One year – and what a year it’s been since last I wrote
of you.
It sometimes seems my heartaches could fill oceans. And
years like this, I know my tears surely could. Yet one year, year upon year,
all I can think is that I got beyond the heartache of losing you, I can get
through all the rest.
It hurts sometimes to think about that call that night.
The surreal feeling of it all; the numbness; the anger taken out on others (and
the never saying “I’m sorry” for that... so I’ll say it now. I’m sorry. I’m sorry
I yelled; I’m sorry I wasn’t more comforting for you. I’m sorry…). But like all
pains, it does fade. It does move into a place of memory where it doesn’t hurt
quite so much.
One year – this year – has seen me through a lot of
tough times, a lot of anger, a lot of heartache, a lot of loss. Some I had no
control over; some my control only goes so far and then I have to realize that
it needs to be given over to others to remedy… and I have to learn to let it go
and be at peace with a lack of control.
This year’s “theme” is two parts – Control being the
first.
I control me. I
control my feelings. I control my actions. I control my words. I own them, for
better or for worse. But I cannot control those things in others. Though I can
control how I choose to deal with feelings of being wronged, I cannot control
the act in others. So, I accept that lack of control and move one for what is
best for allowing me to control myself. Even if that means walking away. I own
walking away… I control and accept that.
Last summer, right around this time, as a matter of
fact, I was headed to my second IVF treatment. I remember thinking the timing
was not lost on me. I took it as an omen… you were watching over me and mine
and if we were going to succeed, this was the time.
And succeed we did. I was certain you had “intervened”
on this one. And before I knew it, we’d be welcoming our little blessing into
the world. And two weeks later those feelings were replaced with another
heartache as we lost that little blessing. Three little blessings, if truth be
told. I have never really written much publically about that time – and won’t
really go into it now either – but that heartache was piled upon day after day
and week after week for a variety of reasons and I was certain the downward
spiral would never end.
And that brings us to the second part of my theme –
Hope.
Somehow, I found that strength within me again. I owned
my feelings and pushed through them to try again… and again… and headed down
the road that I needed to go in order to have that family I have so long
dreamed about. Maybe you were still walking by my side as you have often done
these last seven years (and well before that)… or maybe you pushed me to find
that strength within myself. But I did it. And I held onto Hope, where Hope was
rapidly looking to abandon me.
And these last few weeks, I’ve looked at that picture
on my desk of you and thought how I wish you were here to see where that Hope
has gotten me. I still falter in the “control”… but Hope… Hope has pushed me
this far, and though I fear a great deal that things continue to go well, Hope
has brought me to believing I will welcome that little blessing before the year
is out. Though I wish Uncle Erik could be around to share this joy with us… I
know he will be in spirit there to comfort and guide and love as much as he has
been these last seven years.
I’ve started to learn a very important thing about
“family” – real family. They aren’t afraid to speak up and speak out. They
aren’t afraid to show you their love; their support. They will cry with you and
hold you and see you through. They will ask after you, when they know times are
particularly tough, even if you don’t want to talk about it, they will still
show you they’re thinking of you – every day, day after day; One Year… year
after year after year after year…
Even Death cannot stop the loving arms of Family around
you. I see it in the sunrise, I see it in the children around me, I see it in
the smile of my sister-and-more-than-my-sister, I see it in a simple texted
word from our Beautiful Love of the Woman. But most of all, I see it in the man
who has stuck by me the way a friend must.
(I almost made it through this missive without tears…
almost).
But, Erik, I still see it from you… in all these things
and people and more.
I always knew this writing was more a reflection for me
than necessarily a “memorial” for you… but, without your Life and your Death, I
may never have grown past where I was to where I am headed. And that is why I
continue to write, year after year… to remind myself of what I’ve lost… but
also what I’ve gained these seven years past. And year upon year, I continue to
see all the signs you leave for me, letting me know you’re thinking of me…
Well
I know they say all good things
Must come to some kinda of ending
We were so damn good, I guess we never stood a chance
Go on find what you’ve been missin'
When that highway's tired of listenin'
You’ll see I’m not that easy to forget...
When a new moon shines through your window,
Or you hear a sad song on the radio,
And you don’t know why, but you just start to cry...
Or your driving round on a sunny day
And outta nowhere comes a pourin' rain,
And a memory hits you right out of the blue...
That's just me
Thinking of you
I’m not gonna try to stop you,
Doesn’t mean that I don’t want too;
If I know you, you’ve already made up your mind.
So go on and go if you're really leavin'
Put a million miles between us,
But you still feel me like I’m right there at your side
And when a new moon shines through your window,
Or you hear a sad song on the radio,
And you don’t know why, but you just start to cry...
Or you're driving round on a sunny day
And outta nowhere comes a pourin' rain,
And a memory hits you right out of the blue...
That's just me
Thinking of you
And I’m thinkin' about the road your on,
I’m thinkin' about you comin' home,
I’m wondering if you've got your radio on...
And when you find your way to another town,
And someone tries to lay you down
And a feelin' hits you right out of the blue...
It's me
Thinking of you
That's just me
Thinking of you.
Must come to some kinda of ending
We were so damn good, I guess we never stood a chance
Go on find what you’ve been missin'
When that highway's tired of listenin'
You’ll see I’m not that easy to forget...
When a new moon shines through your window,
Or you hear a sad song on the radio,
And you don’t know why, but you just start to cry...
Or your driving round on a sunny day
And outta nowhere comes a pourin' rain,
And a memory hits you right out of the blue...
That's just me
Thinking of you
I’m not gonna try to stop you,
Doesn’t mean that I don’t want too;
If I know you, you’ve already made up your mind.
So go on and go if you're really leavin'
Put a million miles between us,
But you still feel me like I’m right there at your side
And when a new moon shines through your window,
Or you hear a sad song on the radio,
And you don’t know why, but you just start to cry...
Or you're driving round on a sunny day
And outta nowhere comes a pourin' rain,
And a memory hits you right out of the blue...
That's just me
Thinking of you
And I’m thinkin' about the road your on,
I’m thinkin' about you comin' home,
I’m wondering if you've got your radio on...
And when you find your way to another town,
And someone tries to lay you down
And a feelin' hits you right out of the blue...
It's me
Thinking of you
That's just me
Thinking of you.
(- Thinking of You, Christian Kane)
