One Year - Control & Hope

One year – and what a year it’s been since last I wrote of you.

It sometimes seems my heartaches could fill oceans. And years like this, I know my tears surely could. Yet one year, year upon year, all I can think is that I got beyond the heartache of losing you, I can get through all the rest.

It hurts sometimes to think about that call that night. The surreal feeling of it all; the numbness; the anger taken out on others (and the never saying “I’m sorry” for that... so I’ll say it now. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I yelled; I’m sorry I wasn’t more comforting for you. I’m sorry…). But like all pains, it does fade. It does move into a place of memory where it doesn’t hurt quite so much.

One year – this year – has seen me through a lot of tough times, a lot of anger, a lot of heartache, a lot of loss. Some I had no control over; some my control only goes so far and then I have to realize that it needs to be given over to others to remedy… and I have to learn to let it go and be at peace with a lack of control. 

This year’s “theme” is two parts – Control being the first.

 I control me. I control my feelings. I control my actions. I control my words. I own them, for better or for worse. But I cannot control those things in others. Though I can control how I choose to deal with feelings of being wronged, I cannot control the act in others. So, I accept that lack of control and move one for what is best for allowing me to control myself. Even if that means walking away. I own walking away… I control and accept that.

Last summer, right around this time, as a matter of fact, I was headed to my second IVF treatment. I remember thinking the timing was not lost on me. I took it as an omen… you were watching over me and mine and if we were going to succeed, this was the time. 

And succeed we did. I was certain you had “intervened” on this one. And before I knew it, we’d be welcoming our little blessing into the world. And two weeks later those feelings were replaced with another heartache as we lost that little blessing. Three little blessings, if truth be told. I have never really written much publically about that time – and won’t really go into it now either – but that heartache was piled upon day after day and week after week for a variety of reasons and I was certain the downward spiral would never end.

And that brings us to the second part of my theme – Hope.

Somehow, I found that strength within me again. I owned my feelings and pushed through them to try again… and again… and headed down the road that I needed to go in order to have that family I have so long dreamed about. Maybe you were still walking by my side as you have often done these last seven years (and well before that)… or maybe you pushed me to find that strength within myself. But I did it. And I held onto Hope, where Hope was rapidly looking to abandon me. 

And these last few weeks, I’ve looked at that picture on my desk of you and thought how I wish you were here to see where that Hope has gotten me. I still falter in the “control”… but Hope… Hope has pushed me this far, and though I fear a great deal that things continue to go well, Hope has brought me to believing I will welcome that little blessing before the year is out. Though I wish Uncle Erik could be around to share this joy with us… I know he will be in spirit there to comfort and guide and love as much as he has been these last seven years.

I’ve started to learn a very important thing about “family” – real family. They aren’t afraid to speak up and speak out. They aren’t afraid to show you their love; their support. They will cry with you and hold you and see you through. They will ask after you, when they know times are particularly tough, even if you don’t want to talk about it, they will still show you they’re thinking of you – every day, day after day; One Year… year after year after year after year…

Even Death cannot stop the loving arms of Family around you. I see it in the sunrise, I see it in the children around me, I see it in the smile of my sister-and-more-than-my-sister, I see it in a simple texted word from our Beautiful Love of the Woman. But most of all, I see it in the man who has stuck by me the way a friend must. 

(I almost made it through this missive without tears… almost).

But, Erik, I still see it from you… in all these things and people and more. 

I always knew this writing was more a reflection for me than necessarily a “memorial” for you… but, without your Life and your Death, I may never have grown past where I was to where I am headed. And that is why I continue to write, year after year… to remind myself of what I’ve lost… but also what I’ve gained these seven years past. And year upon year, I continue to see all the signs you leave for me, letting me know you’re thinking of me…

Well I know they say all good things
Must come to some kinda of ending
We were so damn good, I guess we never stood a chance
Go on find what you’ve been missin'
When that highway's tired of listenin'
You’ll see I’m not that easy to forget...

When a new moon shines through your window,
Or you hear a sad song on the radio,
And you don’t know why, but you just start to cry...
Or your driving round on a sunny day
And outta nowhere comes a pourin' rain,
And a memory hits you right out of the blue...
That's just me
Thinking of you

I’m not gonna try to stop you,
Doesn’t mean that I don’t want too;
If I know you, you’ve already made up your mind.
So go on and go if you're really leavin'
Put a million miles between us,
But you still feel me like I’m right there at your side

And when a new moon shines through your window,
Or you hear a sad song on the radio,
And you don’t know why, but you just start to cry...
Or you're driving round on a sunny day
And outta nowhere comes a pourin' rain,
And a memory hits you right out of the blue...
That's just me
Thinking of you

And I’m thinkin' about the road your on,
I’m thinkin' about you comin' home,
I’m wondering if you've got your radio on...

And when you find your way to another town,
And someone tries to lay you down
And a feelin' hits you right out of the blue...
It's me
Thinking of you

That's just me
Thinking of you.

(- Thinking of You, Christian Kane)