Title Blank

There are no words for me to even come up with for a title. I'm not even exactly sure where this post is going to take me. I have so many topics which have floated through my head on this over the weekend, I'm not even sure where to start.

It's the post I most dreaded needing to write... the post that hope kept at bay; and yet "realism" made me certain of having to write it.

We all have moments we dread... or moments which stick out in our mind. Looking down at the cell phone Friday, only a few hours after my visit to the lab, made me certain I wasn't going to look forward to listening to the resulting voicemail.

I am still mostly numb. I alternated between that and ambivalence and gut wrenching tears on Friday. Saturday dawned and I tried to "put my head in order," with the result being going back to bed to cry silently... and lose my faith.

I've said before... I'm not a very religious person, but I am rather spiritual and I still had faith. I'm not so sure about that anymore. Because, after all I've been through in life, all the "tests" I've suffered through, "crosses" I've beared and patiences I've kept... to still end up where I was on Saturday leaves me with two conclusions - either a cruel Diety which I'm not sure I want to follow or The Eternal Watchmaker - wind it up and let it go and just see what happens. Either way, there comes a time when it's hard to keep faith and keep praying when the answer inevitably always seems to be "no." I'm sorry if this offends you - but right now I have little proof otherwise, when good people try and fail and others step all over their fellow man in order to succeed and do. In spades.

And please, if you have any real love or respect for me at all, don't comment with a lecture or "have faith" or "I'll pray for you." I cannot handle that right now even with the best of intentions.

I want to believe in the great big concept of "God is Love" but weekends like this one make it very difficult. I'm not sure if there's a certain irony to this change of heart at this particular time of the year... or if it's just very sad.

I feel my heart has more to say on the matter at hand... but again, I'm numb and I just cannot seem to find the words. I want to believe... but there's no longer anything left in me to allow it. It hurts and that hurt takes up everything else I had right now.

We have our follow-up with the doctor on Tuesday. Barring him from telling us there's something in evidence that shows it's impossible, we will try another cycle. But, between fnancial aspects and the emotional aspects, I doubt there will be any chance of a third cycle. Unless, ironically, by some miracle we discover another way to work through some of the impeding aspects, I will have to learn to reconcile myself with this failure.

I'm not sure how much I will post during the next cycle (if there is one). While it helps me in some respects to keep positive, in others it just makes disappointment that much harder to bear. I'd like to thank those people who have been kind enough to understand... who knew when it was right and appropriate to ask questions or give encouragement and who knew when silent companionship was a far better means to help me through this. I love you.