A little sparkle

Hope is a fickle thing. Faith even more so. I still hurt. I still feel that I've gotten that proverbial "short end of the stick" and that I've been given far more bad than I deserve and still managed to come through. Whether "coming through" is due to "grace of God" or merely my own temerity or tenacity (take your pick... I've got them both in spades some days), remains to be seen.

We had our consult with the doctor today. The positve side of me says the news was not as dire as it could have been. That negative side of me, however, says that the assumed issue of our infertility is pretty big... and falls squarely upon me. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling that I am, yet again, somehow "less"; somehow "at fault"; somehow... broken once again.

I am to change my diet in hopes that it will improve our chances. High protein... which isn't necessarily a bad thing; but something I just can't seem to get into the 20-25% range he'd like. I'm hovering roughly 18%... and even if I do get it up, the literature I can find on the problem says that it could take 3 months for improvement... and that's if it can be improved.

I have a month and a half. As I pointed out in an earlier post, the financial aspect of this will make further cycles beyond 2 very difficult, unless I can get a job. Or a lottery win. Which is hard when I don't play.

And even with a job, the time commitment is immense. I know others are obviously doing it... getting in for bloodwork and scans before work starts; taking personal time off. But any new job isn't going to be so forgiving with needing time off. And that makes this a daunting task indeed.

A month and a half. More protein. Finding funds. And... all of this while trying to keep those good ol' stress levels down...

Yeah. Cake Walk.

But, my title to this post seemed a little more optimistic, no? A little sparkle. It is there... it's buried deep behind self-doubt (and a heaping of self-pity); frustration and stress and depression and exhaustion. But... it is there. And if I can just hold onto that little nugget, just for a while longer, maybe that's all I need to make this dream happen still.