Pitter Patter Part 2

Today has been spent on the phone with doctor's office, pharmacy, insurance, doctor's office...

It's real. Despite any moral/ethical contentions I may still hold; despite my fears and doubts; despite all the unknowns... I'm about to embark on one of the last attempts to get pregnant.

I have a series of prescriptions coming down the pike, including (as soon as I can get this sorted out with my insurance company and my doctor's office) a series of injectable medications. Injectable. Sent to my house. Which I have to give myself. With read needles.

How in the world am I going to manage this when I can't even watch them draw blood without passing out? How am I going to actually manage to stick a needle in myself... and not once.... but several times a week.

I feel queasy just thinking about this.

I've put off the instructional video, even though I knew it was up on their website from the beginning of this process. I can't even think about watching a video on how it's to be done without feeling a bad fluttering in my stomach.

This is something I've wanted so bad for so long... and now it's here and I can't get past a little needle.

It's a silly thing, I know, but it terrifies me. What's more is that little nagging voice which tells me if this doesn't work and we still WANT to do this... I may have to go through the whole process again.

I am honest to goodness terrified of what the next few months may hold for me (for us, really). So many big decisions still ahead. So many opportunities for failure. So many opportunities for success (and... really, I'm not always sure which terrifies me more!). It will all be worth it in the end, I know this... but right now it just overwhelms me; leaves me wondering if I'll be a good mom, if I'll ever really be "ready" for this, if we'll be able to "afford" another mouth (or two or three) in this house. I know most of these are fears all new moms face... but coupled with having to take such an active role in making it happen (beyond just "having fun" which works for most people)... it just leaves me with a lot of time to think about it all and question.