I have only gone through two actual IVF cycles.
But, I also went through 6 cycles of Clomid.
And 5 YEARS trying on our own.
Every failure hurts, but not so much as the failure of giving up entirely. And that is what I need to cling to as I approach our next cycle.
There was so much which had happened during the end of that last cycle, I've had a real hard time getting a handle on it all. I have been depressed. I have been grieving. I have been hurt, time and again, it seems. And I have put a terrible burden upon myself. Every thing that has seemed to go badly lately I have placed the blame squarely on my shoulders.
It's not fair to me. It's not helping me. And it needs to stop.
I have been given "permission" to grieve, but it was pointed out to me that this doesn't mean permission to blame myself. Or permission to hold onto the past, like links in Marley's chain. I've allowed myself to grieve, but getting passed the past has been quite difficult for a variety of reasons. I'm trying... very hard... but I'm not very successful yet.
I have a great fear and anxiety approaching this next cycle. Which will do me absolutely no good. What's worse is my fears and anxieties are spreading, like wildfire to other aspects of my life.
As much as I have worried about the costs associated with going away to Pennsic for a few days, there is another side of me that keeps saying "you need to do this... you need to get away... you need the little fantasy world for just a little bit to get back on track." But, a part of me fears that even the fantasy will be ruined or (maybe worse) be so good coming back will be yet another disappointment.
See? Worries before they even happen. Worries about the past and the future instead of enjoying the "now" like the counselor suggested to me.
*deep breath*
I am a strong woman. I have been through a lot. I have finally started to sort out where real love is in my life, where passing concern and acquaintance resides and where falseness has been allowed to creep in. I need to remember the positive of those people and places and ideas and let the rest walk past me, move on in life, keep selfishness and hurt and ignorance away. I need to stand up for myself when I'm being taken for granted... but more I need to allow myself to not be so concerned about not being so concerned - I put too much burden on myself to care for the world, when I have neglected myself for far too long.
I can do this. I am ready for this. I may hurt now, but there is still hope (even if it means passing through more hurt, I accept that possibility). And as long as I hold onto hope, I can get past this hardship like I have so many other times before.
