First round of tests for new medical snag in the road are completed.
Just waiting for results and what the doctor has to say.

If it's favorable, I get a medical clearance from him and return to my RE to finish the mock cycle / last IVF.

If it's not... well I guess we'll burn that bridge when we get to it.

I've finally brought myself around to the idea that the important thing here is that I am a mom... not necessarily that I am pregnant. Though a little part of my "dream" dies with that thought (there are things I will miss not being pregnant - some good, some bad - but still miss), I am finally to a place where I can consider other options.

I contacted an adoption agency to get more information. Based on some of my criteria, I know this is going to end up a very pricey endeavor. But... in the end... it's all worth it, right?

So much is hinging on these test results though right now, it's hard to think beyond them. To our last IVF chance (or at the very least some final "why me?" answers); to our steps following if this last IVF doesn't work.

One day at a time, I suppose...

Tick Tock

And just like that, the plan comes to a screeching halt.

It is what it is. I can do nothing about it, but go along for the ride and hope that things get resolved quickly and in a favorable light.

I need this news like I need another hole in my damn head. I understand the need, but it doesn't frustrate any less.

Plod along, deal with each problem at a time, tackle these new issues like I have in the past and pray that it's all a needless precaution and I can quickly get back on target.

It doesn't mean I don't want to just sit here and cry, though.

Valentines Day

I feel better for having a plan. It may not be the perfect plan, but it's a plan nonetheless.

We're going to move forward with the mock cycle starting end of this week. It will not be easy - a whole cycle of all the meds, culminating in a likely rather painful procedure. But, I'll have one of two answers I need to keep moving on. We're also giving one more shot to the IVF - with or without the PGD. Way I figure it is, if the insurance won't pay for it, doing it without, provided the biopsy comes back normal from the mock cycle, pretty much tells me all I need to know. Though the pain of another failure will be near unbearable - I'll have my answer and can proceed with a new plan feeling I've got all the information I can possibly get

The other appt on Friday may be more difficult for me to handle. You see... if you know me at all, you know I've struggled with a lot of GI issues. I'm now having some new symptoms and pains which could potentially point to something quite serious. I'm hoping the primary's theory is wrong; that he's ruling out the "worst case scenario before we look at other things. But it's scary to face, regardless, especially when faced with so much other uncertainty. But I've tried to remind myself - we've been through a lot of bad. A lot of "near tragic"... I can get through this like I got through everything else and we'll just have to take it one step at a time.

It's all I can do anymore - my life has spun out of my control far faster than I care for. But, it is what it is and I just have to learn to roll with (yet more) of the punches it throws my way and make the best with what I've got.

For those who may not quite understand why I'm waspish, aloof, estranged... I'll tell you this much. I blog only about half of what actually goes on in my life on a daily basis. I have been dealing with a lot of struggle.... but some of it I'm only now starting to face head on ... and others I've tried to avoid contemplating. Before you judge or whine or complain about my behavior, know this... you don't know even half of what I am dealing with.... so either love me for who I am, with all my quirks and faults and hardships... or walk away now.

I've discovered something very important lately. One - I have the most amazing partner a person could ask for. It may be difficult for him at times, but he has truly shown me what "unconditional" means; what standing up for and standing by your loved one truly is. On this romantic day of all days... though I am currently 600+ miles away.... I want to tell him each day that goes by, I love him that much more.

I've also discovered the reason why I have remained friends with one very special woman all this time - we "get" each other's crazy. And love each other despite (or maybe because) of it. My sister and more than my sister - you have shown me what friendship means and how a friend deserves to be treated. Thank you.

It's late (ish). I'm tired (very). And I do still have to focus on work tomorrow, despite two glasses of wine. So to bed with me; to maybe forget my troubles for another day or two and enjoy the peace I can find for myself wherever it may be.

*tap, tap* Is this thing on?

So, how's this work?

After a night of nothing but tears, I keep coming back to "but I don't know for SURE my eggs are bad."

It's a guess... it means that every IVF is a shot in the dark and likely to lead to more heartbreak.

But I. Don't. Know.

It's that unknowing which makes me want to push on... to find an answer and hopefully get lucky along the way.

We're going to progress with a mock cycle in order to get an endometrial biopsy. It won't answer the egg question, but it will at least help answer the "are we even timing this right / is there an implantation issue?"

The egg issue becomes more complicated. More for financial reasons than anything else.

For those of you who haven't the vaguest idea of the process of infertility treatment, let me share some numbers for you. If you don't have stupendous insurance, most insurance companies pay very little or even nothing at all for actual IVF treatment.

When we started this process, the company W worked for actually HAD stupendous insurance. But when he switched jobs, that would go away entirely unless I kept up with COBRA. Considering the cost of COBRA vs the cost of fully out of pocked, we opted to keep only me on that insurance. At our expense.

So let's look at a cycle ON the COBRA for all our out of pocket expenses:
Monthly COBRA (regardless of whether I'm in a cycle or not it must be paid every month): $742.24
Cost of prescription pre-natal vitamin - (copay) $10/month
Cost of prescription folic acid - (not covered) $20/month
Cost of IVF medications & supplies (copay) approx. $100/cycle
Doctor's visit copays $10 x approx 5-6 visits per cycle
Close to $1000 for one cycle month (not counting non-cycle month costs)
There was also an administrative fee at the very beginning around $350, I think.


Now... remember... I was also unemployed during a lot of this time or working as a contractor which required me to take time off for bloodwork, ultrasounds, retrieval and transfer.

Cost for a cycle completely out of pocket: $20,000+

We're getting a bargain, right?

So now we're coming down to choices. Insurance will not pay for donor eggs (my BEST chance to conceive). Cost if my clinic has a ready donor: $22,600 (though it's POSSIBLE my insurance pays for my portion of this (around $6100, minus my copays, etc. So our portion then becomes $16000-1700). Cost if they do NOT have a donor and we need to go to an agency? Closing in on $30,000.

Donor eggs are out unless we put ourselves in debt.

To get the answer of "can my eggs even have a hope to survive?" we need to do what's called a PGD or embryo biopsy. Reading the jargon of medical insurance, I can't say for sure if there is or is not a circumstance in which this is covered. Let's assume not. Two cycles (mock cycle to check uterine lining and "real" cycle for transfer w/ biopsy) plus the cost of the biopsy  ($1500 to my provider; $3500-4000 to an outside lab).
 So roughly another $7500 out of pocket.

When you ask us to go out somewhere and we turn you down... it's not because we're mean or we don't like you... we can't afford it.

I saw some pages with PayPal donating buttons... I thought "Hmmm... good way to defray some costs... but how does that work from a financial/tax/legal point of view?" That thought was almost immediately followed up with - "Do I really want to beg my family and friends for financial help, which we may never be able to repay and air all this laundry to more than just the 6 or 7 people who probably read my blog?"

I don't know. I'm lost. Add onto this some potentially further bad news (or at the very BEST some "What the hell is wrong with me NOW" news) and I have to wonder what my great purpose is here in this world that the Almighty thinks it's worth keeping me around.

In my lowest last night, I came across a blog of a woman who is now facing the possibility of a life without children. She had a list of "things I'll never get to do"... it was truly heartbreaking. I don't WANT to be there. I don't want to face that. But, as I read somewhere else, when is enough, enough? How do you get yourself past this and move forward, especially, like me, you don't feel satisfied that you have all the answers yet as to "why."

Maybe I hold in my wallet the solution to all of it and that $310M will be mine tonight... a girl can dream, right?

A day full of heartbreak

Yesterday was not a good medical day. It was an even crappier "attempt to work" day.

I'm struggling... I'm faltering and I will admit that.

All of the little petty annoyances from earlier in the week actually served as a reminder of how difficult this particular struggle is and, though I have found some who can genuinely sympathize, we are alone in our togetherness.

And, some days, when the news seems most dire, when it's piled with other medical issues, other financial issues, other realizations that maybe just maybe you really have passed the "Mother" phase in your life and moved straight onto the "Crone".... all those petty little annoyances serve to remind you just how alone you are on the day-to-day struggle with your own emotions and your own body.

I spent most of my night crying... and by the look of it, a lot of today will be spent that way too.

I can't take any more bad new Universe. I know you think I'm strong enough to handle it, but I'm really not and I need a break. I can be rational and talk my way through Reason... but inside Fear is taking over and Heartbreak is making just thinking a struggle.

If it's going to be over, send me the means to accept it. If it's not, send me the means to make my dream happen and take away this struggle once and for all.

I’ve started to read a lot of blogs by women dealing with infertility. It’s heartbreaking sometimes, not just because their stories are sometimes sad and frustrating, but because I read them and all I can think is “yes… this is what I’m going through.” In a way, though, it does help sometimes. Really knowing there is someone else out there who is doing this because of an overwhelming desire which can’t always be put into words; someone who knows the pain of the shots and the procedures and the hormonal changes… and most of all the struggle of emotions through each cycle, holding onto hope only to have it lost.

There is a whole community of women out there, connected by this invisible thread of the internet.  And though the reasons may be different (or unknown entirely), we each have this common bond of wanting to be a mom so badly and finding it such a struggle.

All The Words

Had a bit of a cry last night. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and my thought process is... "My hair is grey. My scars are hurting. I'm closing in on 40. I'm old. My eggs are old. I'll never have a baby and that's why."

It makes looking in the mirror hard some days.

Days following often are filled with ways to put my situation in a positive light again.

Today's search came across this: http://www.chancetohope.org/p/blog.html. It's basically a "here's WHAT to say."

Yes. This, people. Pay attention here.

If you Google what NOT to say to an infertile man or woman, you get a lot of Top "X" things. And, yeah... just a quick glance through them, I have heard a vast amount of them. And you know what? They aren't necessarily meant to be mean or hurtful (though, some people can be that way, the majority of folks aren't doing it intentionally), but they are. They may not be intentional... but oftentimes they are not thought through either.

And I think that's where a lot of my bitterness has come from over the last year.

This process is hard enough as it is without feeling like you're being judged, doing something wrong or just plain stupid because you didn't think of X, Y, Z to get pregnant. This falls into the same pet peeve I have over people who, when faced with someone who has depression, responds with "well just stop being sad."

Infertility is a medical condition like any other medical condition. No matter how well intentioned your "advice" may be, really think before you put it out there to someone going through this. Because it's not as simple as "it will happen" or "just relax and stop stressing over it." And, to be perfectly honest, you just sound like an ass when you tell us this.