And I have been terrible thus far of keeping to that!
But... I have so many ideas and thoughts rolling around and so much going on, it's been a little difficult. I know... terrible excuse. I'll get back to it, I promise. But, in the meantime, we're getting close to that time of year for my annual "One Year" reflection, since the passing of a dear friend. So, as I sort out all the various topics in my brain to write on and get that annual message composed, I'll go ahead now and post the last five years on the topic.
I have a new page dedicated just to Erik. So, without further ado, I present you the last five years of "One Year."
For Erik
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
We Got The Funk
I have spent the last several days languishing in the confines of my house. It's been crappy outside for most of the day, I can't really spend any money right now and my motivation is, to put it simply, in the tubes.
I made the decision to start the PartyLite business for the main reason of feeling like I am contributing SOMETHING to the finances... but I'm not as hopeful or enthused as I would like to be. I guess I just don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to take on this sort of a project. I've never particularly LIKED sales... and, to be perfectly honest, the whole concept is a little intimidating and I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it's going to come to anything at all... Heck, I'm not even sure I'm going to make this first starter show requirement for the kit...... and really, if I can't pull THAT off, what in the world makes me think that I can make this even remotely possible.
I know what you're thinking... "That's not the right attitude to have" "That way of thinking will NEVER make it work." And, well... you're right. But, as the title suggests... in sort of a funk today.
I have literally spent the day staring at the computer screen, catching up on episodes of Glee from the first season. I "forgot" to eat lunch today. I'm lucky I even remembered to get out of my pj's. It's not healthy... it's not productive to that de-stress / positive thinking. But hey, we all have our failures right?
So what's this post really about then? Feeling sorry for myself? Justification for why it's ok to sit around like a lump and accomplish nothing day-in and day-out? Of course not... that sort of self-pitying hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past and certainly won't get me anywhere in the future.
I need something to spark my creative interest... to get me motivated and happy and relaxed again. But, I haven't the foggiest idea what that is. I had hoped planning for the PartyLite would do it, but I am just not feeling it. That, my dears, is a means to an end. An end being a tiny bit of release from my constant financial worry. From my guilt over not finding the right job (even though a part of me knows there are rather good reasons why I've stalled on the search right now). From my doldrums of staring at this stupid computer day after day, hoping that something will magically spur me out of this funk and make me not feel so lonely and worried and angry and irritated and....... you get the point. I'm not in a good place, and quite frankly, I hate it right now.
Depression is a tricky Mistress. It doesn't always leave you crying buckets, or wanting to slit your wrists or tossing fine china around the house. Those are the obvious and "expected" reactions. No... more often than not, it seeps in as this horrible empty, lack of inspiration sort of feeling that just doesn't let go. And, having been the routes of therapy and drugs and even the self-medicated, drinking and acting like an ass, I can honestly say that there aren't a whole lot of ways to really shake it. I get more "therapy" out of writing it out than sitting in front of a "degreed" stranger who tells me it's "ok to feel like this" and "what do I really think about how that makes me feel." Drugs.... well I'm pretty sure the emptiness fighting through a depression is almost preferred to that of being stoned or "faking" emotion because of chemicals made in a lab. And well... that last option, even I know how stupid and unproductive it is to drink yourself to "happy" or behave in a manner which makes others (and maybe yourself) be fooled into thinking everything is ok. Everything is NOT ok... and why in the world must we always pretend it is.
Like it has previously... this will pass. And, I'm ok in that knowledge. Knowing that it's just a matter of finding that peace inside me... finding that inspiration... that creative outlet or whatever to drag myself back up out of this funk and move on and past this latest grumble.
In the words of the great George Clinton:
You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm going round
Ow, we want the funk
Give up the funk
Ow, we need the funk
We gotta have that funk
La la la la la
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, owww!
I made the decision to start the PartyLite business for the main reason of feeling like I am contributing SOMETHING to the finances... but I'm not as hopeful or enthused as I would like to be. I guess I just don't have a lot of confidence in my ability to take on this sort of a project. I've never particularly LIKED sales... and, to be perfectly honest, the whole concept is a little intimidating and I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it's going to come to anything at all... Heck, I'm not even sure I'm going to make this first starter show requirement for the kit...... and really, if I can't pull THAT off, what in the world makes me think that I can make this even remotely possible.
I know what you're thinking... "That's not the right attitude to have" "That way of thinking will NEVER make it work." And, well... you're right. But, as the title suggests... in sort of a funk today.
I have literally spent the day staring at the computer screen, catching up on episodes of Glee from the first season. I "forgot" to eat lunch today. I'm lucky I even remembered to get out of my pj's. It's not healthy... it's not productive to that de-stress / positive thinking. But hey, we all have our failures right?
So what's this post really about then? Feeling sorry for myself? Justification for why it's ok to sit around like a lump and accomplish nothing day-in and day-out? Of course not... that sort of self-pitying hasn't gotten me anywhere in the past and certainly won't get me anywhere in the future.
I need something to spark my creative interest... to get me motivated and happy and relaxed again. But, I haven't the foggiest idea what that is. I had hoped planning for the PartyLite would do it, but I am just not feeling it. That, my dears, is a means to an end. An end being a tiny bit of release from my constant financial worry. From my guilt over not finding the right job (even though a part of me knows there are rather good reasons why I've stalled on the search right now). From my doldrums of staring at this stupid computer day after day, hoping that something will magically spur me out of this funk and make me not feel so lonely and worried and angry and irritated and....... you get the point. I'm not in a good place, and quite frankly, I hate it right now.
Depression is a tricky Mistress. It doesn't always leave you crying buckets, or wanting to slit your wrists or tossing fine china around the house. Those are the obvious and "expected" reactions. No... more often than not, it seeps in as this horrible empty, lack of inspiration sort of feeling that just doesn't let go. And, having been the routes of therapy and drugs and even the self-medicated, drinking and acting like an ass, I can honestly say that there aren't a whole lot of ways to really shake it. I get more "therapy" out of writing it out than sitting in front of a "degreed" stranger who tells me it's "ok to feel like this" and "what do I really think about how that makes me feel." Drugs.... well I'm pretty sure the emptiness fighting through a depression is almost preferred to that of being stoned or "faking" emotion because of chemicals made in a lab. And well... that last option, even I know how stupid and unproductive it is to drink yourself to "happy" or behave in a manner which makes others (and maybe yourself) be fooled into thinking everything is ok. Everything is NOT ok... and why in the world must we always pretend it is.
Like it has previously... this will pass. And, I'm ok in that knowledge. Knowing that it's just a matter of finding that peace inside me... finding that inspiration... that creative outlet or whatever to drag myself back up out of this funk and move on and past this latest grumble.
In the words of the great George Clinton:
You've got a real type of thing going down, gettin' down
There's a whole lot of rhythm going round
Ow, we want the funk
Give up the funk
Ow, we need the funk
We gotta have that funk
La la la la la
Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo, owww!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Death of the Social Butterfly
I have no idea why that particular title came to mind, but there you have it.
If anyone's been following, you know that in this post I have a variety of "invisible" diseases. The worst of this is gastric reflux... GERD... or as most people know, "heartburn." I've been through a number of surgeries and could go on ad nauseum about the anatomy of my digestive system. And... I thought it was "fixed."
But it creeps back in, at the worst times (not that there's really a GOOD time for this), and makes me feel more than frustrated... makes me feel like crawling under a rock and never coming out again.
Most people's experience with heartburn falls into a category of "indigestion" where you eat something that doesn't agree with you and it feels like your chest is actually burning. More serious sufferers, like me, can actually have heart attack-like pain, which thankfully has not recurred in me recently. However, I woke up at approximately 3:30 this morning, literally choking on stomach acid. Not really the best of wake-up calls, let me tell you. I have spent the day watching what I eat and hoping to find something which will make my stomach stop burning and my throat stop hurting.
And, from a mental / emotional standpoint, this isn't even the worst of it. I have a get-together tonight. Food, fun, friends and booze.
Being a bit of a "foodie" one can imagine social gatherings more often than not are surrounded food. Loving a good glass of wine, many such gatherings are also surrounded by alcohol of some variety.
And now maybe you'll start to see the picture of frustration I have painted my evening with, given my recent early morning wake-up calls.
I'm trying to keep on a happy face about this (positive thinking and all that jazz). I'm trying to make sure there is food available which will be less difficult on my digestive system. I try to tell myself that, not having a glass or two of wine will be fine.
But sometimes, I have a hard time talking myself into it. So best I can do is make the most of the lot I've been given and try not to get myself too down over it. Try not to kill that social butterfly and opt to hide here in the house instead. It's hard... and I know some folks who would say "don't worry" "don't hide" "we love you"... and that's all well and good, but the truth is this may be one of my most frustrating medical condition because it affects me in a very social way... and a way a lot of folk don't understand unless they've dealt with it themselves.
I blog to "get it out there" / "vent my spleen" as it were (if you'll pardon the pun). But it doesn't fix the problem... only reminds me that it's something I will always have to deal with. And maybe that it's time to start taking the more serious measures of accepting there are things I should no longer do / eat / drink in order to keep the symptoms to a mimimum. Because, I'm out of other medical options... and that's a really bad place to be.
If anyone's been following, you know that in this post I have a variety of "invisible" diseases. The worst of this is gastric reflux... GERD... or as most people know, "heartburn." I've been through a number of surgeries and could go on ad nauseum about the anatomy of my digestive system. And... I thought it was "fixed."
But it creeps back in, at the worst times (not that there's really a GOOD time for this), and makes me feel more than frustrated... makes me feel like crawling under a rock and never coming out again.
Most people's experience with heartburn falls into a category of "indigestion" where you eat something that doesn't agree with you and it feels like your chest is actually burning. More serious sufferers, like me, can actually have heart attack-like pain, which thankfully has not recurred in me recently. However, I woke up at approximately 3:30 this morning, literally choking on stomach acid. Not really the best of wake-up calls, let me tell you. I have spent the day watching what I eat and hoping to find something which will make my stomach stop burning and my throat stop hurting.
And, from a mental / emotional standpoint, this isn't even the worst of it. I have a get-together tonight. Food, fun, friends and booze.
Being a bit of a "foodie" one can imagine social gatherings more often than not are surrounded food. Loving a good glass of wine, many such gatherings are also surrounded by alcohol of some variety.
And now maybe you'll start to see the picture of frustration I have painted my evening with, given my recent early morning wake-up calls.
I'm trying to keep on a happy face about this (positive thinking and all that jazz). I'm trying to make sure there is food available which will be less difficult on my digestive system. I try to tell myself that, not having a glass or two of wine will be fine.
But sometimes, I have a hard time talking myself into it. So best I can do is make the most of the lot I've been given and try not to get myself too down over it. Try not to kill that social butterfly and opt to hide here in the house instead. It's hard... and I know some folks who would say "don't worry" "don't hide" "we love you"... and that's all well and good, but the truth is this may be one of my most frustrating medical condition because it affects me in a very social way... and a way a lot of folk don't understand unless they've dealt with it themselves.
I blog to "get it out there" / "vent my spleen" as it were (if you'll pardon the pun). But it doesn't fix the problem... only reminds me that it's something I will always have to deal with. And maybe that it's time to start taking the more serious measures of accepting there are things I should no longer do / eat / drink in order to keep the symptoms to a mimimum. Because, I'm out of other medical options... and that's a really bad place to be.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Processing.... processing...
Honestly... STILL processing, even though I've been inundated with it all day on FB posts and news blurbs.
But, I do have a few things to say. And, I'm gonna preface this with - if you don't like what I have to say here, good for you. But, rather than blast me for it, unfriend me, stop reading me, stop speaking to me... whatever, just don't fill up my blog with hate. Because, as you may have guessed, I'm tired of the hate.
I responded to someone who mentioned the "coincidence" of the announcement of OBL's death. For the record, my cynicism doesn't come from any conspiracy belief that it's not true or never happened. It comes from a belief that, I do often feel our government times things for full impact - whether it happened yesterday or a year ago or six months ago or not at all. And, it's sort of a sad statement that I do feel suspicous in that manner. That "DNA proof" and "burial at sea" automatically make me think "lie" or "half-truth."
(Note: the irony of the below quote's speaker in context to the above is not lost on me)
If the people cannot trust their government to do the job for which it exists - to protect them and to promote their common welfare - all else is lost. Barack Obama
I find myself angry at the "General Population" for reaction to this. I am even more angry at the notion that those who do NOT feel like celebrating a death, regardless of the despicable nature of the dead person's behavior, are somehow un-American and un-patriotic. Also... for more irony... many times these are the same sort of people who claim to be Christian and who decry how horrible Islam and Muslims (love generalities) are for calling for the death of those who are not like them. I am glad those who were unable to find closure from 9/11 are able now to do so with this announcement. I am glad that there is one less inciter to violence against his fellow man. But, I'm not going to dance in the streets. I'm not going to wish there had been a more violent "justice" for him. And those who do and think I'm un-American and un-patriotic not to feel the same - I offer only peace to you. Because that is no way to continue to live your life... and what's more that is far from any sort of spiritual or religious belief I do get behind - whether it's Christ's teachings to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" or the Wiccan Rede "Do as thou will; but any harm none."
Sadly, this doesn't all magically disappear because of the death of one man. And to blatantly act in a manner which is chillingly reminiscent of those in the Middle East after 9/11 only serves to continue to incite more violence.
I had hoped for so long that a great change and Enlightenment was coming for the World. But, unfortunately, mankind just keeps disappointing me; keeps showing they are far from open and ready for real change.
"...We humans have always sought to increase our personal energy in the only manner we have known, by seeking to psychologically steal it from the others--an unconscious competition that underlies all human conflict in the world."
— James Redfield
I'll still hold onto my hope for a greater understanding of each other and a greater change and move towards real peace. It's the one positive that, no matter what happens in my own life, I do still cling to. I'll continue to put out my energy towards a more positive world; a more peaceful world. If you want to think me an idealist and maybe even a little naive, so be it. But don't call me un-American or un-patriotic. Last time I checked, to be American meant to have some pretty big dreams.
But, I do have a few things to say. And, I'm gonna preface this with - if you don't like what I have to say here, good for you. But, rather than blast me for it, unfriend me, stop reading me, stop speaking to me... whatever, just don't fill up my blog with hate. Because, as you may have guessed, I'm tired of the hate.
I responded to someone who mentioned the "coincidence" of the announcement of OBL's death. For the record, my cynicism doesn't come from any conspiracy belief that it's not true or never happened. It comes from a belief that, I do often feel our government times things for full impact - whether it happened yesterday or a year ago or six months ago or not at all. And, it's sort of a sad statement that I do feel suspicous in that manner. That "DNA proof" and "burial at sea" automatically make me think "lie" or "half-truth."
(Note: the irony of the below quote's speaker in context to the above is not lost on me)
If the people cannot trust their government to do the job for which it exists - to protect them and to promote their common welfare - all else is lost. Barack Obama
I find myself angry at the "General Population" for reaction to this. I am even more angry at the notion that those who do NOT feel like celebrating a death, regardless of the despicable nature of the dead person's behavior, are somehow un-American and un-patriotic. Also... for more irony... many times these are the same sort of people who claim to be Christian and who decry how horrible Islam and Muslims (love generalities) are for calling for the death of those who are not like them. I am glad those who were unable to find closure from 9/11 are able now to do so with this announcement. I am glad that there is one less inciter to violence against his fellow man. But, I'm not going to dance in the streets. I'm not going to wish there had been a more violent "justice" for him. And those who do and think I'm un-American and un-patriotic not to feel the same - I offer only peace to you. Because that is no way to continue to live your life... and what's more that is far from any sort of spiritual or religious belief I do get behind - whether it's Christ's teachings to "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" or the Wiccan Rede "Do as thou will; but any harm none."
Sadly, this doesn't all magically disappear because of the death of one man. And to blatantly act in a manner which is chillingly reminiscent of those in the Middle East after 9/11 only serves to continue to incite more violence.
I had hoped for so long that a great change and Enlightenment was coming for the World. But, unfortunately, mankind just keeps disappointing me; keeps showing they are far from open and ready for real change.
"...We humans have always sought to increase our personal energy in the only manner we have known, by seeking to psychologically steal it from the others--an unconscious competition that underlies all human conflict in the world."
— James Redfield
I'll still hold onto my hope for a greater understanding of each other and a greater change and move towards real peace. It's the one positive that, no matter what happens in my own life, I do still cling to. I'll continue to put out my energy towards a more positive world; a more peaceful world. If you want to think me an idealist and maybe even a little naive, so be it. But don't call me un-American or un-patriotic. Last time I checked, to be American meant to have some pretty big dreams.
Friday, April 29, 2011
A State Of...
I've had a couple topics rattling around in my brain the last few days. Most notably, I happened on a link on FB which took me to *shudder* WBC's website. I HIGHLY recommend never going there, especially if you're trying to stay positive about everything. Because, honestly, there is so much hate spewed there that it made it really hard to see the world in any sort of positive light afterwards.
I may have had a crisis of my own faith lately. I may be frustrated and feel that my "lot" in life has become too much and is unfair. My faith in a God who takes an active part in our lives may be shattered... or at the very least, dwindled to feel that, for whatever reason, my life isn't getting any attention and all the answers to my prayers are "no" for some reason.
But, I do NOT believe that "God Hates..." anyone or anything.
The concept of a God of HATE is foreign to how I was raised... to what my heart wants to believe. And, if for some reason WBC would be correct in their hate-mongering ideas of God, well... I don't want anyting to do with Him anyway.
The world is pretty bad. And full of evil people. And evil deeds. Mankind is not living as Christ taught... and Christ taught LOVE. Not "love if..." or "love only"... LOVE. And I have to believe that, even if WBC were correct in the concepts of certain ways of living ones life are wrong and not condoned by God, that does not mean we HATE those people or deeds. We love them. We embrace them and pray for them. But, we do not hate them. We do not spread that hate and teach that hate.
And we certainly never say that God hates any part of His Creation.
Today is a day full of melancholy. There's a lot tumbling around in this little brain of mine and making me feel tired and sad and alone.
Stop The Hate. It's not doing the world any good...
I may have had a crisis of my own faith lately. I may be frustrated and feel that my "lot" in life has become too much and is unfair. My faith in a God who takes an active part in our lives may be shattered... or at the very least, dwindled to feel that, for whatever reason, my life isn't getting any attention and all the answers to my prayers are "no" for some reason.
But, I do NOT believe that "God Hates..." anyone or anything.
The concept of a God of HATE is foreign to how I was raised... to what my heart wants to believe. And, if for some reason WBC would be correct in their hate-mongering ideas of God, well... I don't want anyting to do with Him anyway.
The world is pretty bad. And full of evil people. And evil deeds. Mankind is not living as Christ taught... and Christ taught LOVE. Not "love if..." or "love only"... LOVE. And I have to believe that, even if WBC were correct in the concepts of certain ways of living ones life are wrong and not condoned by God, that does not mean we HATE those people or deeds. We love them. We embrace them and pray for them. But, we do not hate them. We do not spread that hate and teach that hate.
And we certainly never say that God hates any part of His Creation.
Today is a day full of melancholy. There's a lot tumbling around in this little brain of mine and making me feel tired and sad and alone.
Stop The Hate. It's not doing the world any good...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Follow the Leader!
OOH... LOOK! I have three followers! I feel special. :)
So... for my dear followers, here's a post... or sumfng.
I have, as some of you know, been half-heartedly job searching. With the unemployment, plus Wes' new job, money's been tight, but not necessarily scarce; meaning I can actually take my time and not rush into a job anytime soon.
And, as we discovered last month, this is likely a blessing in disguise as the IVF takes a CONSIDERABLE amount of time and energy during 2-4 weeks of the process. I wouldn't really be doing a good job anywhere I was at that time.
So I had some hopes yesterday - a company I had JUST applied to contacted me right away and wanted to talk about my salary requirements and what I was looking for. However, after a few emails tossed back and forth, it was realized that any offer they'd make would be at LEAST $10k less than my last job doing the same sort of thing, would involve an extensive commute and then, after a phone call with the HR rep, would also been a lot of work hours at very little financial return.
Now... if you see the above money statement, you might think that even at a 10k loss and increase in commuting costs, I'd still be ahead of the game than on unemployment. And... you might be right (always hard to tell, as taxes are harder to figure out and gas prices keep fluctuating, typically on the higher side and I need a new vehicle). But... what really got me was two things - The HR reps insistence on the "my hands are tied; we're paying for the job not for your skills set which are considerably more than we're looking for; and (my favorite) "it's a very high paced, up-and-coming company, where I often even come home exhausted."
Now... normally that last one wouldn't scare me off. I like to be SUPER busy most days at work, so the time goes by faster and I am not bored to tears.
But then I did a bit of research on the company (at Wes' direction - glassdoor.com and careerbliss.com). Current and past employees have a different take on "fast-paced" environment. It's basically a company who seems to squeeze their employees for all they're worth, with little compensation and home/work balance in return.
I am trying to have a baby. I need to have my stress levels kept as low as possible. I will need to dedicate a great chunk of my time in the next couple months (and hopefully thereafter) to doctor appointments and ultrasound and bloodwork and procedures.
I do not need this job. Not by a long shot.
Wes' answer to me was "Do what you want... but I really think you shouldn't look seriously until after this next cycle."
And he's probably right.
So, I turn my daytime endeavors to more entertaining activities. Or at least more productive around the house - cooking, baking (yes, me... baking! I KNOW!), cleaning, laundry, my garden. It's good. It gets me out from behind this computer for several hours... makes my day pass quickly... and gives me other things to focus on than sitting around feeling bad for myself.
If something falls in my lap before the next cycle... that's great. But, I'm not going to settle. I'm not going to rush this. I'm not going to let it make me feel useless or stupid or any of those negative things. I am WORTH getting paid what I want for the skills I'll bring to any company. What's more, I'm WORTH finding the job that's going to make me happy and make me be content with my work/home balance.
And that's ok. I accept that.
Look... back to some positive. ;)
So... for my dear followers, here's a post... or sumfng.
I have, as some of you know, been half-heartedly job searching. With the unemployment, plus Wes' new job, money's been tight, but not necessarily scarce; meaning I can actually take my time and not rush into a job anytime soon.
And, as we discovered last month, this is likely a blessing in disguise as the IVF takes a CONSIDERABLE amount of time and energy during 2-4 weeks of the process. I wouldn't really be doing a good job anywhere I was at that time.
So I had some hopes yesterday - a company I had JUST applied to contacted me right away and wanted to talk about my salary requirements and what I was looking for. However, after a few emails tossed back and forth, it was realized that any offer they'd make would be at LEAST $10k less than my last job doing the same sort of thing, would involve an extensive commute and then, after a phone call with the HR rep, would also been a lot of work hours at very little financial return.
Now... if you see the above money statement, you might think that even at a 10k loss and increase in commuting costs, I'd still be ahead of the game than on unemployment. And... you might be right (always hard to tell, as taxes are harder to figure out and gas prices keep fluctuating, typically on the higher side and I need a new vehicle). But... what really got me was two things - The HR reps insistence on the "my hands are tied; we're paying for the job not for your skills set which are considerably more than we're looking for; and (my favorite) "it's a very high paced, up-and-coming company, where I often even come home exhausted."
Now... normally that last one wouldn't scare me off. I like to be SUPER busy most days at work, so the time goes by faster and I am not bored to tears.
But then I did a bit of research on the company (at Wes' direction - glassdoor.com and careerbliss.com). Current and past employees have a different take on "fast-paced" environment. It's basically a company who seems to squeeze their employees for all they're worth, with little compensation and home/work balance in return.
I am trying to have a baby. I need to have my stress levels kept as low as possible. I will need to dedicate a great chunk of my time in the next couple months (and hopefully thereafter) to doctor appointments and ultrasound and bloodwork and procedures.
I do not need this job. Not by a long shot.
Wes' answer to me was "Do what you want... but I really think you shouldn't look seriously until after this next cycle."
And he's probably right.
So, I turn my daytime endeavors to more entertaining activities. Or at least more productive around the house - cooking, baking (yes, me... baking! I KNOW!), cleaning, laundry, my garden. It's good. It gets me out from behind this computer for several hours... makes my day pass quickly... and gives me other things to focus on than sitting around feeling bad for myself.
If something falls in my lap before the next cycle... that's great. But, I'm not going to settle. I'm not going to rush this. I'm not going to let it make me feel useless or stupid or any of those negative things. I am WORTH getting paid what I want for the skills I'll bring to any company. What's more, I'm WORTH finding the job that's going to make me happy and make me be content with my work/home balance.
And that's ok. I accept that.
Look... back to some positive. ;)
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
A little sparkle
Hope is a fickle thing. Faith even more so. I still hurt. I still feel that I've gotten that proverbial "short end of the stick" and that I've been given far more bad than I deserve and still managed to come through. Whether "coming through" is due to "grace of God" or merely my own temerity or tenacity (take your pick... I've got them both in spades some days), remains to be seen.
We had our consult with the doctor today. The positve side of me says the news was not as dire as it could have been. That negative side of me, however, says that the assumed issue of our infertility is pretty big... and falls squarely upon me. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling that I am, yet again, somehow "less"; somehow "at fault"; somehow... broken once again.
I am to change my diet in hopes that it will improve our chances. High protein... which isn't necessarily a bad thing; but something I just can't seem to get into the 20-25% range he'd like. I'm hovering roughly 18%... and even if I do get it up, the literature I can find on the problem says that it could take 3 months for improvement... and that's if it can be improved.
I have a month and a half. As I pointed out in an earlier post, the financial aspect of this will make further cycles beyond 2 very difficult, unless I can get a job. Or a lottery win. Which is hard when I don't play.
And even with a job, the time commitment is immense. I know others are obviously doing it... getting in for bloodwork and scans before work starts; taking personal time off. But any new job isn't going to be so forgiving with needing time off. And that makes this a daunting task indeed.
A month and a half. More protein. Finding funds. And... all of this while trying to keep those good ol' stress levels down...
Yeah. Cake Walk.
But, my title to this post seemed a little more optimistic, no? A little sparkle. It is there... it's buried deep behind self-doubt (and a heaping of self-pity); frustration and stress and depression and exhaustion. But... it is there. And if I can just hold onto that little nugget, just for a while longer, maybe that's all I need to make this dream happen still.
We had our consult with the doctor today. The positve side of me says the news was not as dire as it could have been. That negative side of me, however, says that the assumed issue of our infertility is pretty big... and falls squarely upon me. I hate that feeling. I hate feeling that I am, yet again, somehow "less"; somehow "at fault"; somehow... broken once again.
I am to change my diet in hopes that it will improve our chances. High protein... which isn't necessarily a bad thing; but something I just can't seem to get into the 20-25% range he'd like. I'm hovering roughly 18%... and even if I do get it up, the literature I can find on the problem says that it could take 3 months for improvement... and that's if it can be improved.
I have a month and a half. As I pointed out in an earlier post, the financial aspect of this will make further cycles beyond 2 very difficult, unless I can get a job. Or a lottery win. Which is hard when I don't play.
And even with a job, the time commitment is immense. I know others are obviously doing it... getting in for bloodwork and scans before work starts; taking personal time off. But any new job isn't going to be so forgiving with needing time off. And that makes this a daunting task indeed.
A month and a half. More protein. Finding funds. And... all of this while trying to keep those good ol' stress levels down...
Yeah. Cake Walk.
But, my title to this post seemed a little more optimistic, no? A little sparkle. It is there... it's buried deep behind self-doubt (and a heaping of self-pity); frustration and stress and depression and exhaustion. But... it is there. And if I can just hold onto that little nugget, just for a while longer, maybe that's all I need to make this dream happen still.
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