Well, it's been a bit since I've posted about this. Honestly, I haven't been ready; I haven't been dealing; I haven't been happy about it.
My next IVF cycle technically starts tomorrow. We're on a different regimen this time and I'm anxious. The one drug they are giving me (Lupron) seems to have a history of bad hormonal reactions from a lot of what I've heard. I'm hoping that my trend of being the exception, not the norm, continues with this one in a positive light... because I'd really rather not deal with that on top of everything else going on in life.
Being unemployed is hard (obviously). But add to that about a million other little things which make me feel a tiny bit useless each time one occurs and you rapidly have a problem. Add hormonal wackiness that my body is just not used to, constant pain that I've dealt with for years, acid reflux rearing it's head again... and it's a wonder I manage to keep myself together on a day-to-day basis.
I'm tired. I'm tired of explaining. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of feeling that with some people I repeat myself over and over and I'd get more understanding from the wall. I'm tired of feeling back-stabbed, lied to or just ignored.
But I'm most tired of the apparent lack of concern because people are either too "afraid" to ask the dreaded question "How are you?" (when they know the answer is likely not positive) or who just don't care. Or, sometimes worse, who care, but who don't seem to understand the fact that, asking is fine and great and helps remind me I'm loved... but lecturing me on ways to fix my life does very little to make me feel better. I know I have blessings, I know I should exercise, I know, I know, I know...
Here I am, facing more injections, more pain, more bruising, more changes in mood and changes to my body which are not comfortable in the least. Facing more potential disappointment and tears and early morning doctor appointments and blood draws and ultrasounds and procedures and best rests... all the while trying to find a job to keep us out of financial straights - a job that won't mind all the potential interruptions of the above - and to keep a roof over our heads and our bills paid and ....
You get the point. At least I hope you get the point. Because honestly, what I need right now are friends who can help hold me up; not who manage (deliberately or not) to push me down or just turn their back.
