I have spent the last several days languishing in the confines of my house. It's been crappy outside for most of the day, I can't really spend any money right now and my motivation is, to put it simply, in the tubes.
I made the decision to start the PartyLite business for the main reason of feeling like I am contributing SOMETHING to the finances... but I'm not as hopeful or enthused as I would like to be. I guess I just don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to take on this sort of a project. I've never particularly LIKED sales... and, to be perfectly honest, the whole concept is a little intimidating and I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it's going to come to anything at all... Heck, I'm not even sure I'm going to make this first starter show requirement for the kit...... and really, if I can't pull THAT off, what in the world makes me think that I can make this even remotely possible.
I know what you're thinking... "That's not the right attitude to have" "That way of thinking will NEVER make it work." And, well... you're right. But, as the title suggests... in sort of a funk today.
I have literally spent the day staring at the computer screen, catching up on episodes of Glee from the first season. I "forgot" to eat lunch today. I'm lucky I even remembered to get out of my pj's. It's not healthy... it's not productive to that de-stress / positive thinking. But hey, we all have our failures right?
So what's this post really about then? Feeling sorry for myself? Justification for why it's ok to sit around like a lump and accomplish nothing day-in and day-out? Of course not... that sort of self-pitying hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past and certainly won't get me anywhere in the future.
I need something to spark my creative interest... to get me motivated and happy and relaxed again. But, I haven't the foggiest idea what that is. I had hoped planning for the PartyLite would do it, but I am just not feeling it. That, my dears, is a means to an end. An end being a tiny bit of release from my constant financial worry. From my guilt over not finding the right job (even though a part of me knows there are rather good reasons why I've stalled on the search right now). From my doldrums of staring at this stupid computer day after day, hoping that something will magically spur me out of this funk and make me not feel so lonely and worried and angry and irritated and....... you get the point. I'm not in a good place, and quite frankly, I hate it right now.
Depression is a tricky Mistress. It doesn't always leave you crying buckets, or wanting to slit your wrists or tossing fine china around the house. Those are the obvious and "expected" reactions. No... more often than not, it seeps in as this horrible empty, lack of inspiration sort of feeling that just doesn't let go. And, having been the routes of therapy and drugs and even the self-medicated, drinking and acting like an ass, I can honestly say that there aren't a whole lot of ways to really shake it. I get more "therapy" out of writing it out than sitting in front of a "degreed" stranger who tells me it's "ok to feel like this" and "what do I really think about how that makes me feel." Drugs.... well I'm pretty sure the emptiness fighting through a depression is almost preferred to that of being stoned or "faking" emotion because of chemicals made in a lab. And well... that last option, even I know how stupid and unproductive it is to drink yourself to "happy" or behave in a manner which makes others (and maybe yourself) be fooled into thinking everything is ok. Everything is NOT ok... and why in the world must we always pretend it is.
Like it has previously... this will pass. And, I'm ok in that knowledge. Knowing that it's just a matter of finding that peace inside me... finding that inspiration... that creative outlet or whatever to drag myself back up out of this funk and move on and past this latest grumble.
In the words of the great George Clinton:
You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm going round
Ow, we want the funk
Give up the funk
Ow, we need the funk
We gotta have that funk
La la la la la
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, owww!
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