “less” in so many ways. I was told recently, in response to that statement, that I was “less” if I were comparing myself to views of a 100 years ago (actually, I think he said 500, but even at 100 it’s technically inaccurate… maybe the concept of women barefoot and pregnant died out sometime in the 60’s and 70’s. So I’ll acquiesce that my views may be around 50 years outdated; but not much more than that, really). 


Realization #1 – It is HIGHLY unlikely that I will be able to conceive a child with my own genetic material. The cynic in me says “maybe that’s a good thing, given your genetics.” However, you can see how even this line of though can lead to feeling “less” or “broken.”


Realization #2 – It is possible that I am not even able to carry a child. Potential implantation and inflammation issues aside, I already know my insides are pretty screwed up from my previous surgeries and the adhesions which exist. Though I am reassured repeatedly that these will not be an issue to pregnancy, I’ve often wondered if there weren’t an incredible hindrance and potential cause of continued infertility issues. A new chiropractor I saw recently inadvertently raised the question in my mind again when he stated that things are likely all attached to other things on my insides because of the adhesions. It doesn’t make it an impossible task… but it does cause a lot more issues to consider.


Realization #3 – Given the above two realizations, I may only have a few options left to me. Most of which are cost prohibitive. We won’t even get into my rant on finances being a roadblock to pregnancy. But there you have it. One of my greatest desires of my life blocked because of a lack of money. 


So, I come into 2012 with some very difficult decisions ahead of me; some of which break my heart each time I think of them; others which hold the potential for more disappointment and heartache. 


I will not lie. I am asking a great deal from the people in my life lately, particularly those I have called “friend.” My mood changes from second to second and I admit it is hard to predict what could set me off. So, if I have refused you or your invitations, if I seem short in my responses (or don’t respond at all), if I seem ungrateful for your “advice”, please take into consideration that I am going through an awful lot right now. That in any given month, I’m pumped full of drugs which increase my hormone levels beyond what my body is used to, cause me horrid side effects and pain and bruising… and all too often end in disappointing news and one more step further from my dreams.


I don’t need anyone to really “understand” what I am going through. I don’t EVER want someone to have to go through this. What I do need is understanding that I am in a very delicate place right now. Certain events over the last year have made me a much more fearful person; have made me question “is THAT what cause the cycle to fail?” or “have I done something wrong?” If you can’t understand that, if you’d rather be offended by my refusals or annoyed by my anxiety and issues, well I’m not sure I need people like that around me right now anyway. Best of luck and blessings to you, but don’t let the door hit you on the ass on the way out. I will say I recognize this is 100% me and how I feel; not that someone has been deliberately mean to me. 

I am trying to minimize the amount of blame I lay at my own feet. I am trying to get my anxieties about certain things under control. But I am not going a good job of it right now and I don’t need people in my life who will add to that. I am incredibly imperfect and I need to relearn to accept that in myself. 


If anyone does have something specific they want to ask me about or need to tell me, please feel free to email me.