It's hard to deal with all the stresses and emotions that come with being me right now as it is. Lack of job, money stresses, inability to get pregnant... but just for shits and giggles, let's throw in some meds which really mess with a hormonal state I'm still getting used to, a sick dog, the holidays and ... oh yeah... throw in a "normal" bout of depression and anxiety to boot.
How I hold myself together on a day-to-day basis, I'm still sure I'll never know. It's been a sort of cry fest week in the Burr household. But I'm still here. I'm still holding on. Still toughing it out.
The phrase goes "God never gives you more than you can handle" or something to that effect. Followed with... "I just wish He didn't have so much faith in me..." It's true... I seem to be able to handle a lot. I've had folks tell me through the years they don't know how I've managed to deal with "X" ("X" of course being any number of things I've struggled with, typically involving my health). The truth is, I don't really handle it "well." I just realize it comes down to two choices - deal with it or don't. And "don't" would require me to consciously make the decision that it's not worth it anymore; to give up; to give in and to end it all. I have always sort of thought that was a cowards way out. You leave too much behind for everyone else to clean up and, well... some part of me just cannot bear to do that. No matter how hard it gets for me to deal... I can't bring myself to force others to deal because I chose not to. Maybe that's strength... or maybe that's just that peacemaker nature of mine (sometimes also known as rolling over and being a bit of a doormat) where I just can't stand to burden others with anything. I don't want to upset the apple cart, the status quo... I want everyone to like me and to be happy and to get along.
I've become enough of a realist over the years to know that's never really going to happen... but I still can't bring myself to be the ultimate cause of so much strain and stress on others. I'm not sure if that makes me a good person... or if that just makes me a different type of coward. Either way... I appear strong and "dealing" because really, in my world, that is the only option.
I've entered the 4th IVF cycle. I want to believe this will work. But I'm having a terrible time with the stresses of it this time around. If there is a God, please don't just give me the strength to deal... give me some relief of the stresses; give me some reason to hope and keep trying; give me the one thing I'd like most for the holidays this year - have a little less faith in my ability to "handle" and let me finally know what success feels like.
