Sunday, April 3, 2011

Tripped the Hurdle

When you enter into a process such as the one I'm in, your rational brain tells you all the things you need to prepare for. Failure is imminent every step of the way, to be honest and you try to remind yourself of that in order to armour against disappointments.

However, your blasted heart always manages to override this logic and let's those little things like "hope" and "positive thoughts" run rampant.

And that's when you trip that third hurdle. The news that out of seven only four fertilized was frustrating enough. But, hey... four, that's good, the only implant a max of 3 anyway, so I'm one ahead of the game, right?(damned heart again)

We left yesterday morning for the transfer, only to have me realize when I got in the car I had a voicemail on my cell. As we pulled out, I listened to the message. My doctor and could I call him right away. Never really a good sign. But, still trying to keep positive, I called back as we drove.

The embroys weren't dividing as much as he'd like, so he was cancelling my procedure for the day. He'd call Monday morning and let me know how things stood, with a transfer possible Monday afternoon. Day 5. The last day to do a transfer.

After an initial emotional turmoil, I got my head (heart) back together and proceeded with "Day 5... a couple more days to "cook"... this isn't a bad thing."

My cell rang this morning, just before 10. Three of the four have stopped (or slowed... emotion was taking over in a bad way and my brain wasn't processing right). One has moved to the next phase and "I'll call you tomorrow morning after the lab lets me know where we stand. Be prepared to come in for a transfer anytime tomorrow."

My heart hurts. It wants to be positive and say "hey... it only takes one, right?" But part of me thinks it's time to let my brain take back over and come to the realization that, tripping that third hurdle there hurt, and I'm not sure we're gonna finish the race, let alone get over the final hurdle. The odds have started to stack against me.

What's more, a completely failed cycle holds a lot of implications for the future. Aside from the big question of "why?" there are a lot of considerations before we'd be able to decide to continue this process.

Obviously knowing why it happened is the biggest consideration. The answer to that could make any future decisions moot... if it's not going to happen, if there is a fatal flaw in the components, as it were, then the decision gets made for us.

But, say it's just "one of those things." "Sometimes these things happen; it's not unusual; there's no reason not to try again."

Well then we come to the "reasons not to try again."

The process is not cheap. Even with a kickass insurance, this process (meds, acupuncture, copay, admin fee) was out of pocket over $1k. In addition, the new insurance does not cover IVF or acupuncture... which means in order to have insurance cover it, I have to stay on COBRA, which is just under $800/month

That's money we don't necessarily have with me unemployed. So... "get a job." Great plan, except for the time invested in this. Bloodwork / doc appt. / ultrasound / acupuncture which for two weeks kept me in the doctor's office approximately 4/ 5/6 out of 7 days. Two procedures (if we get to those phases) which required a minimum 1 day off a job each... with the expectation that it could be 2 days each. Four days... out of work at a new job. A possible 10-12 days pre-retrieval of having to be in for labwork (meaning... may need to arrive to work late). Another 5 days after transfer of the same. And, in between all of this, symptoms from the meds and process which make me feel like crap and most days just wanting to sleep or curl up on a heating pad.

I don't like the odds right now. What's more... I don't like the problems facing us with future decisions if it doesn't work this cycle.

These are moments when my head tells me to just "give up." The financial, time and most of all, emotional, investments may not be worth it.

And then I go to the store... see a little one... see how Wes looks at them.... and my stupid heart breaks all over again reminding me that this is all I ever wanted... and why should I stop trying?

1 comment:

  1. HUGS.

    I love you and wish you the best of luck no matter what happens.

    ReplyDelete